Thursday, January 21, 2010

Jealousy, Jesus and Hand Sanitizer

It's only Thursday, and already it's been a long week. Yesterday was my first appointment with the OB. I'm happy with the practice we chose. The nurse who saw was spectacular. She needed no explanation of our relationship and seemed totally at ease working with a same-sex couple. She kept referring to us as "youse guys" - as in hey, if youse guys decide you want more kids, you should make her go next. She also decided that Elizabeth needed a job, and gave her a journal so she could write everything down at the appointments. The OB may or may not be on the team. Either way, we liked her. The exam itself was much shorter than I had expected. At my request, she tried to find a heartbeat/s with the doppler. She warned me that 9.5 weeks was a little on the early side, and I shouldn't worry if I couldn't hear anything. She was able to pick up a heartbeat sound, but not two distinct heartbeats. She told me not to worry, that it's still early. Why do doctors always tell you not to worry when they know that you absolutely will?

On Monday we did our first hospital tour. There are 3 possibilities in the area that I'll refer to as Small, Medium and Large. Monday night was our tour of Small Hospital. When we made the tour reservation, we were told to meet by the piano, and only my husband was allowed to come with me. Grrrr. As the wives and their husbands began gathering around the piano, it was clear that I was the least far along of anyone. ALL of the other women had big beautiful bellies, so I began to feel a bit out of place.

The nurse who led the tour made it seem as though the only things we need to get through pregnancy, delivery and childrearing are Jesus and hand sanitizer. Every time we passed one of the hand sanitizers on the wall, she used it and took the opportunity to remind us about germs. She didn't speak too much about the other amenities available at the hospital, c-section rates or anything like that. Just the hand sanitizer. As the tour was about to end, she told us that the most important thing it to find faith before we have children. And that she should know because she has 11 herself. Yes, she did say that it was her opinion and not the opinion of the hospital, but it still turned me off a little. I don't want to have to worry about some rogue nurse trying to convert me while I'm in labor.

I have also been dealing with a lot of jealousy and anxiety this week. It started when I had the 8 week ultrasound. I googled more pictures of 8 week ultrasounds, and all of the babies look bigger and better than mine. Then I started googling belly shots. It's amazing how big some of these women are at 10 weeks (I'm 10 weeks today). Most of them are only pregnant with one. I'm not showing at all, and I've supposedly got twins in there. It makes me worry that there is something wrong- that I've lost one or that they aren't growing properly. And it makes me jealous. I wonder if this is just the beginning of the jealousy some people feel as parents. Jealous that their cousin's baby crawled earlier. Jealous that the 4 year old down the street speaks two languages fluently and plays the violin. Jealous that their neighbor's teenager is polite. I am trying very hard to work on this jealousy, because I know it will be unhealthy for a child. But I still can' t shake the anxiety that there's something wrong. The days until my 12 week ultrasound are just going to drag by.

ETA - I don't want to come across as anti-religion.  I have very deep respect for all of the religious people in my life.  But I wasn't raised in any religion, and haven't become religious in my adult life.  I just don't want the hospital staff to judge me as an unfit parent for that.


Strawberry said...

Ok, first step...breathe. :)

Of course you're going to worry, and that's ok. You're probably going to be worrying for a while, maybe until those babes are on the outside (and it doesn't stop then!) And of course you're going to compare yourself and your babes to others, it's only natural. But you have to know that what is going on for you is normal for YOU. Whether you're showing or not, whether your kids are doing something or not doing something yet...there is such a huge range of "normal." Just take a deep breathe and have faith that everything will be ok...

On the hospital note though, that kind of lesson in faith is completely inappropriate. I hope it's safe to say that Small hospital is out, ugh! Jesus and hand sanitizer, my ass.

GIsen said...

Gayby you crack me up girl!lol

The nurse didn't specify Faith in who or what. Let's not assume it's in a deity you disagree with.

Squash the jealousy thing now. Youz guyz babies/kids will be spectacular because.....well...they're yours.

Enjoy! Enjoy!

Anonymous said...

Seriously, why aren't things just easy and rosy the minute you get a bfp? Is that too much to ask for??? Don't worry about those belly pics silly. Some of those women have already squeezed out multiple babies and they show much sooner. I asked a girl at work who is having her second if she had just had her 5 mo pop and she kind of said uncomfortably "no, just 3 months". Damn it! I should know better! I quickly recoered with "oh but this is your secind so your showing much earlier". Ugh. I know it's going to be a long wait but I have every faith that your babes are healthy and thriving in there. No doubt about it.

Oh, and the nurse and Small hospital? Ca-reeeeeep-y!

giggleblue said...

find faith? wow. that would have voted the small hospital off my list immediately. the last thing you want to have to think about is acceptance by the nursing staff when you are in labor and delivery...

everything will fall in place! i promise!

Anonymous said...

uh, yikes! unless you were at st. ____, so unacceptable! side note, my friend was dealing with last night and the csr ended the convo with "god bless." eeeeek. anyway, hopefully medium and large hospitals will knock your socks off and you'll have a choice.

woohoo week 10! geez, where has the time gone, huh?

P said...

Yeah that nurse should have just stuck to the topic at hand and not put her own personal beliefs into it. I dont think I would choose this hospital. Hang in there I am sure your belly will start growing soon enough.

Anonymous said...

Totally uncool of her to bring her own personal beliefs into it. It should have nothing to do with the hospital or the way they work. At least you know now, than when they are trying to baptise your newborns!
I wouldn't worry about the belly size. I'm relatively slim, but after a big meal I can stick my guts out to look pregnant. Actually I have to work on the belly pudge in the 5 months before we start trying. Not showing yet probably means you have stomach muscles that work.

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

Hmmm... that's bizarre. I would expect that more in, say, anywhere south of the Mason Dixon. Hope one of the other two hospitals make you feel more comfortable. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh girl! I would have asked her if faith would buy you a new car to fit your twin babes in.

Don't stress too much about your belly. A girl in my yoga class is 12-1/2 weeks with twins and JUST got the tiniest little "i ate a burrito for lunch" belly. Leading up to our 10 week u/s and even the 13 week one, I would stress myself out so much that I could barely eat or sleep. Soon enough you will have a belly and kicking babies to reassure you.

p.s. I'm sending you an email with some twinformation. xo

J and DZ said...

Oh dear. My LO was just shaken awake by my laughter (she's on my belly) over Jesus and hand sanitizer. That is the funniest thing I've read in a while! (:

I was EXACTLY like you that early on. I found I was seriously jealous of anyone more pregnant than I was!! That eventually went away but not for a long time so I know how you feel! I also googled u/s pictures and belly pictures WAY TOO OFTEN. Oh, and googled "no morning sickness 9 weeks" etc. until I had morning sickness and felt like an idiot for worrying about not having it!
Pregnancy is awesome (; lol

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about your belly popping out, I didn't have to buy bigger clothes until I was 5 months. One day you'll just wake up and your pants won't fit.
There will always be another kid who is better at something than your kid. I see it between my own 2 kids. Just remember that your kid is better at something than other kids too:)

Anonymous said...

no worries about the baby belly popping. i was so worried about not having a belly and not being able to wear maternity clothes. THen around six months--holy cow! i am sure with twins you will be there soon.

mama bea, bao in the oven said...

Dude. What IS IT with these hospitals? Seriously. Sounds to me like Small is definitely off the list. ((Shudder))

On all three of the hospital tours we went on, the pregnant ladies were all way more pregnant than I was. I personally would like to take it as a sign of yours and my superior research and planning skills, but I think it's actually because those 8 & 9-monthers are going on the tours as part of the hospitals' childbirth classes.

Amazing how google can still get you, even after ttc, huh? Like others have said, though, everyone, and everyone's bodies, are different. You'll be freaking enormous before too long, my friend.

Two Moms, Two Monkeys said...

I would totally say small hospital is out! We gave birth at a much larger hospital which was very LGTB friendly and we still had 2 nurses who were nutty. One asked if she could pray with me and tried to grab my hands, I said please don't touch me (I hated being touched while preggo) and no thanks for the praying time. She was so insistent my wife had to ask her to leave our room and then request that the head nurse assign someone else to us. The second nurse was in the NICU and she had tried to put an IV in the little guy and after the second try she couldn't do it so I asked that someone else try, to which she responded "let me just say a prayer and I know I will get it this next time" I was like "No, if that was going to work you should have prayed before the first time so you don't have to poke my son get me another nurse". I was a total bitch about it but really, it was my 3lb son we were talking about.

As for the belly size, I have a funny story about that one. I was always pretty small, even with twins I didn't look more pregnant than the singleton moms until about 28 weeks. So I was always pretty self-conscious about it and worried that I wasn't eating enough because I was always so sick. When we started our birthing classes you have to do the introductions and say how many weeks and how many babies. During a break I made my way over to the snack table and one woman made her way over to me just to comment on how small I looked for carrying twins, I was having a particularly bad day (like every other day I guess) and responded with "No your are just big for ONE" to which only her husband laughed and my wife about died. Needless to say, she quickly stuffed a muffin in my mouth and took me to go sit down. ;)