Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Scan #2

I have been bad about commenting other blogs lately.  Sorry about that.  Last night I had a major freak-out.  I have had some spotting ever since my positive beta.  (This is where I put in the obligatory apology for the possibility of TMI to follow. )  Usually it's light in color-  pale pink or brown.  It only happens when I wipe, and is about the size of a kernel of corn.  But last night it got bright, bright red, and was the size of a half dollar.  I was scared enough to call the answering service at my clinic.  They told me all I could do was relax with my feet up, so that's what I did.  

My second ultrasound was this morning.  I hardly slept at all last night, and was the second person into the clinic in the morning.  The three gestational sacks were visible immediately, and they've gotten much bigger since my first scan.  I'm happy to report that the doctor easily found a 122 bpm heartbeat in sac A.  She then moved over to sac C, which had a heartbeat of 124 bpm.  I'll admit, I teared up when I heard the whooshing of those tiny fragile hearts.  Sac B is a bit of a mystery.  The doctor wasn't able to clearly see anything in the sac, but she really wasn't sure.  She said that the position could just be making it difficult to see anything.  My next scan is on Jan 8th, when I'll be 8 weeks.  Hopefully by then they'll be able to get a clear picture of B.   Honestly, I'm okay with any outcome for B.  As it is, I'm over the moon about hearing 2 heartbeats.  If they both stick around, I'll be happier than I could ever put into words.  If I see three heartbeats at my next ultrasound, it will be scary and overwhelming but also amazing.  

What's really puzzling me is the fact that I still have no symptoms.  I am 6w5d today, and my beta came back at nearly 67,000.  How am I so completely oblivious to what's going on in my body?  There are at least 2 beating hearts in there, and I don't feel a thing!  I think the lack of symptoms are making it harder for me to believe that this is real.  I'm still not associating that p-word with myself.  I don't really want to wake up and puke, but it would make this seem a bit more real.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Holiday insanity

It's been a crazy few days.  Christmas has always been about rushing around for me.  My parents are divorced, and so are my grandparents.  That means seeing a LOT of people in a very short amount of time.  People who like to make you feel guilty for leaving their house for another house.  Throw the in-laws into the mix, and holidays are total insanity.  Sometimes I feel like I spend more time in the car than I do with the people I'm trying to visit.  If nothing else, it was a good distraction.  My second ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow.  This is the one where they'll be checking for heartbeat/s.  So far, I've had no symptoms at all.  I know the lack of symptoms didn't mean anything last time, but it still has me on edge.  

Now that I'm back home, and have internet access again, I'm off to catch up on blogs.  I hope you all got pregnant while I was away!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Longest. Week. Ever.

The 1 week wait between beta #2 and beta #3 / ultrasound #1 was far longer than any TWW.  Probably the longest week of my life.  The last beta took place on 23dpo.  I didn't have any symptoms, so my suspicion was that an ultrasound would reveal only the shadow of a gestational sack that had been reabsorbed.  I was happy to see that Dr.B, my favorite doctor, was doing the ultrasounds that morning.  He's a bit softspoken, very gentle, personable and reassuring.  If there is anyone I would want to deliver bad news, it would be him.

By the time I was stripped from the waist down, I was visibly shaking.  Elizabeth did her best to calm me before the doctor came in, but to no avail.  Dr. B saw how nervous I was, and reassured me that they were just looking for a gestational sack that day.  He inserted the dildocam and I saw nothing.  He moved it around a little more, and I thought I saw something, but then he moved away.  Back and forth he went, muttering to himself and looking at the screen with a furrowed brow.  

"How many embryos did we put back?"  he asked
"Two", I told him "that's all I had left".
"Hmmm" he said and squinted at the screen some more, "are you sure they put two back?"
"yes, two" I repeated
"Okay," he said after a moment, "because I'm seeing three".

Ladies, I nearly fell off the table.  I will admit that I dropped the f-bomb, quite audibly, in the exam room.  Both embryos took, and one had the nerve to divide.  I am so excited to finally be pregnant, but scared to death about the idea of triplets.  I know it's still early.  The scan was at 5 weeks 2 days.  I could lose any or all of them.  Anything can happen.  I've spent the past 48+ hours in a total daze.  This is the last thing I was expecting.  I had prepared myself for the possibility of twins.  But triplets?  When only 2 embryos were transferred?  The chances of that happening were less than 1%.  I'm a bit overwhelmed with emotions of all sorts right now.  On the 29th, I go in for a second ultrasound when they'll be looking for a heartbeat / heartbeats.  I'm so glad I have Christmas and a new dog to keep me distracted.  Until then, I can safely say that this is the coolest Christmas present I've ever gotten.  

Friday, December 18, 2009


I was tagged about a million years ago for this meme by bao in the oven.  I had been saving it for a time when I really needed distraction or a post topic.  So, thank you Mama Bao, having this meme to complete meant that I only spent 90% of my work day typing things like "5 weeks no symptoms" into Dr. Google.  I'd like to tag a few other bloggers who are in need of distraction or blog topics.   I'm tagging Mommies in the making,  Half a dozen of the other, and Woes of a barren lesbo.  

1. What is the color of your toothbrush?  

Green.  I always buy green toothbrushes. 

2. Name one person who made you smile today.


3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?

Unlocking the doors at work

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Packing things up for a UPS delivery.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Reeses, Twix and Crunchies

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?

Once, in college.  A friend’s girlfriend was working there and we went to support her.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?

“No, sorry” when someone asked if a phone had been turned into our lost and found.

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

Pistachio or hazelnut gelato.  I also had a really amazing blackberry rhubarb sorbet at a place called Scoop and Crumb in Brighton.  It was like I had found the sorbet I’d been searching for all my life.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Gingerbread flavored herbal tea.  It was the only non-caffeinated, artificial sweetener-free beverage available at a work party

10. Do you like your wallet?

It’s okay.  I could really use some more space for cards.  I always forget to use gift cards because I don’t have enough space to carry them all in my wallet.


11. What was the last thing you ate?

Pizza, at the work party. 

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?


13. The last sporting event you watched?

Went to a Yankees game in August.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Either doused in Franks Red Hot, or with truffle salt and parmesan cheese.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?


16. Ever go camping?

Not nearly enough.

17. Do you take vitamins daily?

T@rget brand prenatals, hidden inside a regular multivitamin container.  I have nosy friends, and I don’t want them finding prenatals in my medicine cabinet.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

I’m not religious at all.

19. Do you have a tan?

Currently, not so much.  The short days and fluorescent lights at work don’t help the situation.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Very tough question, since there are so many variations.  I love our regular Chinese restaurant, because they always give us the REAL menu.  But bad Chinese food can be spectacularly bad.  I suppose if I had to choose between bad pizza and bad Chinese food, I’d take the bad pizza because it would be the lesser of two evils.  Good pizza vs. good Chinese food?  It completely depends on the day.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

I don’t really drink soda. 

22. What did your last text message say?

I parked on Huntington St. and am about to walk over to the party.  I am so glad we don’t live there anymore.  

23. What are you doing tomorrow?

Having a holiday cocktail / hors d’oeuvres party, and having my 5 week ultrasound.  Please please please let them see something!

24. Favorite color?


25. Look to your left; what do you see?

The UPS shipment I just packed up.

26. What color is your watch?


27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”?

My spoiled brat cousin.  She’s spending the second half of her junior year abroad in Australia, because she thinks of it as a free vacation.  She’s already behind on credits at school because she doesn’t put any effort in.  She likes the image of being a vacant sorority girl.  Going to Australia will put her even further behind academically, but she doesn’t care because Mommy and Daddy are paying for her to go to college.

28. Would you strip for money?

Usually I pay a $15 co-pay for the privilege of stripping from the waist down.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

I only go into fast food places if I need to pee on a road trip.

30. What is your favorite number?

35.  I decided a while back that when I hit 35, my life would be going in the direction I want it to.  We’ll see.

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?

Elizabeth called and asked if I needed anything from the grocery store

32. Any plans today?

Make red velvet cupcakes and 3 kinds of truffles for our party tomorrow.  Start prepping d’oeuvres, walk the dogs.

33. In how many states have you lived?

3.  I lived in Connecticut and Massachusetts before I lived here.

34. Biggest annoyance right now?

The cold weather.

35. Last song listened to?

Dunno.  Some Christmas song at a work party.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Not without some serious concentration.  I’m screwed if I ever get pulled over and they suspect I’m drunk.

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?


38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Black flats.

39. Are you jealous of anyone?

The uber-fertile, homeowners, people who have the means to travel whenever they want.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?

I used to think not, but then I found out that a lot of our friends are jealous that Elizabeth and I are in a stable relationship and have our shit together more than they do.  And for these people, owning a vacuum constitutes having your shit together.

41. Do you love anyone?

Of course.  It makes me so sad to think that someone might answer no.

42. Do any of your friends have children?

Just one.  My friend Angela has 9 and 12 year old boys.  I absolutely adore those kids.  The 12 year old has a picture of our dog on his f@cebook page.  How cute is that?

43. What do you usually do during the day?

Work, procrastinate, walk the dog, cook, read, snuggle.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

My mom always told me that hate is a very strong word.  Some people annoy the crap out of me though.

45. Do you use the word hello daily?

I’m more of a “hey” kind of girl.

46. What color is your car?

I think it’s called desert sand.  It’s that not-quite-gold color so popular with cars made in the mid 90’s

47. What size wedding ring do you wear?

Never had a wedding, don’t have a ring.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

People I still need to buy Christmas presents for.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

Not since it was called Riverside.

50. How did you get your worst scar?

My only scar is a really little one on my knee, from trying to shave my legs when I was too young to know how to do it properly.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The new dog

I can't even begin to tell you how much last week's positive beta caught me by surprise. With all of the spotting, and the total lack of symptoms, I was so sure that my period was starting. I was so sure that this cycle was a flop that Elizabeth and I started searching petfinder for another dog. A consolation prize to take my mind off a second failed IVF. We were actually in the car bringing the new dog home when I got the call that my beta had risen.

So far, everything is going very smoothly with doggy number 2. She's a 2 year old, supposedly boxer lab mix who was found as a stray. She was brought to a kill shelter while pregnant with 11 puppies.  The puppies were adopted, and she was sent to a foster network. So far, she's gotten along incredibly well with our 6 year old boxer/jack russell mix. She's a cuddler, and takes treats very gently. I'm wondering why we didn't do this sooner.

(Tillie's petfinder photo- how could we say no to that face?)

Tillie has been an excellent distraction, which I very much need this week. I had my first blood draw on Thursday, 12/10. The next one was on Saturday, 12/12. My third won't be until Saturday, 12/19. I will also have a 5 week ultrasound that day.  I am starting to freak out. Waiting a whole week between beta #2 and beta #3 seems like a long time. Did anyone else have to wait this long? I might not be as nervous if I actually felt pregnant, but right now I just don't. I have no symptoms whatsoever. That, combined with the spotting and my past performance at trying to make a baby has me a little pessimistic about what will happen at my ultrasound on Saturday. Bad news in the privacy of your own home is one thing. Bad news when you're up on a table stripped from the waist down while a doctor is poking you with a dildocam is another. Either way, come Saturday I'll know if Tillie is a distraction dog, or a consolation dog.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I didn't wait for her to sing

I had to go for my pregnancy test on Thursday. There are few things more frustrating than going for a blood draw when you already know it's going to be negative. I almost canceled but I knew that the information they got could be valuable for the next round. While I was waiting for the draw, the phlebotomist was talking about the show "I d1dn't kn0w I was pregnant". She said that if she ever walked into a doctor's office in pain, and the doctor said "surprise, you're pregnant" she would shoot herself. The two other women waiting to have blood drawn and I tried unconvincingly to laugh.

After the blood draw I went into work for a little while, and then had to go to a brunch that the head of my department was having for all of the team leaders. One of the men brought his 2 1/2 year old son. I did my best to act disinterested. Pretending I'm just not into kids has always been one of my best defenses. After the party, I stopped at home to let the dog out. There's nothing like a dog to cheer you up when your feeling down. By this time, the spotting had become bright red, so I really needed some puppy therapy. I took much longer than I should have getting back to work, but my immediate supervisor is very laid back about that sort of thing.

When I got into the office, there was a voicemail from Elizabeth. She sounded like she had been crying. "Check your yahoo account" was all she said. I checked it, and there was an e-mail from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line YAY!!!

My beta came back at 148 for day 14.

I can not even begin to tell you how much I was not expecting this. Enough that I called her back and told her that there must be some mistake- that the phlebotomist probably mixed the vials up. I argued that I was spotting, and that I had no symptoms whatsoever. She practically had to hit me over the head to get me to reluctantly accept her congratulations.

These last few days have really put me on edge. I kept waiting to start bleeding full flow. My heart was in my throat every time I went to the bathroom. By the end of the day on Thursday, the spotting had tapered off. The spotting could have died because my nurse put me on estrace. I'm still not sure if the estrace is just delaying the inevitable arrival of AF.

My second beta happened today. Elizabeth and I talked a lot about the possible outcomes of this beta. The total lack of symptoms combined with the fact that I was still spotting a bit had me convinced that todays test would show a drop in beta levels. We decided that one positive beta was the furthest we'd ever made it, and that alone was a victory. It was a sign that maybe there was still hope for me having a baby after all. Just before lunchtime, a different nurse called back with the beta results. There was no emotion in her voice. I tried to remember my promise to myself, to be happy that I had gotten just one positive beta. But the emotionless nurse said that my day 16 beta was 324.

So I suppose my previous post was a bit premature. It's not over till the fat lady sings. But I was so dead sure that I was going to get another negative. After 11 negatives, I was expecting to feel something dramatically different on a positive cycle. I don't want to get too excited too quickly. I know that two positive betas does not equal a baby. I know how quickly this can all slip away. I know that there are many of you who are still struggling and will read this and feel that punch in the gut. You'll wonder why the fuck it was me and not you. I've been there so many times. Half of me feels like this is not really happening and I'll have an early miscarriage at any moment. The other half feels unworthy and guilty that there are still so many people out there struggling- so many people that deserve this more than I do. I suppose all I can do at this point is take each day that AF stays away as a victory, and cheer the rest of you on until it's your turn.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

One Dozen

I heard she was in town.  I knew she'd stop by sooner or later.  That no-good bitch Aunt Flo.  She'll be here any day now.  Like anyone who has been trying too damn long to have a baby, I have a habit of looking at every piece of toilet paper I use.  Only someone this practiced at BFNs would have noticed the faint pink tinge on the paper.  I wish I could post some good news for once- nobody likes a downer.  It's hard not to be depressed after 2 failed IVF cycles, and 12 total BFNs.  I am crushed.  

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

IVF round 2- now with 50% more pineapple!

I had my transfer today.  Once again I was pushed to day 6.  And once again, there were only 2 embryos to transfer, and nothing to freeze.  It makes me very concerned about my egg quality.  Out of 26 eggs retrieved, only 2 were good enough to make the cut.  I'm trying my best to stay optimistic.  The embryos from this cycle look much bigger than the embryos from last cycle.  The doctor who did the transfer said they looked good.  He wasn't able to give me anything more detailed than that.  I have to wait until after my pregnancy test to make an appointment with my doctor for a full embryology report.

Overall, the transfer went very quickly and smoothly.  The embryologist was able to get them into the catheter on the first try.  At my last transfer, she was chasing them around the petri dish.  It looked like she was crushing them.  It was an incredibly nerve wracking thing to watch, especially when you're flat on your back with your legs in stirrups and a speculum poking out of you.  My bladder was full enough so the doctor was easily able to locate the best point for transfer.  It's so cool to see the tiny white flash on the screen when the embryos are shot out of the catheter.  The only awkward moment came when I was being wheeled out of the procedure room.  The nurse who brought me back to my bed asked me if I was flying solo that day.  I looked confused, so she rephrased - your husband couldn't make it today.  I couldn't think of a witty comeback, and just said "SHE is standing right behind you" and pointed towards Elizabeth.  It never ceases to amaze me that so many people at the clinic assume I'm straight.  Elizabeth thinks that people are just thrown off by my long hair.

The rest of my day consisted of resting on the couch watching Wife Sw@p, eating my weight in pineapple.  Fun times.  I still haven't decided if I'm going to call out sick tomorrow and take another day of bed rest.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Why I missed the Macy's parade

Thanks to everyone who gave suggestions for excuses for being late to Thanksgiving dinner.  I ended up faking a migraine  (I had a migraine once in college and now my mother thinks it's a regular problem for me) and added a car accident blocking traffic for good measure. 

The nurses at my retrieval were incredibly sweet.  One made small talk as she got me prepped for surgery.  She was the first person at the clinic to ask me if my family had any idea where I was at the moment.  I told her no, and explained our plan of faking a migraine as a way to explain our lateness.  It would also get me out of drinking.  She thought it was brilliant.  

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that the doctor known for being quick was preforming the retrievals.  I'm also thankful that I'm pretty quick to come around from the anesthesia.  As soon as I was aware of my surroundings, I made every effort to prove that I was alert and ready to go.  I sat up straight in the recovery bed rather than lying down and relaxing.  I tried to be a bit louder when I spoke to Elizabeth, so the nurses would hear that I was awake.  My nurse came in a few minutes later to ask the standard questions-  "how are you feeling?", "on a scale of 1-0, what is your pain level right now?",  "can I get you anything to drink, we have...".  The nurse only got to "how are you feeling?".  I replied with a big smile, "I feel great, no pain at all, and I'd like a cranberry juice and some shortbread cookies please".  She laughed at my eagerness to prove I was ready to go, and did her best to hurry things along.  As I was leaving, she called out "I hope your migraine feels better!"

There was miraculously very little traffic as we sped off to my aunt's house.  Although we didn't get there until 1:45, I sorta wasn't the last to arrive because one of my cousins was sleeping upstairs and didn't show her face until 2:30. My family bought the story, and seemed genuinely concerned that I was feeling okay.  To top it all off, there was a big bowl of fresh cut pineapple sitting on the kitchen counter when we walked in.  Maybe it's not a sign, but it sure made me happy.

So now I begin TWW #12.  Half to occur outside my body, and (hopefully) half to occur inside my body.  The total number of eggs retrieved was 26.  Of the 26 eggs, 16 fertilized.  They did ICSI this time, so I'm not sure if that means the egg quality was poor.  Has anyone else out there gotten pregnant when ICSI was done?  I hope I can produce quality and not just quantity!  

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


STFU- or, speak the fuck up. That's my new mantra for any interaction with a doctor. At my last IVF cycle, my eggs took a really long time to fertilize because apparently they were immature. I'm convinced that the early retrieval was one of the biggest factors contributing to the failure of that cycle. During my consult with the RE, I asked if I could stim for a few more days and trigger when my follicles are about 20mm, rather than triggering at 16-18mm. I felt confident that I could handle the extra growth, because my follicles were usually about 25 when I triggered on the unmedicated cycles. My doctor agreed and put a note in my file.

On Monday I went in for a scan and had a good number of follicles in the 15-17 range. The doctor said that I should trigger that night, and come in Wed for the retrieval. The old Gayby Rabies would have just trusted the doctor and done the shot that night. But not the new Gayby, who has vowed to live by STFU. I patiently reminded the doctor- the same one who put the note in my record in the first place- that we had agreed I'd stim a little longer before triggering. She played around on the computer for a minute, and then found the information about my last cycle. She agreed to let me stim a little longer, and I'm feeling more positive about this cycle.

So the good news is that upon triggering, I have a number of follicles that are 20mm and above. The bad news? My retrieval is scheduled for 11am on Thanksgiving Day. I'm still not sure how I am going to pull that off. I still haven't told my family we're TTC. Somehow, I have to get from the clinic to my aunt's house- which is 1 1/2 away without holiday traffic- in time for Thanksgiving dinner. They can't know why we're so late. I think I'm going to have to take a page from the book of my crazy co-worker and come up with a wild excuse. Please just let this be the last time I have to lie to my family.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Wait...I had a blog, didn't I?

No, I am not lying in a ditch somewhere.  It's just been a busy couple of weeks.  Two weeks ago, I started lupr0n.  It made me extra emotional this time around.  EVERYTHING made me cry.  I was listening to a story on NPR about the 40 year anniversary of Sesame Street, and when they played the theme song I started crying.  When my grandfather showed me a tattered picture of himself holding a bawling two-week-old me that he's been carrying around in his wallet for 30 years, more tears.  When someone in my office was brewing a particularly good smelling coffee, I welled up a little because I miss coffee so much.  It was an interesting week alright.

I've also been very busy at work.  November is normally a busy time in an academic library, but it's been particularly bad lately due to lack of coverage.  One co-worker in particular is absolutely ridiculous.  She's out once or twice every week and gives the most ridiculous excuses.  Once she called out for two days because the check engine light came on in her car.  Another time she called out because she dropped her keys in the snow.  And another time she called out because she claimed to have gotten whiplash from looking at an accident on her way to work.  Last week, she claimed to have hurt her foot on Thursday morning.  She put on a really terrible fake limp whenever she thought someone was watching her.  On Friday, she called out because she claimed that her foot was in so much pain that she couldn't focus.  While it's funny to hear what kind of excuse she's going to come up with next, it's irritating that I have to pick up so much of the slack.  When am I supposed to blog if I have to spend the whole workday working?

Fortunately, the weekend was much better.  Elizabeth and I went to see Superior Donuts, which was one of the best shows I've seen in a while.  We got some Christmas shopping done, and found out that our dear friend Angela, (who has been through breast cancer and a messy divorce / custody battle recently) is getting married this summer to one of the sweetest men I've ever met.  In TTC news, I've been stimming since Monday.  My follicles are coming along slowly but surely.  I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have a Thanksgiving day retrieval!  

Now I'm off to catch up on what the rest of blogland has been up to.  

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

San Diego, anyone?

This year, the big annual history nerd conference is in San Diego. In addition to research presentations, the big draw of the conference is the job interviews. All of the universities that are hiring send representatives to the conference to conduct loads of interviews over one very hectic weekend.

Since she's currently doing a one year post-doc, Elizabeth is on the job market this year and will be attending the conference. We were thinking that we could extend the conference weekend to a full week vacation. Given that our vacation budget has been almost entirely eaten up by our TTC spending, this could be our only vacation of the year. The only problem is, I'm not incredibly enthusiastic about San Diego. I've got nothing against the city, it's just that it's not a place I've ever had a burning desire to visit. This is where I need your help, dear reader. Is there anyone out there from San Diego who can make a pitch for their hometown? Maybe some of you have visited San Diego, and can tell me why it's a great vacation spot. Or perhaps it's a place you found disappointing. Besides the zoo, is there anything that makes it a great destination?

The alternative to both of us going to San Diego is that Elizabeth will go just for the days that she has interviews (fingers crossed that she has some!) and will share a hotel room with another nerd. I'd stay home and chill with the pooch. We'd then try to dig up the money to do a small-ish vacation to someplace we're both interested in visiting.

So...what can you tell me about San Diego?
ETA... the conference in in early January. We were also wondering if anyone knows what the public transportation is like there, as we were hoping to only rent a car for any side trips we might take.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween parties and pity parties

It's been a wild weekend.  On Friday, we had a Halloween costume party.  Planning the party kept me busy during the time immediately after BFN #11, and it was a very pleasant distraction.  As usual, I made too much food.  I made the B@kerella cake pops in ghost shapes, which were a lot of work, everyone loved them.  I also made cupcakes, and profiteroles with pumpkin mousse and homemade caramel sauce for dessert.  All of the desserts went over well, but unfortunately nothing went as well as one of the appetizers.  Since there were kids at the party, I wrapped hot dogs in strips of puff pastry so they looked like mummies.  The adults went wild over them.  I don't know why I even bothered putting an effort into the rest of the food.  Where the hell did I find these friends?  

mmm, spooky

Elizabeth and I both bought vintage 1950s dresses, and dressed up as "housewives having an affair with each other" for the party.  We had a costume contest and gave everyone silly prizes from the dollar store.  The grand prize winner got a snuggie.  Even the dog got into it.  Okay, maybe she was dragged into it.  I'm not one who normally buys clothes for the dog, but since we were having a party, and it was on sale, I just had to do it.

Our turtle dog waiting for someone to give her a snack.  I am officially one step away from becoming a crazy cat lady.

Waiting for party guests to arrive

This was the first year we have lived in a neighborhood with families and children, so it was our first year with trick-or-treaters.  We had everything from the slightly bewildered 2 year old mermaid to the 13 year old zombie whose father kept a close, but not too embarrassingly close watch over his son.  One little girl spent 5 minutes petting our dog before she remembered that she had come to our apartment for candy.  She got two bags. 

Maybe it was seeing all of those children that sent me spiraling downward.  I want that so much.  I want to make halloween costumes for my children and  pretend I don't notice that they're sneaking an extra piece of candy before bedtime.  But I've had to come to terms with the fact that there is a very good chance that I won't ever have that.  I think I hit rock bottom this weekend, wondering why some women get this so easily, and why I failed IVF.  Why don't I deserve to be a mother?  I spent most of today crying.  And then I got even more upset with myself for having such a pity party.  How can I bitch and moan about my rotten luck, when it could be much worse.  I could live in Kabul or have ebola or have had a miscarriage.  I know I have no right to complain, but I'm still sad.  

Friday, October 23, 2009

All dressed up but not quite ready to go

Thank you.  Yeah, you.  Your support and kind words meant so much.  It was probably the only thing that kept me from curling up in bed and hiding under the covers for a week.

I had braced myself for the worst at my consultation on Wednesday, but overall I think it went well.  My doctor thinks that I responded perfectly to the protocol they used.  The real problem was in the fertilization.  Apparently, it took a long time for my eggs to fertilize.  Some of them didn't fertilize at all, most likely because they had been sitting around in the petri dish too long.  The eggs that did fertilize grew slowly, and were on the small side even when they reached blastocyst stage.  My doctor does not believe that this is a sign of poor egg quality, but that I was triggered too early.  Even though the follicles looked big on the ultrasound and the hormone levels came back at the right level, my eggs are just a bunch of teenagers with fake I.D.s.  They might pretend to be mature, but they're really not.

I am frustrated that my eggs were retrieved so early.  Back in the day when I was doing unmedicated cycles, my follicles were in the 26-28mm range when I got a positive OPK.  At my first medicated cycle, I was told that I'd trigger when I had a follicle at 16- 18mm.  I questioned the doctor twice about this and reminded her that my follicles got much bigger than that.  But she insisted that 16 was mature, and I figured that I wasn't one to question the experts.  Of course I've spent the past few days wondering if my IUIs failed because the doctors have been triggering me too early the whole time.  On the other hand, I'm really hoping that the immature egg theory is the only reason why I'm not pregnant yet.  That seems easy enough to fix.  

Today, I went in for my day 3 scan and bloodwork.  Around noon I got the call that everything looks okay.  So tonight, I took a birth control pill and started IVF round 2.  Bring it on.

Monday, October 19, 2009

I need ice cream

You know that kid who can't seem to knock a single bowling pin down, even when there are bumpers in the gutters?

 Yeah, that's me.  

I've been hesitant to write this post, because nobody wants to be a Debbie Downer.  Everyone  in blogland has been so sweet, cheering me on.  I'm saddened and embarrassed to say that I've hit BFN #11.  Even when doctors take my eggs out of my body and dump 'em in a dish with sperm, then put the embryos back into my body , I can't seem to make a baby.  This was supposed to work.  I don't know what went wrong.  I made 18 eggs and the saline sonogram shows that my uterus is in great condition.  Sometimes, I worry that I keep getting negatives because I'm a bad person- that this is some kind of punishment because I forgot to give to NPR or something like that.  (I'm not religious, so I don't know who or what I think is doling out these punishments.)  

I was lucky enough to get a follow up appointment with my doctor for this week.  I hope she can shed some light onto why this happened.  Gonna go eat some ice cream now.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Questions answered- part 2

Bao in the oven asked:

Because I'm also partnered to someone who will eventually (fingers crossed) have a PhD, my question is about how the two of you see your careers relying on each other's. In other words, will y'all move wherever her career takes her? Are there places she won't even consider because you couldn't find a job or wouldn't want to live there?

I've let my career take a back seat while Elizabeth worked on her PhD. I always figured that I would decide what I want to do once she's gotten a job somewhere. I think part of the reason I've been hesitant to explore what I really want to do job-wise is because I don't want my career needs to conflict with hers. It would be hard if I found an ideal job here, but she was offered a tenure track position in California. Our plans to have a family together have a huge impact on where we're willing to live. She's not applying for jobs in places like Alabama or Oklahoma because we don't want to deal with laws that would be hostile to our family situation.

what is your favorite food memory?

Favorite food memory #1 is every Thanksgiving with my family. It's 3 days of non-stop eating. Every time you turn around, someone is putting out a dish of marinated long stem artichoke hearts or good cheese, etc. When Elizabeth and I were trying to figure out how we were going to handle spending holidays together, the only thing I wanted was Thanksgiving. I told her that we could spend every single other holiday with her family as long as we got to do Thanksgiving with mine.
Favorite food memory #2 is when Elizabeth took me to Blue Hill at the Stone Barn Center for my birthday 2 years ago. First we had a tour of the beautiful grounds and had the chance to sample tomatoes and green beans straight off the vines. Then we had lunch in the restaurant. During the summer they just bring you plate after plate of whatever is good and fresh that day. Everything we ate was grown / raised on the property, and every bite was perfect.

What's your dream vacation?

I would love to be one of those people who just sells her house and spends a year traveling the world. Of course, this is very much a dream because I don't even have a house to sell!

and a question from Libberal:

What are you favorite foods, and why?

I particularly love trying food from different places because I think it's so interesting to experience different flavor combinations and cooking methods. When I was about 10, I was visiting a nearby city with my mother and we passed an Ethiopian restaurant. I asked if we could try it, but she already had dinner plans. I continued to pester her for over a year to go to the restaurant, but she always said no. Then one day, she went with some friends and decided that she didn't like Ethiopian food. I gave her the cold shoulder for a week because I was so mad. I knew that without my mother to give me a ride, I'd have to wait until I got my drivers license to try Ethiopian food!
I love almost all food. Sometimes when I'm bored I'll go through the alphabet in my head and try to come up with my favorite food for each letter. I love dosas and vada and bhel puri and rasam. I love pho and tiny rice noodles with bbq pork and mint. I love pad kee mao and red curry. I love black curry and kotthu roti and and chicken biryani. I can stuff myself silly with rice and peas and plantains and oxtail. Tamales and tacos al pastor make me swoon. I love things that are terrible for me, like rillets and salumi platters and duck confit and cheese. You would know there is something wrong with me if I ever turned down ice cream. I love raspberries because there were raspberries growing in my yard as a child and I think they taste like sunshine. If I had to make a very general statement about my preferences, I'd say that I lean towards Asian and Latin American / Carribean food, and I like bold flavors.

Justine from Figboiler asked:

*what's on your to-do-before-40/ 50/ death (you name the deadline) list?

Besides having a baby? I would love to lear how to play any kind of musical instrument. I want to own a home.  I want to find a career that I love.  
My silly, and very doable to-do-item is to eat an ice cream cone with at least 3 scoops of different flavors.

*if it were all expense paid, where would you go on vacation?

I'd probably go to India, since it's so different from anyplace I've ever been and I know I'd like the food. Or maybe I'd bum around Europe for a while like all the rich kids do after they graduate.

*what's your favorite: dinner, treat, splurge, standby dinner? included recipes will be happily accepted!

My favorite dinner is anything that anyone else cooks for me. It's not because I'm lazy, but because I think cooking for someone else is a very loving thing to do. It makes me so happy to think that someone cares about me enough to put the effort into cooking. My favorite treat is good cheese. After each BFN, I buy myself little consolation prize of raw milk cheese. My favorite splurge is truffle salt. It seems like an insane amount of money to spend on a tiny jar of salt, but a little goes a long way. If you sprinkle it on popcorn with some butter and freshly grated parmesan cheese, people will think you're a genius. My standby dinner is red curry. I always have coconut milk and curry paste in the house, so it's a good way to use up any veggies or meat left over in the fridge. When I do parties, I tend to cater to the least common denominator since some of my friends are very picky. My turkey burger sliders (some of my friends don't eat beef) always go over really well. The secret is crushed chipotle peppers and worcestershire sauce.

*what are you doing with your days/ nights now that you aren't allowed to use google?

I saw a play the other day and did lunch with my brother. I went to a birthday party for my friend's son. I made caramel apples, and I am trying to figure out my halloween costume for the party we're throwing.

Journey Towards Our Baby asked:

1. Who is your favourite artist, and if you have one what is your favourite piece of art.

I don't have one favorite, but I love anytime art comes out of the museum and into the community. It can be anything from the orange gates in Central Park to a dragon made out of sand at the beach in San Francisco. I love anything that breaks the monotony of everyday and makes you think or smile.

2. If you could see any musician in concert, alive or dead, who would it be?

As odd as he was in his later years, I really wish I had gotten the chance to see Michael Jackson. When he was good, he was really good and you can't deny that he was incredibly influential. And I think his music will always be associated with our generation. I imagine my children will be shocked to learn that I never went to a Michael Jackson concert.

And last but not least, a question from Poppycat:

- What are three things you always have in your kitchen Gayby?

Like you, I always have a dog waiting for anything to fall on the floor. I always have lots of condiments- Elizabeth will put hoisin sauce on anything. I always have a giant hunk of parmesan cheese for grating.

- Describe your favorite pair of shoes and and tell us why you love them.

Ok, here's a picture of my favorite shoes:

I love them because I think they're cute, and I get compliments on them whenever I wear them. They have also led me to other pairs of shoes. They may be cute, but they are horribly uncomfortable. I made the mistake of wearing them when I was in London last year, on a day when we were doing a lot of walking. When I couldn't take it anymore, I just walked into a store and bought a cute pair of flats!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Your burning questions answered, part 1

Because inquiring minds want to know...part 1 of your questions answered!

From alimis:

You have mentioned that you job is not your ideal job, so I am curious, what is your job and what would you rather be doing every day instead?

My current job is in an academic library.   When Elizabeth got accepted to grad school, I needed to find a job quickly to support us both.  I had library experience and this job was available.  I’ve stuck with it because the benefits are good.

I’m not really sure what my ideal job is.  I didn’t have much direction in college, so I always worry that I don’t have the right background to get a better job.  At the moment, I think it would be really cool to do one of the edible schoolyard projects or maybe something with urban agriculture.  The only problem is that I have no experience in agriculture or education, so that's not an option unless I go back to school. 


From Metalstork:

How did you meet your partner?

We met in college.  She was a sophomore transfer student and I was a senior.  I would see her in the living room or the dining hall of our dorm and thought she was cute.  I tried to get any information I could about her from mutual acquaintences.  Everything I heard about Elizabeth made her seem like someone I’d really like.  Suddenly I turned into a shy middle-schooler.  I made a blabbermouth mutual friend of ours tell her that there was someone who was interested in her just to gage if she was interested in being in a relationship.  We had a coffee date a day or two later.  I was smitten, but I didn’t know how she felt.  It was the week of Valentine’s Day.  On Valentine’s Day eve, Elizabeth and I were studying in the living room of our dorm with about 6 other people.  After Elizabeth went to bed, I put a bouquet of flowers and a card outside her door letting her know that I really liked her.  I thought she’d find it in the morning, but she found it later that night and came running back down the stairs to the living room.  I wasn’t ready to deal with rejection in the event that she wasn’t interested in me, so I pretended to be asleep on the couch.  She shook me “awake” to make plans for a second date.


From Adventures in BabyMaking:

What did you both want to be when you grew up? How many siblings do you have?

I wanted to be a writer.  My favorite subjects in elementary school were reading and creative writing.  I thought that because I wrote really long stories, it meant they were very good.  Elizabeth wanted to be a singing hairdresser.  I’m not sure how she thought that would work out.  Elizabeth can NOT sing.  I'm not kidding.  Even when she tries to hum a tune, I can't tell what it is.

I have 1 brother who I grew up with.  We’re a year apart.  We fought all the time as kids, but get along pretty well now.  My father had an affair when I was about 5, and got another woman pregnant.  (my mom promptly kicked him out) So I also have a half sister who is 6 years younger than I am.  She lived with her mom and my father about ½ hour away from us until my sister was 4.  Then my sister and her mother moved from Connecticut to Indiana.  I used to see her about 1 or 2 times a year, but then it became clear what a jerk my father is and he would only pay to have her fly out about every other year.  I have trouble staying in touch with my sister because she moves around a lot and doesn’t always give me updated contact information.  She’s struggling a lot, because she has never had a strong adult in her life.  Her mother is very unstable.  The whole situation makes me very sad.  

Monday, October 12, 2009

3...or is it 2.5dp6dt

After the nurse told me that they got 18 eggs at my retrieval, I spent the rest of the day floating along on a fluffy little cloud of optimism.  The next day, I got the call that there were 6 eggs developing normally.  (I've been hesitant to put that number on my blog, because posting it makes it real, and it depresses me to know that 2/3 of my eggs were just no good)  Still, I tried to stay optimistic.  Fine, I won't be the next Michelle Duggar, but I can match the Bradys.  If they all stayed on track, 2 embryos for the upcoming transfer, plus 4 to freeze wouldn't be too bad.  The following week was torture for my impatient self.  Patients at my clinic are told in writing not to call and ask about the progress of their embryos.  I hated not knowing if my embryos were good quality, or if there were any embryos left at all.   
At my transfer on Saturday morning the doctor whizzed into my curtained off area, handed me a photo of 2 embryos and said, "that's all there is, we'll do the transfer in just a few minutes" and then he was off.  The transfer itself was uneventful. But the doctor left just as quickly as he came in, so I didn't get to ask about the quality of my embryos.  Given that I went from 18 eggs down to just 2 embryos, I'm concerned that the quality is not so hot.    
I realize that I am very lucky to have made it to the transfer stage of the game.  I know that not everyone gets there, and I should be a bit more grateful.  Try as I might, I can't fight the pessimism.  It doesn't help that I don't have any symptoms yet.  I'm driving myself crazy by googling 3dp6dt, where I find nothing but women talking about how they all had horrible cramps by now.  And I've been googling blastocyst pictures, comparing mine to the ideal specimens featured on IVF websites.  I'm convinced that mine look strange.  I'm going crazy.  
In order to prevent a google induced meltdown, I'm going to copy some of the other bloggers out there and beg for distractions.  If anyone out there has any questions they want to ask, feel free to ask away!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Update....with no information!

I've had a very difficult time getting any information from the clinic about the IVF process.  It's getting quite frustrating.  About 24 hours post retrieval, the nurse called and told me how many eggs were developing normally. I asked if there were any other eggs that had fertilized and stopped developing already, and she said she didn't know, but I could ask after my transfer on Wednesday.  The nurse said that on Wednesday morning before 11, I'd get a call letting me know what time to come in for the transfer.   

On Wednesday, the clinic finally called Elizabeth's cell phone at 11.  The told her that my embryos were doing well, and my transfer had been pushed back to Friday for a 5 day transfer.  She asked the nurse how many embryos were left, and the nurse said she had no information on the matter, but that we could find out after the transfer.  

So today, I got up nice and early.  I took a pregnancy test to make sure the trigger shot was out of my system.  And then I called out "sick" from work.  This is something I rarely do.  I especially hate calling out sick on Fridays because I know it looks suspicious.  But what can I do?  I relaxed and had a leisurely morning at home with the dog.  By 10:00 I was getting very excited for the impending phone call.  By 11:20, I was frantic.  I was sure that all of my embryos had arrested.  At 11:30, I finally called the clinic to find out what was going on.  Apparently my embryos are still looking okay, but are a bit slow to self select.  I have been pushed back to a 6 day transfer.  I tried once again to find out how many embryos are left, but the nurse had no information and said I could find out at the transfer.  

Between not knowing how many embryos I have, how the embryos are doing, or when the transfer will take place, I am very frustrated with the lack of information from the clinic.  Patients are not allowed to contact embryology.  We live in a world where people can monitor their pets at doggy daycare via webcam.  I don't think it's too much to ask to get an update on my potential future children.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Retrieval Update

I had my retrieval at 11 this morning.  I was a bit freaked out that all my follicles would have exploded or dissolved before I made it to the clinic.  When the nurse took my vitals before handing me over to the anesthesiologist, my pulse and blood pressure were WAAAAY higher than normal.  Elizabeth and I waited for what seemed like an eternity in my little curtained off hospital bed.  Great, plenty of time for me to get even more nervous.  

Finally, I was called into the procedure room.  I remember the anesthesiologist putting an oxygen mask over my face and telling me to think of my favorite place.  I remember him putting the drugs into my IV.  I remember looking at the light overhead, and thinking "I hope this doesn't take long".  And then Elizabeth was standing over me in the recovery room.  

As soon as I was conscious, I felt some crazy need to prove how alert I was.  While I was waiting to go into the procedure room, I had heard the people in the beds next to me, groggy and mumbling after they woke up.  My control freak self said that I just couldn't be one of those crazy mumbling women.  So I made a point of being super chatty with the nurse, which probably just made me seem like a weirdo.  

Overall, the retrieval was much better than I expected.  I haven't felt any pain or nausea, and was up and ready to go within 1/2 hour of being wheeled out of the recovery room.  And they got 18 eggs!  Now I am waiting on pins and needles for the phone call on Monday, when I find out if any of them fertilized.

Lucky duck socks in the recovery room

Friday, October 2, 2009

Knock me out, knock me up

I'm tired.  I've been getting up extra early each morning for the cattle call b/w & u/s appointments to check my response to the IVF drugs.  My follicles have been plugging along nicely.  Initially, I was told that my retrieval would happen between the 5th and the 8th.  So you can imagine my surprise when I was told to trigger Friday night for a Sunday (the 4th!) morning retrieval.  It's all happening so quickly.  For the first time in months I'm feeling excited and optimistic.  It's a very guarded optimism though.  I know that things can fall apart at any moment.  Just because I made a few eggs doesn't mean that any will fertilize, or implant.  

I'm nervous about the retrieval.  I've always been weirded out about being put under.  When I was 12, and the dentist told be I'd need to have my wisdom teeth pulled someday, I freaked out.  I was worried that, like people in sitcoms, I'd start talking and divulging secrets while under anesthesia.  At 12, my biggest fear was that I would somehow reveal that I was gay.  As if the moment my eyes closed, I'd scream "I love titties!"  So while I'm no longer a closeted kid worried about coming out while drugged, I'm still a control freak.  And the idea of being knocked out still makes me a bit uncomfortable.  It's like being drunk in front of a group of sober people.   

Monday, September 28, 2009

I, Pincushion

My poor belly.  I started stimming on Saturday, which brings me up to 3 injections per night.  I'm finally getting a lovely pattern of bruises around my bellybutton.  So far, I'm not feeling too much going on in my ovaries, which has me a bit nervous.  My second ultrasound is tomorrow morning, so hopefully it will reveal that my ovaries are doing more than I can feel.  For those of you who have done injectables for IUI and also done IVF, was the rate of follicle growth the same?  I'm wondering if my follicles are just growing more slowly with the IVF drugs, and maybe that's why I can't feel much. 

And for anyone who wants to compare notes, here's my IVF schedule:

8/31- 9/14-  birth control
9/15- 9/19- birth control + 20 units lupr0n
9/20 - 9/25 - 20 units lupr0n
9/26- 10/01  - 5 units lupr0n, 15 units low dose HCG, 300 units f0llustim
10/02- 2 shots of 0vidrel
10/4 - retrieval

Monday, September 21, 2009

One year anniversary of the break-up.

Dear Coffee,

It has been one year since we parted ways and I must admit, I still miss you terribly. I'm sure you were hurt and confused by the break-up. First I start seeing less and less of you, and then I stop returning your calls entirely. Believe me when I say it's not you it's me. You were my reason for getting up in the morning. You made me feel alive. At times I'll catch a whiff of your perfume on the air and I'll feel nostalgic for the old days, when we were inseparable. When I was having a tough day, you could comfort me like no one else could.
Sometimes I think we can still be friends. Maybe see each other on occasion. But I have to be honest with myself. I know that if I start seeing you a little bit, I'll want you all the time. I have no control when it comes to you. So for now we must remain apart, even though there are some days when I think it will kill me. But I won't ever give up on the hope of us being together again...someday.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Just say yes to drugs!

This IVF stuff is really happening. I've been on birth control for a few weeks, and started lupr0n tonight. So here is the obligatory photo of my giant stash of meds. And this doesn't even include the needles.

Here is a picture of the needle for pr0gesterone next to a f0llustim needle just for comparison purposes:

And here's a picture of the pr0gesterone needle next to a railroad spike, again just for comparison purposes:

hint: the railroad spike is painted gold
(edit- okay all of you gutterminds, as soon as I posted this picture I realized that the railroad spike looks like a lumpy gold dildo. Why do I have a railroad spike you ask? Elizabeth's father has occasionally found the spikes when he is out walking the dog. He thinks they are very cool. Many years ago, on the first Christmas I spent with Elizabeth, her father kept sneaking off to the basement and returning with a silly grin on his face. Every time he opened the door, we could smell paint fumes. He wouldn't say a word about what he was up to. On Christmas morning, I got a small, clumsily wrapped package from Elizabeth's father with a card that said "You're as good as gold". Inside was a railroad spike that he had found the day before and painted gold. He has only found about 8 of the railroad spikes in his life, and given only a few away. So in his quirky dad kind of way, the railroad spike was his way of letting me know that I was totally accepted into the family. It's a little silly, but very sweet if you know the guy.)

The doctor decided to put me on metf0rmin even though I tested negative for insulin resistance because it supposedly helps egg quality. I'm willing to try anything at this point. Has anyone out there used metf0rmin? Did you have any side effects? The nurse told me to do a low-carb / high protein diet to minimize the side effects of metf0rmin. The low carb thing is no fun, so I might stop doing it and see how it goes. What about lupr0n? So far, I'm feeling okay but perhaps the side effects take a little while to manifest themselves. Anyone care to share their experience in the wonderful world of IVF drugs?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Just. Act. Normal.

You know how it is when you have an inside joke? When you see something that is only funny to you and others who are in on the joke, and you smirk or giggle like an idiot? Well, TTC has become the inside joke between me and Elizabeth. The other day we were watching T0p Chef with some friends, and one of the chefs was making something with liquid nitrogen. My friend Leigh suggested that for the next episode, I make snacks for everyone using liquid nitrogen. The mere mention of liquid nitrogen causes Elizabeth to get a goofy grin on her face. "Where would we EVER get something like THAT?" she wondered aloud. Of course I know she's probably thinking about the time we threw a strawberry into the tank after a home insem just because we were curious. But normal people don't giggle when they see liquid nitrogen, so I played it cool as best I could.

Last week Elizabeth's parent's were visiting and her mother commented on a little hand painted bowl sitting on the counter. She picked it up to admire it further and complimented our good taste. Little did she know that this is the bowl that we used for all of our home insems. The bowl would be placed on the bedside table to hold the thawing vials so they wouldn't fall and roll under the bed or radiator. I thanked her, but with a stupid grin on my face. And then I caught Elizabeth's eye and nearly died trying to stop myself from laughing. It is not normal to laugh or avoid eye contact when someone compliments your kitchenware.

I am so terrible at hiding my emotions and keeping secrets. Why did I think I would be able to get myself knocked up without anyone finding out until I announced my pregnancy?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Bad timing

Yesterday, I went for my day 3 bloodwork and was given the go-ahead to start birth control.  I was very disappointed to discover that they do not taste like pez.  My nurse sent me a preliminary IVF schedule this morning.  This is really happening, folks.  The first few weeks of the schedule are easy enough to follow.  It's the last week or two when things will be a bit up in the air depending on how I respond to the f.ollustim.  As soon as I get a bunch of follicles at 16mm I trigger and then have the retrieval 36 hours later.  The clinic usually does a 5 day transfer, but will go earlier if the embryos don't look very strong.  Normally, I'd be okay to go with the flow, but there's supposed to be a family get together during the week in question.

My mother has been with a really great guy named Roger for close to 4 years now, and they've been living together for a little over 2.  They're almost painfully cute together.  He has a son and daughter, both a little younger than Elizabeth and I.  Last October, my mother and Roger arranged a weekend at the beach for all of the children and their significant others to meet.  It was a great idea, but the timing was hard.  I had just gotten my first BFN in September.  I ended up missing what should have been my second try to be at the beach.  To make matters worse, Roger's daughter was there with her adorable 2 year old son, and she was visibly pregnant with her second.  I was moping and feeling sorry for myself for the first BFN, and then had to watch my mother adoring her first grandchild, and doting on her pregnant stepdaughter.  I'm not very good at hiding my emotions, so I know my mother picked up on my grumpiness.  Unfortunately, she had no idea why I was in a foul mood, because Elizabeth and I have not told anyone we're TTC.  So my mother probably though I was being antisocial for no reason, or that I was unwilling to accept new family members.

Now, my mother is planning a repeat of the beach getaway for this October.  And it's almost certain that I'll need to be at the clinic that weekend, either for monitoring or retrieval.  There's a very slight chance that the schedule will work out so that I can trigger on a Saturday morning, spend one day at the beach, and then race back to the clinic for the retrieval.  But it's highly unlikely that it will work out so easily.  No, I think the most likely scenario is that I pretend to  suddenly come down with swine flu just before the beach weekend and have to back out.  Yeah, I'm concerned that my mother might suspect that I'm faking the flu and get upset.  I know this weekend means a lot to her, so I feel really guilty about the possibility of backing out at the last minute.  I can only hope she understands, and forgives me once I finally get pregnant.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I've been tagged!

I've been tagged by Sarah at "A Baby for Carter"! What fun, what an honor. I've been loving her blog lately because we're going to be starting IVF at the same time. Also, I can click between "A Baby for Carter" and "Carter Time" to look at all of the adorable pictures of her son. Go ahead, I dare you to look at those pictures and tell me you've ever seen a more handsome little guy.

So the rules as I understand them are as follows:
Link back to the person who tagged you. Done. Tag 10 other blogs and tell 'em why you love 'em. List 10 honest things about yourself.
It appears that most people on my blogroll have already been tagged, so I'm not sure I can come up with 10 blogs. I'm trying not to double tag anyone.
First I'd like to tag Lisa at "And Baby Makes 3" She has been giving me helpful, supportive comments from the beginning. I never knew I could feel so grateful for a person I've never even met. And I am so excited by her recent BFP!
Next, I'd like to tag Jersey from "Woes of a Barren Lesbo" She makes me laugh. And she's from New Jersey. What other reasons do I need?
Third, I'm tagging Keely over at "Schroedinger's Womb" because any coffee addict is a friend of mine.
Tag number 4 goes to "Mommies in the Making", because they seem very sweet, and they're on a small break, so they need something fun to post about.
Number 5 goes to "Figboiler". I love how open and honest and raw your emotions are on your blog. You have a way of articulating what so many people are feeling but can't put into words. Yeah, I know you're been tagged already. But there are TWO of you. So this is my way of making sure that Justine and Boo each give us 10 things. No splitting the list!
Sixth, I'd like to tag "Journey towards our Baby" Because I feel like I could have written a lot of their posts, and because they're hopping on the IVF train too. I thought I saw somewhere that they'd already been tagged, but now I can't find where. So, just to be safe I'm tagging you too.
Number 7 goes to Rachel at Single Mom Insanity. I've just started following your blog, but I already think you're cool. Plus, I was raised by a single mom, so I've got a great deal of admiration for all the single moms out there.
And finally, I tag anyone who happens to be reading this! If you're on my blogroll and I didn't tag you, it's because I saw (or thought I saw) you on another list and not because I don't love you. Any lurkers, or people who have not yet commented are invited too! This is fun.

10 Honest things about me

1) I don't think I'd feel any great loss if I never spoke to my father again.

2) My first celebrity crush was on Whitney Houston when I was 6 years old. Remember when music clubs (C0lumbia House, etc) would send you little stamps with pictures of all the albums you could chose from? I used to tear out the Whitney Houston stamps and save them. Oh, and Jennifer Beals too. After I saw Flashdance I stretched out the collars on all of my T-shirts and sweatshirts so they would hang off of my shoulder. My mother was PISSED!

3) I usually have a meltdown when I go clothes shopping because I hate my body. Therefore, I don't go clothes shopping very often. And then I get cranky because I have nothing to wear. I just can't win.

4) I have a thing for artificial watermelon flavor.

5) When I was 5 years old, I was in a Su.baru commercial. I think it's what made me gay.

6) My biggest pet peeve is people who have no sense of the world around them. People who talk very loudly on cell phones on public transportation, line cutters, people who walk 3 or 4 abreast on narrow sidewalks and don't move for people walking in the opposite direction- they all make me nuts.

7) The ASPCA commercials make me cry.

8) I wish that I had taken time off between high school and college, because I didn't get as much out of the experience academically as I would have liked. But I did meet the love of my life at school, so I suppose it was worth it. :)

9) I subscribe to 3 foodie magazines and I have a shelf full of cookbooks, but I rarely use recipes when I cook.

10) I am SO EXCITED to be starting IVF soon.