I didn't wait for her to sing

I had to go for my pregnancy test on Thursday. There are few things more frustrating than going for a blood draw when you already know it's going to be negative. I almost canceled but I knew that the information they got could be valuable for the next round. While I was waiting for the draw, the phlebotomist was talking about the show "I d1dn't kn0w I was pregnant". She said that if she ever walked into a doctor's office in pain, and the doctor said "surprise, you're pregnant" she would shoot herself. The two other women waiting to have blood drawn and I tried unconvincingly to laugh.

After the blood draw I went into work for a little while, and then had to go to a brunch that the head of my department was having for all of the team leaders. One of the men brought his 2 1/2 year old son. I did my best to act disinterested. Pretending I'm just not into kids has always been one of my best defenses. After the party, I stopped at home to let the dog out. There's nothing like a dog to cheer you up when your feeling down. By this time, the spotting had become bright red, so I really needed some puppy therapy. I took much longer than I should have getting back to work, but my immediate supervisor is very laid back about that sort of thing.

When I got into the office, there was a voicemail from Elizabeth. She sounded like she had been crying. "Check your yahoo account" was all she said. I checked it, and there was an e-mail from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line YAY!!!

My beta came back at 148 for day 14.

I can not even begin to tell you how much I was not expecting this. Enough that I called her back and told her that there must be some mistake- that the phlebotomist probably mixed the vials up. I argued that I was spotting, and that I had no symptoms whatsoever. She practically had to hit me over the head to get me to reluctantly accept her congratulations.

These last few days have really put me on edge. I kept waiting to start bleeding full flow. My heart was in my throat every time I went to the bathroom. By the end of the day on Thursday, the spotting had tapered off. The spotting could have died because my nurse put me on estrace. I'm still not sure if the estrace is just delaying the inevitable arrival of AF.

My second beta happened today. Elizabeth and I talked a lot about the possible outcomes of this beta. The total lack of symptoms combined with the fact that I was still spotting a bit had me convinced that todays test would show a drop in beta levels. We decided that one positive beta was the furthest we'd ever made it, and that alone was a victory. It was a sign that maybe there was still hope for me having a baby after all. Just before lunchtime, a different nurse called back with the beta results. There was no emotion in her voice. I tried to remember my promise to myself, to be happy that I had gotten just one positive beta. But the emotionless nurse said that my day 16 beta was 324.

So I suppose my previous post was a bit premature. It's not over till the fat lady sings. But I was so dead sure that I was going to get another negative. After 11 negatives, I was expecting to feel something dramatically different on a positive cycle. I don't want to get too excited too quickly. I know that two positive betas does not equal a baby. I know how quickly this can all slip away. I know that there are many of you who are still struggling and will read this and feel that punch in the gut. You'll wonder why the fuck it was me and not you. I've been there so many times. Half of me feels like this is not really happening and I'll have an early miscarriage at any moment. The other half feels unworthy and guilty that there are still so many people out there struggling- so many people that deserve this more than I do. I suppose all I can do at this point is take each day that AF stays away as a victory, and cheer the rest of you on until it's your turn.