Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Shhh, I'm just an impostor.

I'm feeling like a bit of an impostor in TTC blogland since I'm not actively TTC at the moment. I took August off to wait for a consultation with my RE. Now I have to take September off to prepare for IVF. I really don't know what to do with myself. I won't have anything TTC related to blog about for some time. I fear my readership abandoning me for more exciting blogs with betas and ultrasounds and belly pics. I am feeling restless and unproductive and boring.

When I started out, I thought I would get pregnant easily and have a baby by the time I was 30. But somehow that birthday snuck up on me last week, and I have to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't even able to get pregnant before I turned 30. I know, I know, it's such an arbitrary number. But 30 just feels so...grown up. Like I can no longer use the fact that I'm only in my twenties as an excuse for not having my life exactly where I want it. Ok, enough of that. I feel like I should offer you some cheese with that whine.

I am trying very hard to shake the negativity and restlessness, and come up with some things that are GOOD about waiting until October to try again:

*My poor little credit card will get a much needed break

*I have a better chance of having a summer baby. That would be great for Elizabeth's schedule since she's in the education field. And my summer baby would turn 5 just before the start of the school year, so he / she should be able to start kindergarten right away.

*If my first round of IVF works, I should be able to tell my family about the pregnancy at Christmas.

*I can make another half-assed attempt to lose weight before I get pregnant.

*I can wear loose winter clothing to hide the pregnancy during the early stages, so my co-workers won't get suspicious before I'm ready to tell them.

That's all I've come up with at the moment. If anyone else has taken a slightly longer break and wants to tell me how beneficial it was, I'm all ears!


Rachel said...

I guess you could add temporary freedom from mood-altering medication and injections and thermometers to the list?
Hope it works on the first try when you do start again. I know what you mean about feeling like an imposter in ttc land. I think about that too. When I'm not trying to get knocked up, my life is pretty boring. Even with 2 kids.

mama bea, bao in the oven said...

Don't go! Keep us updated on your life anyway. I love your sense of humor and will be so sad if you don't blog.
You've got a great list of positive things going, and each day between now and your first IVF will put you one step closer to that fantastic day when you get to tell your family at Christmas. SO EXCITING!
Happy belated birthday, by the way!

Schroedinger said...

Then I've been impostering for a whole year! These breaks seem to be a part of the whole process. We don't need to know that state of your cervix to want to hear about your life :)

Anonymous said...

I am an imposter as well! :) I found it hard to blog while not TTC because I am not the type that would blog-I just started to blog as a way to have a record of what V and I went through. But, with that said, do not duck out and leave the blog world because I enjoy reading you.
I think telling you family at Christmas that you are knocked up is exciting and fun.

Anonymous said...

Those are all really good things about being on a break! On both of our breaks (one voluntary and one forced after the m/c), once I got into the groove I really enjoyed it and felt like I used to before this life sucking journey began.

I'll check in with you whether you are activly TTC or not because I just like hearing about you. Maybe you should play the tww questions game (we ask, you tell) OR my favorite, picture posts! Whatever you do, we'll still be here.

Lisa said...

I'm here reading your blog no matter what. Sometimes writing about everyday life is all part of the ttc journey.

Sarah said...

Seriously, are we the same person? It looks like we'll be IVF-ing the same month! I, too, have no idea how to feel about this break (other than anxious to get this show on the road). I am right there with you on giving my credit card a break, and I hadn't even thought about the X-mas thing! And, with you on summer baby, good for education partner. So, yeah, your post freaked me out cuz now I think we're living parallel lives.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Poppy - do the Q&A thing, I love that!

We've had a few breaks now and to be honest they were always hard at first, but realistically we would not have survived all this with our sanity intact without them!

It is refreshing to have some time to do what you want to do without worrying about times/dates etc.

I definitely hear you though - good work for trying to concentrate on the positives, it's not easy I know :)

Anonymous said...

The pause that refreshes... not just a soft drink commercial. Breaks are a good thing, especially when you've got a big and wonderful thing to look forward to.

I was a big break-taker during my process. Only two weren't by choice, and those were hard. All the chosen breaks? Heaven. Absolute heaven.

Also, don't worry your head about being an impostor. You're not. You've still got the Gayby Rabies... you're just on a brief break.

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

It’s funny to me these days how often I read someone’s blog entry and think, “wow, I almost could’ve written that myself” and this entry is definitely one of those times. I feel ya, girlfriend.
And I agree w/ everyone else; keep us posted on what is going on in your non-ttc world!

A said...

I understand the way you feel during these breaks. I've been there, but I haven't abandoned you. :) I wish you luck in your IVF Cycle. The breaks will be worth it when you get that BFP.

justine said...

gayby. you could never be an imposter here. i do hope you'll keep on blogging. i am sure that you'll have lots of thoughts on the upcoming ivf and all and, even if not, keep on letting us know how life is over there in break land. i think you've got quite a great list going there and that with your great outlook and attitude, you'll only add to it.

looking forward to reading more soon...

Jersey said...

ok..not to sound like im copying off of other comments but i feel like i coulda written this entry! especially the part about half-assed attempts to lose weight before getting prego. blech!

(happy belated birthday!!)

Libberal said...

I'm with Kelly on the cervix comment. I'm working through my own voyeur guilt as well, as I won't be TTC until January, but I think its all part of the process. The build-up, the breaks, it all is important in the long run. I love reading your posts, don't stop!