Monday, August 10, 2009

Never would I ever

My consolation prize for BFN #10 was a visit to the bar with Elizabeth and our friend Alyssa.  Alyssa has been away all summer doing research for her dissertation, so it was good to catch up.  She told us about one of her friends who is trying to start a family and (gasp!) took fertility drugs. "You know they make those drugs from guinea pigs" Alyssa said.  I had to stop myself from telling her that it's actually Chinese hamsters.  (That's the fun of secretly TTC-  you have to pretend you know nothing about the process).

 "I would NEVER do something crazy like that to have a baby," she later asserted.  Ladies, I almost choked on my beer laughing.  I remember feeling exactly the same way before I started this TTC madness.  I remember a time when I thought I would just adopt. I remember when I thought I'd get pregnant easily and wouldn't ever need fertility drugs.  I can't pinpoint the moment when I knew that I wanted to try to get pregnant.  I'm not sure when I became the type of person who would happily inject myself with something that may increase my risk of ovarian cancer just for the chance of having a baby.  This journey sure will change you.

On Wednesday, I have a consultation with my doctor to see where I go after 10 failed inseminations.  A big part of me is hoping that she'll recommend IVF, because somehow I've become the kind of girl who WOULD do something crazy like that to have a baby.


Anonymous said...

Oh yes! We've become those girls too, so very very far from where we first began but hey, you do what you need to, right?
Good luck with the consult!

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

Wow. Well, it goes without saying that I know exactly how you feel, and V and I almost could've written that post ourselves. I typically find that it's easier not to tell anyone, especially when we get another BFN. But sometimes I almost just want to tell everyone, if only to get them to stop asking about it.

Suffice it to say that your friend hasn't been there, and doesn't have any idea how she'd react if she were in your (our) shoes. And I'm sure we all had grandiose ideas about ttc before we started. Lesson learned, right?

justine said...

it's such a funny scene to be out with someone who broadcasts such things. especially when we all know that once you are in this crazy ttc world, anything goes. it's just such a un-self-aware statement to make. of course, over the course of such an undertaking things will change.

we've said from the beginning that we'll re-evaluate from a certain point and that if things aren't working, we'll step it up. that's just how it works.

i've had the opposite interaction lately, though. someone assuming that my at home ICI and IUIs are, in fact, IVFs and being told (by my dentist for goodness sake!) about the dangers of the injections and multiples, etc. i just smiled and nodded along.

sometimes it comes down to people talking about things they shouldn't be spewing about, huh? this process has definitely taught me to never say never. you are doing everything right for you. (and, we'll be interested to hear what the MD says is next.)

Anonymous said...

Hello there,
I just found you thru 'And Baby Makes Three.' Your post is so true! I was 'so above' using fertility drugs, after all, I had a daughter at the ripe old age of 23 after only 3 weeks ttc. I would NEVER have to take DRUGS to get pregnant, how gross!
Ha. 3 miscarriages and 10 years later, a different tune was sung. I became a sperm bank freqenting, clomid downing, temp taking, HCG injecting, progesterone suppository shoving, HSG test suffering, follicle counting, heparin shooting, baby aspirin swallowing infertility statistic.
My story had a happy ending, I now have a chubby little man, 10 years younger than my almost teenage daughter, and am considering doing it all again.
Best of luck, it really is worth all the agony. Even the dirty diapers:)

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, I could see us being one of those girls. Gasp! Can you imagine?
Seriously though, I bet it is so incredibly difficult and agonizing at times to not let others know you are all on the crazy TTC rollercoaster. I think keeping trying between you and Elizabeth is smart.
Btw....Yes, Macy LOVED camping :)