It's been a wild weekend. On Friday, we had a Halloween costume party. Planning the party kept me busy during the time immediately after BFN #11, and it was a very pleasant distraction. As usual, I made too much food. I made the B@kerella cake pops in ghost shapes, which were a lot of work, everyone loved them. I also made cupcakes, and profiteroles with pumpkin mousse and homemade caramel sauce for dessert. All of the desserts went over well, but unfortunately nothing went as well as one of the appetizers. Since there were kids at the party, I wrapped hot dogs in strips of puff pastry so they looked like mummies. The adults went wild over them. I don't know why I even bothered putting an effort into the rest of the food. Where the hell did I find these friends?
mmm, spooky
Elizabeth and I both bought vintage 1950s dresses, and dressed up as "housewives having an affair with each other" for the party. We had a costume contest and gave everyone silly prizes from the dollar store. The grand prize winner got a snuggie. Even the dog got into it. Okay, maybe she was dragged into it. I'm not one who normally buys clothes for the dog, but since we were having a party, and it was on sale, I just had to do it.
Our turtle dog waiting for someone to give her a snack. I am officially one step away from becoming a crazy cat lady.
Waiting for party guests to arrive
This was the first year we have lived in a neighborhood with families and children, so it was our first year with trick-or-treaters. We had everything from the slightly bewildered 2 year old mermaid to the 13 year old zombie whose father kept a close, but not too embarrassingly close watch over his son. One little girl spent 5 minutes petting our dog before she remembered that she had come to our apartment for candy. She got two bags.
Maybe it was seeing all of those children that sent me spiraling downward. I want that so much. I want to make halloween costumes for my children and pretend I don't notice that they're sneaking an extra piece of candy before bedtime. But I've had to come to terms with the fact that there is a very good chance that I won't ever have that. I think I hit rock bottom this weekend, wondering why some women get this so easily, and why I failed IVF. Why don't I deserve to be a mother? I spent most of today crying. And then I got even more upset with myself for having such a pity party. How can I bitch and moan about my rotten luck, when it could be much worse. I could live in Kabul or have ebola or have had a miscarriage. I know I have no right to complain, but I'm still sad.
7 comments:
YUM, those cupcake pics made me drool.
And I think it's completely necessary to vent all this ttc madness. We're all here for you and on the same journey, albeit at different stages and with varying degrees of success...(sigh).
p.s. how cute is your dog??? omg.
Girl, pity parties are well deserved and understandable during ttc. Go ahead, have one, have two, go buy some chocolate, or a pair of shoes. Cry, yell, and scream. Yeah things could be worse but struggling with ttc is painful and awful. Take care of yourself. BTW- your cupcakes look awesome.
i don't think it's fair to say you have no reason to complain. we all have reasons! and, you have been living an insanely stressful existence for TOO long. things are completely unfair in the world of ttc and you have had your fair share of too much unfair.
you have every right (and i think it's good for you!) to be taking extra care of yourself, having all those feelings, letting them out (we are all here to listen) and giving your foot a good stomp every once in a while. also, i think chocolate and cocktails are a good idea.
one final comment, about your costumes. will you post a picture?! they sound quite brilliant!
take care. we're thinking of you here.
I have been reading you for a while, but haven't commented much. But I really wanted to today. Your post filled me with with aching and I understand what you are going through. I have been in a similar place in my life, as have so many of us on this painful IF journey.
You have every right to be sad and mourn. You don't have kids yet and you yearn for them. But YET is the operative word. If you want children in your family, you CAN have children. You may not get to pick how or when the arrive (just like you don't get to pick who they are) BUT when you DO have children in your little family, and you look into their face(s), you will know why your journey took the turns it did. because once a child is yours, you will know you were not meant to have any other. I PROMISE. I am not just saying it. I really mean it. And you need to believe it too.
I recently read on someone else's blog something that really resonated to me. Her advice? "Try to remember that sometimes heartbreak is a mere 30 days before a BFP." And its true.
I hope that your eggs are harvested at maturity on the next go around and that IVF #2 brings you little miracle #1.
Big hugs from here...
You have every right to feel however you feel at any given moment, whether it's pitiful or hopeful or angry or sad. It's true: you have been diligently going at this for a long time and it's time for your good news to come on already.
Also, if I'm remembering correctly, it's not that you "failed IVF;" it's that you were triggered too soon. Right? So now they know and can adjust accordingly for next time, which is going to be your time.
You sound like an amazing cook and fabulous host--your profiterole description made me drool on my keyboard a bit. Note to self: check out universities near where Gayby lives to see if there's a suitable department for my wife. :)
Thinking about you. xoxo
I am sorry that you are going though a (validated) rough patvh. I hope that things turn around soon for you. The whole pregnancy/fertiity is just plain screwed up. Hugs for you.
Btw, your dog looked ADORABLE!! I am not into dressing our dogs up wither, but sometimes I come across a dog halloween costume that I can't resist. Luckily for our dogs, they were excused from that this year.
Hey - Sorry I'm so late to comment. First, your dog as a frog gave me a tooth ache she's so sweet. Second, pity party away. After all you have been through, it's hard to believe you could feel otherwise all of the time. And, I assume like the rest of us, you started a ttc blog to vent about the crazy roller coaster ride ttc brings - joys, sorrows and all. xoxo
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