One year ago

One year ago today I was sad. Crushed. My second IVF cycle, which had started on such a positive note, was in the process of failing. It started with a Thanksgiving day retrieval, and 26 eggs. 19 of the eggs successfully fertilized with ICSI. My clinic has a policy of not updating patients on the progress of their embryos, so that was the last I heard until my 6-day transfer. The doctor came into my little room, where I waited full of hope (and about a gallon of water) in my hospital gown. He handed me a picture of 2 average looking embryos. That was it. Just 2 to transfer, nothing to freeze. My heart sank.

Elizabeth and I talked about using her eggs, talked about throwing our hats into the adoption ring. We decided that the best thing to do would be to take a break from the TTC madness for a while. We decided to contact an animal rescue and get another dog in the hopes that it would give us something else to focus on. The day before my period was scheduled to come, I started spotting lightly. The next day, I had a beta scheduled. I wanted to skip it and sleep in. But I stuffed a handful of tampons in my purse and went for the test anyway. Maybe they'd discover something, like abnormal progesterone levels or something to explain why my cycle failed, just in case I decided to try again. Later in the day, I went to a Christmas brunch thrown by one of the higher-ups at work. She had invited people's families to come along too, and I tried my best not to get too emotional when a co-worker was there with his young son. I went to the bathroom, and was bleeding heavier than before, so I pretended that I had a lot to do at work and headed back to the office.

When I returned to work, there was a call from Elizabeth on my voicemail. "Check your email" as all she said. I checked it, and there was an email from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line "YAY!!". She said that my beta came back at 148. I could feel my face get hot and my fingers go numb. Everything around me seemed to be happening in slow motion, just like it does in the movies. Somehow I stumbled outside with my cell phone to call the nurse and confirm that she had really intended to send the email to me. I didn't believe that it was real, and I continued to doubt it until a second blood draw showed a very quick doubling time.

I'm not one of those people who thinks that everything happens for a reason. I know that the worst thing you can tell someone who is TTC is "it will happen when the time is right". Still, there are days when I look at my son and daughter and think to myself, if any of the other cycles had worked, I wouldn't have THESE children.

my little bookworm

Oh, how I love those big brown eyes!