Sunday, April 26, 2009

You think I'd be used to this by now

My beta was supposed to be Monday morning, but I started spotting on Saturday night.  That brings me to a whopping 7 BFNs.  I thought that it wouldn't hurt as much this time, that I should be used to failing, but it was still so hard.  This was our first cycle with injectables, and our first cycle trying acupuncture.  I had so much more hope for this round because I felt like we were doing so much more to ensure it was a success.  
Now that I've failed, I feel guilty about all the money that was spent.  Our insurance doesn't cover us at the clinic, and a fully medicated / monitored cycle isn't cheap.  Elizabeth and I aren't rich by any stretch of the imagination-  she's still in grad school and doesn't even have a real salary yet.  My credit cards can't handle much more, and I hate driving us into debt.  But the absolute worst part of BFN #7 is that I was going to POAS today, Elizabeth's birthday.  I've spent the past two weeks imagining the look on her face when I handed her a positive pregnancy test, wrapped up like a birthday present.  
The very small silver lining I've been able to find in AF's early arrival is that I don't have to go in for the beta at the clinic.  I hate getting bad news from someone else.  So I'm going to try not to mope.  I'm going to have fun today and celebrate Elizabeth's birthday, even though I couldn't give her the present I really wanted to.  I'm going to eat a big bowl of ice cream, and maybe have a glass of wine.  Tomorrow, I'll dust myself off and figure out where to go from here.

6 comments:

waitingformavis said...

Double Damm. I'm so very sorry. I don't know why it is so hard for some of us.

Nic said...

I am so sorry

Melissa said...

I know those feelings well. Please remember that you are not a failure in this and you have done nothing wrong. Your turn will soon come. Big Hugs to you!

piecesofgray said...

I'm sorry to hear your news. Keep your chin up! It'll happen.

A said...

I'm so sorry. Good luck on your next cycle! Maybe the next try will be the one for both of us.

queerstork said...

Sigh. I'm sorry.
Some cycles are easier to bounce back from but I think they all hurt the same. Sorry you're having to endure another one and that your lovely birthday surprise didn't pan out. Enjoy the ice cream and definitely have some wine!