Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Scan #2

I have been bad about commenting other blogs lately.  Sorry about that.  Last night I had a major freak-out.  I have had some spotting ever since my positive beta.  (This is where I put in the obligatory apology for the possibility of TMI to follow. )  Usually it's light in color-  pale pink or brown.  It only happens when I wipe, and is about the size of a kernel of corn.  But last night it got bright, bright red, and was the size of a half dollar.  I was scared enough to call the answering service at my clinic.  They told me all I could do was relax with my feet up, so that's what I did.  

My second ultrasound was this morning.  I hardly slept at all last night, and was the second person into the clinic in the morning.  The three gestational sacks were visible immediately, and they've gotten much bigger since my first scan.  I'm happy to report that the doctor easily found a 122 bpm heartbeat in sac A.  She then moved over to sac C, which had a heartbeat of 124 bpm.  I'll admit, I teared up when I heard the whooshing of those tiny fragile hearts.  Sac B is a bit of a mystery.  The doctor wasn't able to clearly see anything in the sac, but she really wasn't sure.  She said that the position could just be making it difficult to see anything.  My next scan is on Jan 8th, when I'll be 8 weeks.  Hopefully by then they'll be able to get a clear picture of B.   Honestly, I'm okay with any outcome for B.  As it is, I'm over the moon about hearing 2 heartbeats.  If they both stick around, I'll be happier than I could ever put into words.  If I see three heartbeats at my next ultrasound, it will be scary and overwhelming but also amazing.  

What's really puzzling me is the fact that I still have no symptoms.  I am 6w5d today, and my beta came back at nearly 67,000.  How am I so completely oblivious to what's going on in my body?  There are at least 2 beating hearts in there, and I don't feel a thing!  I think the lack of symptoms are making it harder for me to believe that this is real.  I'm still not associating that p-word with myself.  I don't really want to wake up and puke, but it would make this seem a bit more real.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Holiday insanity

It's been a crazy few days.  Christmas has always been about rushing around for me.  My parents are divorced, and so are my grandparents.  That means seeing a LOT of people in a very short amount of time.  People who like to make you feel guilty for leaving their house for another house.  Throw the in-laws into the mix, and holidays are total insanity.  Sometimes I feel like I spend more time in the car than I do with the people I'm trying to visit.  If nothing else, it was a good distraction.  My second ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow.  This is the one where they'll be checking for heartbeat/s.  So far, I've had no symptoms at all.  I know the lack of symptoms didn't mean anything last time, but it still has me on edge.  

Now that I'm back home, and have internet access again, I'm off to catch up on blogs.  I hope you all got pregnant while I was away!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Longest. Week. Ever.

The 1 week wait between beta #2 and beta #3 / ultrasound #1 was far longer than any TWW.  Probably the longest week of my life.  The last beta took place on 23dpo.  I didn't have any symptoms, so my suspicion was that an ultrasound would reveal only the shadow of a gestational sack that had been reabsorbed.  I was happy to see that Dr.B, my favorite doctor, was doing the ultrasounds that morning.  He's a bit softspoken, very gentle, personable and reassuring.  If there is anyone I would want to deliver bad news, it would be him.

By the time I was stripped from the waist down, I was visibly shaking.  Elizabeth did her best to calm me before the doctor came in, but to no avail.  Dr. B saw how nervous I was, and reassured me that they were just looking for a gestational sack that day.  He inserted the dildocam and I saw nothing.  He moved it around a little more, and I thought I saw something, but then he moved away.  Back and forth he went, muttering to himself and looking at the screen with a furrowed brow.  

"How many embryos did we put back?"  he asked
"Two", I told him "that's all I had left".
"Hmmm" he said and squinted at the screen some more, "are you sure they put two back?"
"yes, two" I repeated
"Okay," he said after a moment, "because I'm seeing three".

Ladies, I nearly fell off the table.  I will admit that I dropped the f-bomb, quite audibly, in the exam room.  Both embryos took, and one had the nerve to divide.  I am so excited to finally be pregnant, but scared to death about the idea of triplets.  I know it's still early.  The scan was at 5 weeks 2 days.  I could lose any or all of them.  Anything can happen.  I've spent the past 48+ hours in a total daze.  This is the last thing I was expecting.  I had prepared myself for the possibility of twins.  But triplets?  When only 2 embryos were transferred?  The chances of that happening were less than 1%.  I'm a bit overwhelmed with emotions of all sorts right now.  On the 29th, I go in for a second ultrasound when they'll be looking for a heartbeat / heartbeats.  I'm so glad I have Christmas and a new dog to keep me distracted.  Until then, I can safely say that this is the coolest Christmas present I've ever gotten.  

Friday, December 18, 2009


I was tagged about a million years ago for this meme by bao in the oven.  I had been saving it for a time when I really needed distraction or a post topic.  So, thank you Mama Bao, having this meme to complete meant that I only spent 90% of my work day typing things like "5 weeks no symptoms" into Dr. Google.  I'd like to tag a few other bloggers who are in need of distraction or blog topics.   I'm tagging Mommies in the making,  Half a dozen of the other, and Woes of a barren lesbo.  

1. What is the color of your toothbrush?  

Green.  I always buy green toothbrushes. 

2. Name one person who made you smile today.


3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?

Unlocking the doors at work

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Packing things up for a UPS delivery.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Reeses, Twix and Crunchies

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?

Once, in college.  A friend’s girlfriend was working there and we went to support her.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?

“No, sorry” when someone asked if a phone had been turned into our lost and found.

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

Pistachio or hazelnut gelato.  I also had a really amazing blackberry rhubarb sorbet at a place called Scoop and Crumb in Brighton.  It was like I had found the sorbet I’d been searching for all my life.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Gingerbread flavored herbal tea.  It was the only non-caffeinated, artificial sweetener-free beverage available at a work party

10. Do you like your wallet?

It’s okay.  I could really use some more space for cards.  I always forget to use gift cards because I don’t have enough space to carry them all in my wallet.


11. What was the last thing you ate?

Pizza, at the work party. 

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?


13. The last sporting event you watched?

Went to a Yankees game in August.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Either doused in Franks Red Hot, or with truffle salt and parmesan cheese.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?


16. Ever go camping?

Not nearly enough.

17. Do you take vitamins daily?

T@rget brand prenatals, hidden inside a regular multivitamin container.  I have nosy friends, and I don’t want them finding prenatals in my medicine cabinet.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

I’m not religious at all.

19. Do you have a tan?

Currently, not so much.  The short days and fluorescent lights at work don’t help the situation.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Very tough question, since there are so many variations.  I love our regular Chinese restaurant, because they always give us the REAL menu.  But bad Chinese food can be spectacularly bad.  I suppose if I had to choose between bad pizza and bad Chinese food, I’d take the bad pizza because it would be the lesser of two evils.  Good pizza vs. good Chinese food?  It completely depends on the day.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

I don’t really drink soda. 

22. What did your last text message say?

I parked on Huntington St. and am about to walk over to the party.  I am so glad we don’t live there anymore.  

23. What are you doing tomorrow?

Having a holiday cocktail / hors d’oeuvres party, and having my 5 week ultrasound.  Please please please let them see something!

24. Favorite color?


25. Look to your left; what do you see?

The UPS shipment I just packed up.

26. What color is your watch?


27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”?

My spoiled brat cousin.  She’s spending the second half of her junior year abroad in Australia, because she thinks of it as a free vacation.  She’s already behind on credits at school because she doesn’t put any effort in.  She likes the image of being a vacant sorority girl.  Going to Australia will put her even further behind academically, but she doesn’t care because Mommy and Daddy are paying for her to go to college.

28. Would you strip for money?

Usually I pay a $15 co-pay for the privilege of stripping from the waist down.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

I only go into fast food places if I need to pee on a road trip.

30. What is your favorite number?

35.  I decided a while back that when I hit 35, my life would be going in the direction I want it to.  We’ll see.

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?

Elizabeth called and asked if I needed anything from the grocery store

32. Any plans today?

Make red velvet cupcakes and 3 kinds of truffles for our party tomorrow.  Start prepping d’oeuvres, walk the dogs.

33. In how many states have you lived?

3.  I lived in Connecticut and Massachusetts before I lived here.

34. Biggest annoyance right now?

The cold weather.

35. Last song listened to?

Dunno.  Some Christmas song at a work party.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Not without some serious concentration.  I’m screwed if I ever get pulled over and they suspect I’m drunk.

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?


38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Black flats.

39. Are you jealous of anyone?

The uber-fertile, homeowners, people who have the means to travel whenever they want.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?

I used to think not, but then I found out that a lot of our friends are jealous that Elizabeth and I are in a stable relationship and have our shit together more than they do.  And for these people, owning a vacuum constitutes having your shit together.

41. Do you love anyone?

Of course.  It makes me so sad to think that someone might answer no.

42. Do any of your friends have children?

Just one.  My friend Angela has 9 and 12 year old boys.  I absolutely adore those kids.  The 12 year old has a picture of our dog on his f@cebook page.  How cute is that?

43. What do you usually do during the day?

Work, procrastinate, walk the dog, cook, read, snuggle.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

My mom always told me that hate is a very strong word.  Some people annoy the crap out of me though.

45. Do you use the word hello daily?

I’m more of a “hey” kind of girl.

46. What color is your car?

I think it’s called desert sand.  It’s that not-quite-gold color so popular with cars made in the mid 90’s

47. What size wedding ring do you wear?

Never had a wedding, don’t have a ring.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

People I still need to buy Christmas presents for.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

Not since it was called Riverside.

50. How did you get your worst scar?

My only scar is a really little one on my knee, from trying to shave my legs when I was too young to know how to do it properly.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The new dog

I can't even begin to tell you how much last week's positive beta caught me by surprise. With all of the spotting, and the total lack of symptoms, I was so sure that my period was starting. I was so sure that this cycle was a flop that Elizabeth and I started searching petfinder for another dog. A consolation prize to take my mind off a second failed IVF. We were actually in the car bringing the new dog home when I got the call that my beta had risen.

So far, everything is going very smoothly with doggy number 2. She's a 2 year old, supposedly boxer lab mix who was found as a stray. She was brought to a kill shelter while pregnant with 11 puppies.  The puppies were adopted, and she was sent to a foster network. So far, she's gotten along incredibly well with our 6 year old boxer/jack russell mix. She's a cuddler, and takes treats very gently. I'm wondering why we didn't do this sooner.

(Tillie's petfinder photo- how could we say no to that face?)

Tillie has been an excellent distraction, which I very much need this week. I had my first blood draw on Thursday, 12/10. The next one was on Saturday, 12/12. My third won't be until Saturday, 12/19. I will also have a 5 week ultrasound that day.  I am starting to freak out. Waiting a whole week between beta #2 and beta #3 seems like a long time. Did anyone else have to wait this long? I might not be as nervous if I actually felt pregnant, but right now I just don't. I have no symptoms whatsoever. That, combined with the spotting and my past performance at trying to make a baby has me a little pessimistic about what will happen at my ultrasound on Saturday. Bad news in the privacy of your own home is one thing. Bad news when you're up on a table stripped from the waist down while a doctor is poking you with a dildocam is another. Either way, come Saturday I'll know if Tillie is a distraction dog, or a consolation dog.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I didn't wait for her to sing

I had to go for my pregnancy test on Thursday. There are few things more frustrating than going for a blood draw when you already know it's going to be negative. I almost canceled but I knew that the information they got could be valuable for the next round. While I was waiting for the draw, the phlebotomist was talking about the show "I d1dn't kn0w I was pregnant". She said that if she ever walked into a doctor's office in pain, and the doctor said "surprise, you're pregnant" she would shoot herself. The two other women waiting to have blood drawn and I tried unconvincingly to laugh.

After the blood draw I went into work for a little while, and then had to go to a brunch that the head of my department was having for all of the team leaders. One of the men brought his 2 1/2 year old son. I did my best to act disinterested. Pretending I'm just not into kids has always been one of my best defenses. After the party, I stopped at home to let the dog out. There's nothing like a dog to cheer you up when your feeling down. By this time, the spotting had become bright red, so I really needed some puppy therapy. I took much longer than I should have getting back to work, but my immediate supervisor is very laid back about that sort of thing.

When I got into the office, there was a voicemail from Elizabeth. She sounded like she had been crying. "Check your yahoo account" was all she said. I checked it, and there was an e-mail from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line YAY!!!

My beta came back at 148 for day 14.

I can not even begin to tell you how much I was not expecting this. Enough that I called her back and told her that there must be some mistake- that the phlebotomist probably mixed the vials up. I argued that I was spotting, and that I had no symptoms whatsoever. She practically had to hit me over the head to get me to reluctantly accept her congratulations.

These last few days have really put me on edge. I kept waiting to start bleeding full flow. My heart was in my throat every time I went to the bathroom. By the end of the day on Thursday, the spotting had tapered off. The spotting could have died because my nurse put me on estrace. I'm still not sure if the estrace is just delaying the inevitable arrival of AF.

My second beta happened today. Elizabeth and I talked a lot about the possible outcomes of this beta. The total lack of symptoms combined with the fact that I was still spotting a bit had me convinced that todays test would show a drop in beta levels. We decided that one positive beta was the furthest we'd ever made it, and that alone was a victory. It was a sign that maybe there was still hope for me having a baby after all. Just before lunchtime, a different nurse called back with the beta results. There was no emotion in her voice. I tried to remember my promise to myself, to be happy that I had gotten just one positive beta. But the emotionless nurse said that my day 16 beta was 324.

So I suppose my previous post was a bit premature. It's not over till the fat lady sings. But I was so dead sure that I was going to get another negative. After 11 negatives, I was expecting to feel something dramatically different on a positive cycle. I don't want to get too excited too quickly. I know that two positive betas does not equal a baby. I know how quickly this can all slip away. I know that there are many of you who are still struggling and will read this and feel that punch in the gut. You'll wonder why the fuck it was me and not you. I've been there so many times. Half of me feels like this is not really happening and I'll have an early miscarriage at any moment. The other half feels unworthy and guilty that there are still so many people out there struggling- so many people that deserve this more than I do. I suppose all I can do at this point is take each day that AF stays away as a victory, and cheer the rest of you on until it's your turn.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

One Dozen

I heard she was in town.  I knew she'd stop by sooner or later.  That no-good bitch Aunt Flo.  She'll be here any day now.  Like anyone who has been trying too damn long to have a baby, I have a habit of looking at every piece of toilet paper I use.  Only someone this practiced at BFNs would have noticed the faint pink tinge on the paper.  I wish I could post some good news for once- nobody likes a downer.  It's hard not to be depressed after 2 failed IVF cycles, and 12 total BFNs.  I am crushed.  

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

IVF round 2- now with 50% more pineapple!

I had my transfer today.  Once again I was pushed to day 6.  And once again, there were only 2 embryos to transfer, and nothing to freeze.  It makes me very concerned about my egg quality.  Out of 26 eggs retrieved, only 2 were good enough to make the cut.  I'm trying my best to stay optimistic.  The embryos from this cycle look much bigger than the embryos from last cycle.  The doctor who did the transfer said they looked good.  He wasn't able to give me anything more detailed than that.  I have to wait until after my pregnancy test to make an appointment with my doctor for a full embryology report.

Overall, the transfer went very quickly and smoothly.  The embryologist was able to get them into the catheter on the first try.  At my last transfer, she was chasing them around the petri dish.  It looked like she was crushing them.  It was an incredibly nerve wracking thing to watch, especially when you're flat on your back with your legs in stirrups and a speculum poking out of you.  My bladder was full enough so the doctor was easily able to locate the best point for transfer.  It's so cool to see the tiny white flash on the screen when the embryos are shot out of the catheter.  The only awkward moment came when I was being wheeled out of the procedure room.  The nurse who brought me back to my bed asked me if I was flying solo that day.  I looked confused, so she rephrased - your husband couldn't make it today.  I couldn't think of a witty comeback, and just said "SHE is standing right behind you" and pointed towards Elizabeth.  It never ceases to amaze me that so many people at the clinic assume I'm straight.  Elizabeth thinks that people are just thrown off by my long hair.

The rest of my day consisted of resting on the couch watching Wife Sw@p, eating my weight in pineapple.  Fun times.  I still haven't decided if I'm going to call out sick tomorrow and take another day of bed rest.