One year ago

One year ago today I was sad. Crushed. My second IVF cycle, which had started on such a positive note, was in the process of failing. It started with a Thanksgiving day retrieval, and 26 eggs. 19 of the eggs successfully fertilized with ICSI. My clinic has a policy of not updating patients on the progress of their embryos, so that was the last I heard until my 6-day transfer. The doctor came into my little room, where I waited full of hope (and about a gallon of water) in my hospital gown. He handed me a picture of 2 average looking embryos. That was it. Just 2 to transfer, nothing to freeze. My heart sank.

Elizabeth and I talked about using her eggs, talked about throwing our hats into the adoption ring. We decided that the best thing to do would be to take a break from the TTC madness for a while. We decided to contact an animal rescue and get another dog in the hopes that it would give us something else to focus on. The day before my period was scheduled to come, I started spotting lightly. The next day, I had a beta scheduled. I wanted to skip it and sleep in. But I stuffed a handful of tampons in my purse and went for the test anyway. Maybe they'd discover something, like abnormal progesterone levels or something to explain why my cycle failed, just in case I decided to try again. Later in the day, I went to a Christmas brunch thrown by one of the higher-ups at work. She had invited people's families to come along too, and I tried my best not to get too emotional when a co-worker was there with his young son. I went to the bathroom, and was bleeding heavier than before, so I pretended that I had a lot to do at work and headed back to the office.

When I returned to work, there was a call from Elizabeth on my voicemail. "Check your email" as all she said. I checked it, and there was an email from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line "YAY!!". She said that my beta came back at 148. I could feel my face get hot and my fingers go numb. Everything around me seemed to be happening in slow motion, just like it does in the movies. Somehow I stumbled outside with my cell phone to call the nurse and confirm that she had really intended to send the email to me. I didn't believe that it was real, and I continued to doubt it until a second blood draw showed a very quick doubling time.

I'm not one of those people who thinks that everything happens for a reason. I know that the worst thing you can tell someone who is TTC is "it will happen when the time is right". Still, there are days when I look at my son and daughter and think to myself, if any of the other cycles had worked, I wouldn't have THESE children.

my little bookworm

Oh, how I love those big brown eyes!

Somebody's got a case of the Mondays

Yeah, I know it's Tuesday, but every day feels like Monday all of a sudden. I returned to work last week, and it sucks. Bigtime.

I miss my babies. They're in daycare now. A daycare center came through for us at the last minute, and was able to take both babies for a price we could afford. We're paying just a few hundred dollars a month more than it would cost to send one baby to daycare. I'm pretty sure the only reason they were able to give us such a good deal is because they're desperate. There are TONS of daycare facilities near us, the vast majority are fancy shmancy new constructions. We're talking video monitors in every classroom, Raffi piped in on surround sound, playgrounds with rounded corners and that soft rubbery stuff on the ground as opposed to asphalt or wood chips. The place we're sending our babies? It's a bit worn, to put it nicely. There's no way they can compete with the shiny new facilities. At least the people who work there seem nice, and they seem to like the twins. And really, we had no choice.

Besides missing my babies terribly, the worst thing about being back at work is pumping here. I HATE HATE HATE pumping in the bathroom! It just grosses me out. It's a private bathroom with a lock, which is better than having to use one of the stalls but still. It's the only private bathroom in the building. You know what that means. It's the bathroom my co-workers use when they need to do their worst. There's nothing quite like preparing food for your children with the smell of a fresh dump (or even worse, a fresh dump and french vanilla air freshener) lingering in the air. My first day back, I just stood there and cried the whole time I pumped. The second day, I focused less on crying and more on making sure that absolutely nothing that touched the bottles touched any bathroom surface. Quite the challenge. I've heard rumors of places that give mothers a private non-bathroom place to pump, but for some reason, I don't think they really exist. My co-workers don't seem to see any problem with pumping in the bathroom, so maybe I'm just being a brat. I'd like to know what you think. So please, any working mothers out there, I'd love to know what your experience pumping at work has been like.

Still here

Wanna know a secret? Twins rock. Hanging out with these two babies is way more fun than blogging, hence my very long absence from blogland. I've had the joy of staying home with the babies for the past few weeks, while Elizabeth has been going to work. Since my maternity leave will be ending far too soon, I've been soaking up this time with my son and daughter. Being on the computer or watching TV feels like too much of a drain on my time with them. Occasionally when they're both sleeping, I'll try to go through my blogroll and catch up, but it rarely works. I'll comment on one or two blogs, and then get pulled away housework or the poor neglected dogs. Since Elizabeth is at work, the prime spot for procrastination and avoiding work, she keeps me filled in on everything. I've been cheering from the sidelines for anyone who has gotten pregnant, stayed pregnant, had babies, or just kept plugging along in the TTC game.

My babies are so friggin awesome. I swear, they're the easiest babies in the world. They have been pretty consistent for the past few weeks about eating every 4 hours. They aren't sleeping through the night yet, but are only up once. They're completely different people- our daughter (Butterbean) is the quieter of the two, a very content and focused baby. She's perfectly content to sit still and listen to a story. Our son is the active, smiley, flirty type and he talks CONSTANTLY. I swear, when we were eating lunch today he said "mayhem" very clearly. Elizabeth and I both heard it.

I'm just having so much fun with them. So here's a few pictures for anyone who might still be reading this blog. I'll probably start posting more when I return to work in a few weeks. :(

staring at the mobile above their crib

getting ready for the rainbow families halloween party

smiliest. boy. ever.

relaxing in her bumbo chair

An apt 100th post

It's amazing how time slips away from you when you've got two babies at home. It's also surprisingly hard to do a blog post one-handed when there's a baby curled up in the crook of your arm. This week has been both magical and challenging, and it still feels a bit surreal to look at these children and know that they're ours. So without further ado, a picture of the babies and their names. I don't plan to use their real nameson the blog as I don't want it to be googleable. But I know everyone wants to hear name choices, so they can ooh and aww, or question what kind of drugs the mother was on when she chose the name. The first names are just names that we liked, we wanted something a little different, but not too out there. Our son's middle name is after Elizabeth's father, our daughter's middle name is for my brother. This will be the only time I use the names on the blog.

This is when our son is about an hour old, and our daughter is about 15 minutes old. They've changed so much in the past week, I really don't think they look like this anymore.

PHOTO REMOVED

Thinking in her boppy.

One of the rare moments when our little guy is still.

Lucky Friday the 13th

At 38 weeks 6 days pregnant, I finally got contacted with a date for induction, to happen one full week later. I was miserable. One week seemed like an eternity. Still, Elizabeth and I did our best to enjoy what remained of our free time and made a lunch date with some friends for the next day. We checked out one final daycare, and ended the day with chocolate ice cream. At 4:30 in the morning, I got up to pee and felt a strange pressure on my pelvic bones. Yet the toilet paper showed no sign of a mucous plug, so I attributed it to sleeping funny. I went back to bed, and realized I was still peeing a little. Hmm....I'm not a bed wetter I thought to myself, I should stop this at once. Only I couldn't stop. The trickle grew stronger, and I shook Elizabeth awake. "I think my water just broke" I said as another small gush came out. Elizabeth turned on the lights and threw back the sheets. "Yup, it sure did" she said upon seeing the puddle I was lying in.

I can't ever remember feeling so giddy in my life. We raced around the house following our to-do list...change the sheets, feed the dogs, run the dishwasher. I couldn't stop giggling the whole time. The first few hours of labor were exactly as I'd always imagined- being awakened by my water breaking, and then a drive to the hospital when the streets are dark and empty. The rest of the delivery was completely unexpected.

Once I found out that I was having twins, I knew that many aspects of their delivery would be out of my control. A home birth was out. I knew they would likely arrive early, so I braced myself for spending time in the NICU. I knew they would most likely be born by c-section, with a room full of hospital staff.

I totally lucked out. Both babies were head down, and my OB was excited about letting me go vaginally. While it's policy in this and many other hospitals to deliver all twins in the operating room "just in case", our OB pulled some strings (okay she was downright stubborn and insistent) that we be allowed to stay in the LDR room for their birth. Rather than being surrounded by a team of 8 hospital staff, it was just Elizabeth, the OB and a nurse in the LDR room when the babies were born. Labor progressed slowly and steadily, and I allowed myself to experience painful contractions until I was 5cm. I had a low dose epidural, which my OB asked me to let wear off by 10cm. After an hour and a half of pushing, we had a son.

We waited for the contractions to do their thing and push the next baby down. The baby's heart rate got really wacky on the monitor, and the contractions slowed down. The OB asked my permission to start some pitocin to help bring the contractions back up since the baby seemed to be in a bit of distress. I was exhausted at this point, so I was happy to have any method of help possible. Just shy of 40 minutes after our son was born, we had a daughter. She surveyed the room, pouted, and then peed her disapproval.

One of each. We are over the moon thrilled and excited about these babies, born on an oh-so-lucky Friday the 13th. They could not be more different. Our little boy has dark hair, dark eyes, and is a skinny little thing. Our little girl, a blondie, looks bigger. We learned after having them weighed that her bigger appearance is just due to her chubby little cheeks. He weighed in at 6lb 1oz, and she was 5lb, 11oz. They were 20 inches & 18 and a quarter long, respectively. They're absolutely perfect and precious, and we will post pictures and names, provided we can figure out how to make them un-googleable, very soon!

GUSH!

The race is on, Poppy!

Meds giveaway!

I think we've held on to our extra F0llustim long enough. First, we were keeping it because we weren't sure if this pregnancy would stick. Then we held on a little longer because we toyed with the idea of having Elizabeth create and freeze some embryos for use a few years down the road. We've finally decided that we're not going to use it before it expires on 9/2011, so we have two 900 pens of f0llustim up for grabs. Please e-mail me (gaybyrabies at yahoo dot com) if you are interested. I can send both pens to one person, or split it up. I'll determine who gets it mostly on a first come, first served basis. However, since it costs a small fortune for me to overnight this stuff, priority will go to anyone on my blog roll. Of course, anyone who needs the meds is welcome to ask. My only conditions are that:

A) You are seeing a doctor, I don't want to be responsible for anyone self medicating with this stuff.

B) You don't sell it. I could really use the money too, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal.

The gender post

Sometimes, I'm struck by how little Elizabeth and I know about our babies. We've managed to get this far, through all of the extra ultrasounds that twins get, without learning the sex of the babies. I thought I'd have some kind of mother's intuition and get a strong feeling one way or the other, but so far, I can't say that I have an inkling about who is in there.

As happy as I am to be surprised on the day that they're born, there is a part of me that wishes I knew. Although I love and appreciate all of the clothes we've gotten from friends and family, I'm getting eager to buy things that are a bit more gender specific. There are only so many gender neutral things available at BRU, (which seems to be the only place people shop for showers) so we have so many duplicate items. The colors that have been deemed "neutral" are a bit boring after a while too. No bold greens or oranges, just a sea of orange and lime sherbet colored onesies. Lately when we've stopped at any store that sells baby items, we've been drawn to the clothing - particularly the really gender specific items, like impossibly tiny ladybug sundresses and cupcake onesies, or bulldog and dinosaur outfits. I have to admit, some of them are quite cute. But I can't bring myself to buy them without knowing who's in there.

Let me say that I have absolutely no preference of one sex over the other when it comes to these babies. I know that there are many families (same-sex and hetero, nobody on my blog roll of course) who view girls as the top prize, and baby boys as a distant second. It breaks my heart to see some people who are truly disappointed when they come back from their anatomy scan and must report that they are carrying a baby boy. I've always felt a bit defensive when it comes to baby boys. I think it comes from hearing stories about my crazy grandmother. My grandmother had three daughters, and no sons. She was thrilled when I was born, but when her second grandchild, my brother, was born a year later she refused to hold him for the first three months of his life simply because he was a boy. When my aunt, who had struggled with infertility for years was finally approved for adoption, my grandmother asked "what are you going to do if it's a boy?" And when I approached her, overflowing with joy to tell her that she was soon going to be a great-grandmother to twins, the first words out of her mouth were "I suppose they're both boys?" My jaw hit the floor. I was 12 weeks along at that point and had done my best to remain as detached as possible from these babies, mostly as a defense mechanism because I was so afraid of losing them. But in that moment, I suddenly felt so connected to my babies and protective of them. I had to convey to her that there was no way I would love a son any less than I would love a daughter. Even if I'm not quite sure how to teach him to pee standing up.

Nothin'

I have a question for all of you ladies out there who've already had babies. Did you have any sense in the day(s) before your babies were born that your time was coming? I'm a little over 37 weeks along here, and for far I've got nothing. I haven't felt a single contraction, not even a little Braxton Hicks. I haven't felt any of the signs of labor on the list stuck to my fridge. Truly, I am happy to keep these babies baking for as long as I can. Overall, my body has done really well with this pregnancy thing, and I'm still fairly comfortable. But I'm starting to get a bit impatient, wondering when these babies plan on arriving.

Phew!

At long last, I have started my maternity leave! I worked full time through week 36, which left me absolutely exhausted. At the end of the day, I had no energy left to comment on blogs, let alone post to my own. I do NOT recommend working that long if you're pregnant with twins. My last week on the job was particularly tough, because so many of my co-workers called out sick or took vacation time and I was left to pick up the slack. I also had to try to wrap up all of the loose ends relating to my job, and attempt to train people to cover for me while I am away. Not fun my friends, not fun at all.

I think the stress of that final week at work is part of what led me to have a high blood pressure reading at my OB checkup. Upon getting the high reading, the nurse instructed me to lay on my left side, and then she scurried off to get the doctor. So I did my best to lay on my left side on the uncomfortable, inclined exam table for about 15 minutes. I was freaking out. I was afraid I'd be sent off for a c-section that afternoon. There was no way my blood pressure was going to go down in 15 minutes. Sure enough, it was still elevated when the doctor came in, so I was sent off to the hospital for monitoring. Fortunately, my blood pressure went back to normal when I was at the hospital and all of my bloodwork came back normal. Dodged a major bullet there. You can bet I've been behaving myself after that. I've spent the past few days chilling on the couch watching TV with the dogs, drinking as much water as I can.

I still can't believe these babies will be here so soon. Looking at my ticker freaks me out. Even freakier? Looking at my blogroll and realizing that I'm the next to go!

working backward to first names

Like any good lesbian couple, Elizabeth and I have had a running list of potential baby names for years. We're lucky that we have similar taste- we both want something that's less common, but not completely out there. We want a name that's easy to pronounce and we're not into the very creative alternative spellings (definitely no little Jayssin or Emmuhleigh in our future).

After we had our first appointment at the fertility factory, we went home and made a big list of names on our computer that we would add to periodically. It seemed so easy! We'd hear interesting names all the time and add them to the list. The list got longer and longer. We were prepared for octuplets. But then I got pregnant, and the idea of naming a child was no longer an abstract thing that we'd do sometime in the future. Suddenly some of those names didn't seem quite right. They were perfect for some other child, but somehow they just didn't seem like the right fit for OUR children. Choosing a name became much more complicated. The kids will be stuck with this name for the rest of their lives, or at least until they turn 18 and can change it. We have plenty of names that we like, but very few that we really love. And what if we look at our babies for the first time, and they just don't fit any of the names we've chosen? Gotta remember to pack that baby name book in the hospital bag.

We had a boy name that we absolutely loved for close to 5 years now. We had the perfect middle name to go with it. When we first checked, it was down near 100 in terms of popularity. But then it started climbing on the list to hit #25, and I heard of several other people who used this name. We had to abandon the name because it was just becoming too popular for our liking. (Elizabeth hated having such a popular name growing up.) Now I brace myself every time someone I know, in real life or in blogland is about to have a baby. I don't want to find that another name we love is becoming too popular.

We've decided that we're keeping our name choices to ourselves until the babies are born. People are way too opinionated about names, and tend to forget that it's our right to name our babies whatever we choose. We've gotten a lot more flack on our decision to keep quiet on our name ideas than we have on keeping the sex of the babies a surprise. Is it that unusual to keep your name lists secret? How did you / do you plan to choose your baby's name? For those of you who already have children, did you feel absolutely certain about a name before you gave it to your baby or was it more of a last minute decision? This is way tougher than I thought it would be!

Last Names

One night not too long ago, I awoke in a panic. I had gotten a call from our lawyer earlier that day, letting me know that the court had "misplaced" my name change documents and we'd have to re-submit the paperwork. I've been meaning to change my last name for a long time, but with my due date drawing ever closer it's taken on a new sense of urgency.

I can't stand the thought of my babies having my father's last name, even if it turned out to be a temporary thing until we got paperwork straightened out. My father has been almost absent from my life, but pops up just enough to make things complicated. I was 5 when he got another woman pregnant with what turned out to be my half sister. My mother kicked him out of the house. He was supposed to see me and my brother on weekends, but would cancel frequently. Sometimes, he wouldn't even tell us he needed to cancel. My brother and I would wait like fools in the elementary school lobby for him to come pick us up, only to have the secretary shake her head and sigh and drive us home an hour later when he failed to show.

Over the years we saw him less and less. After I left for college at 18, the visits slowed to a pace of about one or two per year. Now I see him for a few hours a year sometime around my Christmas / New Years break at work. He spends most of those brief hours trying to make me feel guilty about how little I see him, even though he is the one who has always failed to return my calls and breaks plans at the last minute. It made me sad when I was a kid- I would get my hopes up that he would come through but wind up feeling rejected. As I got older, I recognized my father for the pathetic person he is. I stopped feeling like I needed a daddy, so his unreliability and disinterest in my life no longer hurts the way it did when I was in pigtails.

I was lucky, I have a wonderful mother and didn't need to rely on him. I think the one who was really hurt by his absence is my half sister Ella. Ella and her mother moved out of state when Ella was almost 4. When he did remember to pay child support for her it was next to nothing, even though he knew that her mother was financially and emotionally unstable. At 24, Ella is a culinary school dropout. She is unable to find work and has few adult life skills. This is mostly due to the fact that she had no role model to teach her how to be a responsible adult. She also suffers from depression, and has some of the worst luck of anyone I know. She has a tendency to drop off the face of the planet for weeks at a time. I found out yesterday from my brother that her most recent absence was due to illness. She had a severe staph infection which spread to her bones and cartilage and she's now wheelchair bound, living in a motel. My father knew of her condition, but did not once make time to visit her and didn't let anyone else in the family know she was sick. So for the past two days, I've been beyond angry with that man. There is no way he deserves to be honored as a grandfather, no way he deserves to have his name passed down.

My court date finally came through, and is set for next Friday. We always knew we wanted everyone in our family to have the same last name, and toyed with a lot of ideas before coming up with a solution that worked. We thought about hyphenating, but that would have meant a 6 syllable last name. Waaaay too much of a mouthful, especially since Elizabeth's last name is Polish and has more z's than vowels. We thought about combining part of her name with part of my name (i.e. banana + vanilla = banilla) but the results were laughable. We didn't want one of us to take the other's last name, because we were worried it would make one of us seem too dominant. In the end, we looked at as many different last names in our family trees as we could come up with, and decided on a favorite. So next Friday, we will both be using my grandfather's name as our last name. Hopefully the babies will stay put until then.

Working 9-5...okay, 8-5

First, I want to thank everyone for their thoughts / prayers / good wishes for my mother. She had lymph node surgery last week, and the lymph nodes came back clear which is a really really good thing.

Second, I need to apologize for being such a bad blogger / commenter. Things have been a bit crazy at work. I used to be able to sneak some time at work to update my blog and comment on others, but not so much anymore. Just when I needed things to be slowing down here, my workload picked up. One of my co-workers got transferred to a new location, and I got stuck picking up a huge amount of the slack.

While they are all very nice human beings outside of the workplace, my co-workers are oblivious to how difficult things are becoming for me. I work in an academic library, which I am discovering is a much more physical job than I originally thought. There's a lot of standing up, bending to pull a 15 pound journal from the bottom shelf, pushing fully loaded carts, climbing onto a step stool and stretching to get a 15 pound journal from the top shelf, going up and down the stairs because the elevator is broken yet again. You get the picture. It's not the most physical job in the world, but everything is much harder with a belly in the way. I've made my boss aware (on multiple occasions) that I need help with the more physical aspects of the job, but nothing comes of it.

I am trying to balance being careful not to overexert myself with my need to save time for maternity leave. I will only be paid and receive insurance coverage while using my accumulated sick days. I have 65 days saved up, so that should get me close to 3 months off. Ideally, I'd like to take the bulk of that time off after the babies are born, and not before. Honestly, I still have absolutely no idea what will happen work-wise after the babies are born, and it's beginning to stress me out. Currently Elizabeth has a postdoctoral fellowship, which pays fairly well but does not offer health benefits. My job does not pay well, but it does allow me to cover Elizabeth on my insurance. Our original plan was that I would quit my job after the babies were born, because Elizabeth would surely have a job by then. Unfortunately, the academic job market is terrible. Last year was the worst year for job seekers in Elizabeth's field in decades- this year there are 25% fewer jobs than last year. It's a very difficult situation for someone trying to break into the academic job market.

Since we can't count on a job coming through for Elizabeth this year, our first plan was that I would go back to work after my leave is up since I have insurance. Elizabeth would quit her job and be a SAHM because her job does not offer insurance. It doesn't make sense for both of us to go back to work and put 2 infants in daycare. I am humiliated to admit this, because the rest of you seem so well off, with great jobs and homes that you own, but the cost of putting 2 infants in daycare would take up nearly every penny of my paycheck.* It just doesn't make sense to work so hard at a job I don't like, just so that someone else can raise my children. If I earned a bit more, it would be different because I would actually have some income left over that could be used for savings or household expenses. It just doesn't make sense to have someone else raising our kids if one of us could stay home and our financial bottom line would be the same.

Now, Elizabeth is considering staying on at her fellowship for another year because it actually brings in more money than my full time job. We would have to purchase insurance which would put us in a very tight financial situation, but we could manage. Either way, it's going to be a tough decision to make. I'm still hoping that a full time job with benefits comes through for her, because a larger salary + health insurance included would make our financial situation so much easier.

One of the things that's breaking my heart the most about our current financial situation is that with only one small income, we'll have to stay in our current one bedroom apartment. Like so many others, when I dreamed about babies in my future, I fantasized about decorating the perfect nursery. My mother-in-law threw us a baby shower last week, and we received some heart meltingly sweet home made gifts. I want a special place to put all of these lovely things. I want to give my babies a place of their own. In this regard, I feel like I have already failed them. Rather than giving them a little room just for them, we'll try to make the best of our terrible floor plan apartment and find a way to squeeze swings in between file cabinets, to fit an extra dresser and changing table in the bedroom without putting the bed and co-sleeper near the drafty window, etc. In the meantime, I'm trying to stay hopeful that something will come through at the last minute so I can give my babies everything they deserve.

And now to try and catch up on the rest of blogland!

*Elizabeth and I do combine our earnings for shared expenses. If we put our kids in daycare, it won't be coming out of my income alone. It just makes it easier to visualize the impact daycare would have on our finances by realizing that one income would essentially be gone.

My mother just called...

...her biopsy came back positive. She has breast cancer. I am sad.

Some bullets, and a shotgun

It's been a busy few weeks in Gayby-land, so I'm resorting to the bullet post.

*A H0nda Acc0rd just won't cut it for 2 adults, 2 infants and 2 dogs so we spent lots of time test driving used cars. We ended up spending a little more than we wanted to because we were able to get a good deal on a Volvo XC70. It feels way too nice to be something I own! As far as station wagons go, it's pretty bad-ass.

*Work is getting busier, at the precise moment I need it to slow down a bit. One of my co-workers just got transferred to another branch, and I am left picking up the slack. I think I could write a whole post on job related stuff.

*We've had lots of appointments with our new lawyer, who is the greatest lawyer ever. He's the one who fought for civil union partners to both be named on the original birth certificate. So cool.

*We're in the process of changing our last names since we want everyone in the family to have the same last name. We didn't want us both to take one of the last names we currently have, because I was worried that it would make one of us seem more dominant than the other. I didn't want ignorant people to think that one of us was the "husband" because we had taken that name. We looked at all sorts of last names in our families going way back. In the end, we decided on my mother's maiden name.

*Elizabeth and I did a little day trip to Connecticut last week and had a shotgun wedding. We decided to get married last Monday, and had the "wedding" last Friday. Even a simple shotgun wedding resulted in a crazy week of planning. Still, we managed to find rings on our meager budged that didn't look like we'd found them next to the patchouli at a head shop, I got a cute summer dress at a maternity consignment shop, and we booked a JP. Our only "witness" was the JP's standard poodle...who is blind in one eye. Our "reception" was just the two of us going out for gelato afterwards.

*I had my 20 week ultrasound. I had been freaking out about it because my OB sent me to the hospital for the scan, since she thought she had noticed a difference in the fluid levels of the 2 babies. It turns out that there was no problem at all. Huge sigh of relief. I didn't peek at all during the between-the-legs shots, so I still do not know what I am having. I hope I can keep up the surprise.

*About 2 weeks ago, I finally started feeling movement that was definitely babies and not digestion. It makes me smile every time. I'm sure my co-workers walk by my desk and wonder why I've got such a silly grin on my face sometimes.

*I have my 22 week scan tomorrow!

The Other Purgatory

Elizabeth here.  First, I would like to say how much I appreciate all of your support throughout our extended and difficult TTC process.  While I don’t comment anywhere, know that I have been reading and cheering everyone on.  I don’t know if I will post regularly but I thought I’d give it a go for once.

Your dear Gayby and I have been navigating a couple of purgatories at once: TTC and my finding a job.  And while she is now gorgeously pregnant with twins, I am still trying to find a path out of my purgatory.  The very month we started TTC, September 2008, I made my formal entry into the academic job market.  As you can imagine, it’s about as pretty as the rest of the job market.  I know from reading your blogs that some of you are familiar with academia and its unique employment process that is clearly designed by people who, let’s face it, are not exactly natural born administrators, but for those of you who aren’t, here’s a rundown of the application process.

1)    Write a multi-page cover letter outlining everything that has ever made you seem smart and unique.  Include multi-page CV with everything you’ve ever done.  Include 3 letters of recommendation from the best scholars you know.  Include as requested the following: teaching portfolio, including syllabi, evaluations, and classroom philosophy; writing sample, ranging from 30-300 pages; research philosophy; transcripts from any institution you’ve ever attended.  Spend anywhere from $4-$25 to have this material sent via dossier service.

2)    Wait.

3)    Fill out affirmative action card, get hopes up that this means that they’ve at least noticed your file in the pile of 300 applications just like yours.

4)    Wait more.

5)    Jump every time the phone rings.

6)    Wait.

7)    Give up hope. 

Occasionally, you will get a phone interview, conference interview, or campus interview.  The campus interviews are about as nutty as they come.  Meet with as many people as can plan an hour of their day for this purpose, give a presentation of your finest scholarship, have dinner with a group of people who don’t always talk to one another, collapse.

For some people, it’s ridiculously easy.  They have a few dissertation chapters done and they get an offer at the first place they ever interview.  For others, it’s more difficult.  They do everything right in grad school: teach a lot of classes, present research, get published, finish everything on time, and spend years languishing on the job market, piecing together whatever other work they can find to get by.  Sound like any other processes we’re all familiar with?

It has nothing to do with worth or scholarly value.  It’s not a meritocracy.  It’s the quirkiest system to find employees ever designed, and it’s based on the whims of a committee often comprised of people with different ideas about what they want, and the result is often a compromise.  I know all of this, but it doesn’t mean I don’t question my merit with every rejection.  Sound familiar?

I happened to get a decent postdoc for the current academic year.  At the VERY LAST MINUTE (as in at the moment I got my last summer teaching paycheck).  The person who held the position previously got a permanent job elsewhere, and the director of the project knows me and offered it to me to fill the position quickly.  I was desperate, so was she.  I took it, and it’s a match made in purgatory.  She has a tendency to yell and belittle.  It’s not pleasant but not unbearable.  I shouldn’t complain.  At least I have something for the moment.  But we have 2 babies on the way, and I don’t get benefits in this position.  Gayby deserves to be able to quit her boring job and stay home with the babies while she figures out what she wants to do – she sacrificed figuring out what she wanted to support my academic fantasyland – and to do this I need to be carrying the benefits.  I owe this to her, and I desperately want to give it to her.  I’m applying beyond academia as well, but it’s pretty bleak out there.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if everything just came together at the exact right moment?  I’d like to be done with all purgatories once and for all.

I'd like to thank the academy...

I've been given the SugarDoll award by the lovely twin mama Elana

Here's how the award works- simply say 10 things about yourself, then give the award to 10 fellow bloggers. What a perfect workday distraction. Get ready to be fascinated, people!

1) I refuse to eat tomatoes if it's not summer. Winter tomatoes are not worth the effort it takes to chew them.

2) I could kill an entire sick day laying on the couch watching old episodes of Roseanne.

3) I can wiggle my little toe without moving my other toes

4) The babies made me buy a 12 pack of pickled onion monster munch last month. I had to go online to find it. It was on backorder. The babies got very impatient.

5) When I was in third grade, I got sent to the Principal's office for pulling bits of foam out of one of the seats on the school bus. In my defense, the seat was already torn up.

6) I've never seen a Star Wars movie all the way through, only caught bits and pieces here and there.

7) My first word was my dog's name.

8) I used to have a plant in my cubicle at work, but it disappeared. Who the heck steals a plant?

9) I've had the song "Take A Chance On Me" by ABBA stuck in my head for about two days. I'm sure that at least ONE person who reads this will have it stuck in their head for a little while now too.

10) I can't fall asleep unless I have my arm tucked under my head.

And now I'd like to award the following bloggers, chosen at random from the outstanding choices on my blogroll:

Adventures in Babymaking

Amy and Melissa's Baby Blog

And Baby Makes Three

Bao in the Oven

Eeney Meeney Miney Mommy

Figboiler

Half a Dozen of the Other

Make it so Number One

Mama and Mummy

Schroedinger's Womb

Single Mom Insanity

A Weighty Issue

Well, it finally happened.  I can no longer button a single pair or pants that I own.  I am sporting quite the belly these days my friends.  Unfortunately, it's not one of those adorable little "I'm smuggling a small to medium sized melon under my shirt" kind of bumps.   I'm at an annoying in between stage, and to most people I just look fat.  

Let me backtrack a bit here.  I need to come clean.  I didn't start this journey as a skinny little thing.  I'm only 5'2" wear a size 10.  Weight has been an issue all my life.  Even putting a physical description of myself up here makes me anxious and uncomfortable.  My mother used to stand over my shoulder disapprovingly when I made my school lunches and tell me how many calories were in the food I was preparing for myself.  My grandmother was famous for making the admonition, "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" on Thanksgiving.  So I became one of the many young women who played by the rules when others were watching, but binged when I was alone.  I have always been ashamed of my body.  The fact that it took me so long to get pregnant made me dislike my body even more.  I hate to sound shallow, but this in between stage my body is going through makes me very self conscious.  

All of the diet advice for expectant mothers of twins recommends eating a LOT of food.  About 3,500 calories worth, heavy on the protein and calcium.  I have essentially been given license to eat cheeseburgers and milkshakes every day if I want to.  You would think this would be a closet eater's dream come true, but it's been so much harder than I thought.  My appetite has been smaller than normal since I got pregnant.  Even breaking the big meals up into smaller meals doesn't help that much.  Every meal feels like I've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner.  I'm not complaining, just surprised that eating has been the most difficult thing I've experienced in this pregnancy so far.  

I have no hang ups about gaining a lot of weight to support this pregnancy.  Despite my baggage about weight, I know what I need to do and am happy to do it.  But when I go into restaurant or bring an enormous lunch to work when not everyone who sees me knows on sight that I'm pregnant brings a lot of these weight issues to the front of my mind.  It's very strange.

And on the baby front, I had my 18 week scan today.  That's at least halfway for twins.  Yikes, where did the time go?  For the most part, it went well.  The doctor came into the room to go over my ultrasound and told me that my cervix is measuring perfectly, the babies have great heartbeats, etc.  I could tell from the tone of her voice that there was a "but" coming.  The ultrasound revealed that one baby has less fluid than the other baby- maybe.  The doctor said that a more sophisticated ultrasound machine might show that there is no difference in the fluid levels.    A different ultrasound tech might see things differently.  The doctor said that there is nothing to worry about yet, that the situation just needs to be monitored.  My 20 week ultrasound will take place at the hospital where they have better equipment.  I am trying to trust my doctor.  I am trying not to panic.  That means no Dr.Google, because I know it will only raise my anxiety level.  Still, I can't pretend I'm not scared.  

Second Parent Adoption

My mother is making me nuts! I made the mistake of venting to her the other day about how unfair it is that Elizabeth will have to adopt her own children. I mentioned that there are lots of other things that we'd like to spend our money on besides lawyer fees.

This morning, I checked my e-mail and she's sent me a link to la.mbda legal. She's very proud of herself because she thinks she's found the answer to everything. Suddenly, she's the expert on gay adoption law. I've been referring to that organization's website for several years now, ever since we got serious about starting a family. Still, I politely thanked her, let her know it was a great site and that it helped us to find the lawyer we're going to go with.

Her next e-mail is what really got me. She told me not to hire a lawyer, and told me that she had my aunt and uncle looking into it. My aunt and uncle who did a traditional domestic adoption 26 years ago. She also has her lawyer friend's daughter who lives in my state looking into it. She has a whole team of people supposedly "looking into things" on my behalf. She sent me a link for the state court adoption information. Basically, she is suggesting that the lawyers are tricking me into thinking I need them, and that I can do this all on my own.

Right now I am feeling a bit humiliated. Humiliated that there are at least a dozen people who think I've gone into this baby making thing blindly and have no idea how to handle the second parent adoption. Humiliated that there are people who now think I am turning to mommy for help and am probably too irresponsible to handle a child of my own.

I understand that my mother means well. That's probably the only thing that's keeping me from completely blowing up right now. This is where I need the expertise of all of you out there who've been through this, or are going through it now. Did any of you do second parent adoption without a lawyer? Would any of you consider it? Everything I've ever read stresses the importance of using a lawyer for this. So before I tell my mother that going lawyer-free is not an option, I'd love to hear from the real experts on the matter.

Who's your daddy?

Elizabeth and I finally got a chance to tell my younger brother he's going to be an uncle over the weekend. It was nearly impossible to keep the rest of my family quiet for an entire week, but I really wanted to tell him in person. We had plans to meet for dinner, so we used the same format we used for our parents- order food, then break the news. His reaction was quite funny and sweet. First he completely froze, with only his eyes moving from me to Elizabeth and then back again. He was waiting for one of us to crack and admit we were joking. After what seemed like an eternity, he said "really?" and I nodded. Immediately, he motioned for the waiter and ordered two glassed of champagne. I showed him the ultrasound pictures, and he got a little quiet. He pretended to be looking at something in the distance out the window, but Elizabeth and I could both see he was tearing up. We pretended not to notice.

Like everyone else we're told, the first thing my brother asked was about who the father was. We explained that it was an anonymous donor from a sperm bank who our children would be allowed to meet when they turned 18. He asked question after question about the donor- how did we chose, what do we know about him, what is he like. To be honest I wasn't expecting everyone to have so many questions about the donor right away, and I'm not sure how to go about answering them.

I've always been very private about our donor choice on the blog. I've seen multiple instances where a blogger with a particularly cute child will have random bloggers ask for her donor number! That's just creepy if you ask me. I think that giving out too much info about your donor on a blog just opens a door and asks all of the crazies to come in.

But what about my family and friends? I'm finding myself hesitant to give them too much information on the donor too. Maybe it's just a residual hesitation, from all those months of keeping quiet on the blog. Maybe there's something more at play. I think that some of my hesitation comes from the fact that I know so little about the donor myself. Sure I have a baby picture and essay and medical history, but that's really not much. If I start printing out the donor profile for my friends, they'll know as much about the guy as I do. I have to admit, I think I'd feel a little strange if a random friend knew as much about the donor as our own child did. I've been feeling a need to protect that information, so it will belong to my children before it belongs to anyone else.

Is this unusual? How has everyone else handled questions about their donor?

P.S. on a completely unrelated note, has anyone else had problems with the Lilypie tickers in Blogger? I finally felt confident enough to make a ticker, but it keeps getting stuck.

Breathe...

For the past two weeks, I have been a bad blogger and a bad commenter. I was so nervous about the 12 week appointment and breaking the news to my family that I was instantly hit with writers block anytime I tried to think about anything baby related.

The ultrasound on Friday went very well. Though I'm glad they took my blood pressure afterwards, because I'm sure it would have been elevated due to nerves had they taken it before the ultrasound. Both babies were mellow through about half of the exam. Then the ultrasound tech announced that Baby A seemed to be waking up. Let me tell you, A was not at all happy about being woken up. It scratched it's little head in confusion, and then flipped around a few times trying to get comfortable again. Once again, Baby B had a much quicker heart rate- 178 bpm and A was a bit calmer at 160bpm. Everything looked perfect, and we confirmed that the babies are fraternal and not identical.
For the first time in 12 weeks, I feel like I can breathe. I know that there is no magic date you can cross off the calendar and be guaranteed that everything will be okay. Still, I'm taking a great deal of comfort in passing this milestone.

(another poor quality picture for your viewing pleasure!)

Immediately after the scan, Elizabeth and I packed up the dogs and drove up to Connecticut to break the news to our families. We tried to use some of the creative ideas suggested, but in the end nothing worked. (We couldn't find frames we thought they'd like, the dogs wouldn't sit still for a picture, etc.) We arranged to meet both sets of parents for lunch at a place of their choosing. Fortunately, they get along remarkably well and it didn't seem unusual that we'd be meeting them together for lunch. After everyone had ordered and there was a lull in the conversation, I confessed that we had a motive for bringing them all together, and just came out and said that I was pregnant. As predicted, they were all shocked. Our mothers got very teary and high pitched. My stepfather smiled and gave us a congratulations. Elizabeth's dad sat in stunned silence for a moment. Every time he looked like he was going to say something, he couldn't get the words out so he just smiled and shook his head. They asked a few questions, and then Elizabeth's mother asked if we had heard the heartbeat. No, I told her, we heard heartbeats. It took her a moment to realize what I was saying, but my mother got it right away. So did the waitress, who jumped right into the conversation and told us about her own twins.

Once we told our parents, the news spread faster than an STD on prom night. Our mothers had to call all of their siblings and friends. After keeping this such a closely guarded secret for so many months, it feels strange to have so many people know. There are still a few people who don't know because we're waiting to tell them in person, but for the most part our secret is out.

In other big news, we've finally come up with nicknames that we think will work. It was actually my stepfather who came up with them. Upon hearing about their wildly different heart rates, he said "It sounds like you've got an espresso and a decaf". So from now on Baby A with the slower heart rate will be known as Decaf. Baby B, the little overachiever with a fast heart rate who tried to make an identical twin for him / herself will be referred to as Espresso.

The Big Tell

We still haven't told anyone I'm pregnant. Unless you count the doctors of course, but I'm sure they would have figured that out on their own. We didn't tell a soul we were TTC, so nobody has been watching me carefully for weight gain or sudden food aversions. I'm 11 weeks along, and realize that we need to start telling people soon. It's only a matter of time before I start showing. After keeping this secret for so long, it's going to be strange finally tell.

I'm pretty sure that the parents have no idea. I was on the younger side when I realized I was gay- about 12 years old. It was the early 90's, and I didn't know of any gay people who had children. I decided that as a defense mechanism, I should just pretend that I was indifferent to children. That way, it would hurt less when I never had any of my own. As I grew older, I saw that some gay people did in fact have children, but they seemed very few and far between. Knowing that there was no guarantee I'd end up with someone who also wanted children, I kept up the act through college. My mother has started referring to herself as "grandma" when she talks about our dogs. I think I played the part so well that she's given up any hope that I'll ever have kids. I'm a bit worried that I kept up the act so well that my family sees me as someone with no maternal instincts- the kind of person they can't picture with a child.

Elizabeth and I are planning to drive up to Connecticut one week from today to tell our parents. We will have had our 12 week ultrasound that morning, so hopefully we'll have some good pictures and good news to share. We're lucky that they only live about 45 minutes from each other, and they get along incredibly well. It won't be a problem to get them all together and tell them at the same time. The problem is, we're not quite sure how we're going to break the news. Do we just come out and say "we have something to tell you" and then give them the news? Do we try something cute or creative? How did you break the news to your family? What about friends? Did you put much thought into the order you told people? Did anyone know you were trying? How far along were you when you told? I know, that's a lot of questions, but I'd love to hear from anyone who wants to share!

Hospital tour #2

We were officially released from the RE on the day of our 8 week ultrasound. Our OB told us that we wouldn't be having an ultrasound again until 12 weeks. I freaked out a bit about this. It was very easy to get used to weekly ultrasounds at the RE. I joked with Elizabeth that I should go to the emergency room and say that I had been bleeding in order to get another ultrasound. Of course, I would NEVER actually do that. I don't want to take up space in a busy ER. And I'm also a bit superstitious. It's like that rule that you never fake a funeral in order to get a day off work.

Well on Sunday I started bleeding. Bright red. Serves me right for even joking about lying to get another ultrasound. I called the OB to see what I should do, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound the next evening. I had barfing butterflies in my stomach all day long. When I hopped onto the table, the ultrasound screen was turned in such a way that I would not see it at all. But Elizabeth could see the screen, so I just watched her face. After a few seconds, her eyes welled with tears. She mouthed the words "they're moving!" to me. And indeed they were. After a few minutes, the tech flipped on a TV screen in front of me. Baby A had heart rate of 164bpm. Baby B (formerly known as C) had a heart rate of 176bpm and was wiggling away. I think B is going to be our wild child. The scan didn't reveal any bleeding near the placentas or anything else abnormal. The OB is convinced that it has something to do with the empty third sac. Apparently, it's common for women with an empty sac to experience bleeding.

Tonight, we had our tour of Medium Hospital. I was a bit nervous since the hospital has Saint in its name. Fortunately, it was nothing like I expected. Although it's a Catholic hospital, they have a kosher kitchen too, which I take to be sign that they are very inclusive. The nurse who led the tour was fabulous. She used the word "support person" instead of "husband". Elizabeth appreciated this so much that she thanked the nurse after the tour. Unlike the nurse at Small Hospital, the nurse at Medium Hospital actually smiled and made eye contact with Elizabeth. Medium Hospital also has one of the top NICUs in the state, something that's very important for me with a twin pregnancy. They encourage babies rooming-in, breast feeding, and immediate bonding between mother and baby. But the nurse also stressed that they respect the mother's wishes and don't make judgements. If the mother wants to bottle feed, nobody is going to push her. If the mother just wants to sleep and would like the baby to be in the nursery for a few hours, that's okay too. Overall, I just got a much better feeling about Medium Hospital. And it didn't hurt that the nurse pulled me aside and told me that since I'm having twins, I'm all but guaranteed a private room. Two tours down, one to go!

Jealousy, Jesus and Hand Sanitizer

It's only Thursday, and already it's been a long week. Yesterday was my first appointment with the OB. I'm happy with the practice we chose. The nurse who saw was spectacular. She needed no explanation of our relationship and seemed totally at ease working with a same-sex couple. She kept referring to us as "youse guys" - as in hey, if youse guys decide you want more kids, you should make her go next. She also decided that Elizabeth needed a job, and gave her a journal so she could write everything down at the appointments. The OB may or may not be on the team. Either way, we liked her. The exam itself was much shorter than I had expected. At my request, she tried to find a heartbeat/s with the doppler. She warned me that 9.5 weeks was a little on the early side, and I shouldn't worry if I couldn't hear anything. She was able to pick up a heartbeat sound, but not two distinct heartbeats. She told me not to worry, that it's still early. Why do doctors always tell you not to worry when they know that you absolutely will?

On Monday we did our first hospital tour. There are 3 possibilities in the area that I'll refer to as Small, Medium and Large. Monday night was our tour of Small Hospital. When we made the tour reservation, we were told to meet by the piano, and only my husband was allowed to come with me. Grrrr. As the wives and their husbands began gathering around the piano, it was clear that I was the least far along of anyone. ALL of the other women had big beautiful bellies, so I began to feel a bit out of place.

The nurse who led the tour made it seem as though the only things we need to get through pregnancy, delivery and childrearing are Jesus and hand sanitizer. Every time we passed one of the hand sanitizers on the wall, she used it and took the opportunity to remind us about germs. She didn't speak too much about the other amenities available at the hospital, c-section rates or anything like that. Just the hand sanitizer. As the tour was about to end, she told us that the most important thing it to find faith before we have children. And that she should know because she has 11 herself. Yes, she did say that it was her opinion and not the opinion of the hospital, but it still turned me off a little. I don't want to have to worry about some rogue nurse trying to convert me while I'm in labor.

I have also been dealing with a lot of jealousy and anxiety this week. It started when I had the 8 week ultrasound. I googled more pictures of 8 week ultrasounds, and all of the babies look bigger and better than mine. Then I started googling belly shots. It's amazing how big some of these women are at 10 weeks (I'm 10 weeks today). Most of them are only pregnant with one. I'm not showing at all, and I've supposedly got twins in there. It makes me worry that there is something wrong- that I've lost one or that they aren't growing properly. And it makes me jealous. I wonder if this is just the beginning of the jealousy some people feel as parents. Jealous that their cousin's baby crawled earlier. Jealous that the 4 year old down the street speaks two languages fluently and plays the violin. Jealous that their neighbor's teenager is polite. I am trying very hard to work on this jealousy, because I know it will be unhealthy for a child. But I still can' t shake the anxiety that there's something wrong. The days until my 12 week ultrasound are just going to drag by.

****

ETA - I don't want to come across as anti-religion.  I have very deep respect for all of the religious people in my life.  But I wasn't raised in any religion, and haven't become religious in my adult life.  I just don't want the hospital staff to judge me as an unfit parent for that.

To Doppler Or Not To Doppler

We finally have an appointment with an OB scheduled for the 19th. We picked the place we did because it is a large-ish sized practice with many doctors. I want to be sure that if I have any problems I'll be able to get an appointment quickly. Seeing so many different doctors at the fancy fertility clinic got me very used to the idea of dropping my pants for anyone with a speculum. I'm more concerned with being able to see someone than seeing the same person each time. Besides, it's still early enough that I can change my mind if I really hate this practice.

I think the fertility clinic has turned me into a very needy, coddled patient. I just found out that I will not be getting an ultrasound at my appointment on the 19th. That has me a bit freaked out. I am still sailing through this pregnancy almost entirely symptom free. Sure, I've been filling up quicker at meals, have a new found love of ketchup, some minor food aversions, and have fallen asleep on the couch a few times. But really, nothing major at all. You'd think I would be grateful, but it actually makes me nervous. It makes me worry that something is wrong- that one or both of the babies has stopped growing. I don't think I'll feel confident about this pregnancy until I am sending a healthy, well adjusted 18 year old off to college.

So my dears, this is where I need your advice. I am very much on the fence about getting a doppler. On the one hand, it could ease some of my fears. On the other hand, it could make me more obsessive. I'm not even sure how a doppler would work with twins, and if I'd be able to distinguish between 2 heartbeats, etc. How many of you out there use a doppler? If you do, is there a brand you recommend? For those of you who decided against the doppler, what are your reasons for not getting one?

Trading in the H0nda

"You're going to have to buy a mini van!"  Those were the doctor's last words to us as he left the exam room grinning after our very first ultrasound (5w2d).  Well folks, Friday's ultrasound (8w1d) revealed that we will not need a mini van after all.  It looks like we'll be trading in the H0nda Acc0rd for a station wagon.   

Baby B stopped developing between 5 and 6 weeks.  Baby A and Baby C on the other hand looked great.  Baby A had a heartrate of 176bpm, and C clocked in at 178bpm.  They are both measuring on target.  Two perfect little gummy bears.  Twins.

(sorry for the crap quality-  it's a photo of a small grainy printout, but you can see two!)

Elizabeth and I are absolutely elated to see these two doing so well.  And honestly, we're not devastated over the loss of B.  Any sadness we might feel is tempered by the knowledge that twins have fewer health risks than triplets.  I won't have more babies than arms...or breasts.  There's a chance I won't need a C-section.  I won't have to take out a loan to buy diapers.  Two babies seem downright manageable if you've gotten yourself prepared for 3.

Graduation Jitters

This Friday is my 8 week ultrasound at the clinic. It is also my last appointment there. Ever. As in, I will graduate to the OB after this appointment. The OB where real pregnant women go. The only problem is, I still feel like an impostor. It hasn't quite sunk into my thick skull yet that I might actually be...you know...that p word. I had heard from others who had long TTC journeys that it might take a while to sink in, but I wasn't expecting it to take this long. I mean, I've seen heartbeats for crying out loud, but I still don't quite believe it.

I don't feel ready for my final exam. I've gotten used to lots of appointments, and constant attention. Although it's not a label I enjoy, I've even gotten used to being a bitter infertile. I've spent the last year and a half of my life with these people. I have to admit, I'm going to miss them just a bit. Some of them. Did anyone out there do anything for their doctors / nurses upon graduating to the OB? I was thinking of getting something small for our nurse at the very least. She has been our primary contact person from day one, and has been so patient with all of our fretful phone calls and silly questions. If any of you bought gifts, what did you buy? I have no idea what is appropriate, or how much to spend. Maybe I'll bring some treats to be placed in the coffee area too. My only concern -and I know this might be a bit paranoid- is that the doctor won't see anything at my next appointment. I'd hate to show up to the clinic grinning and carrying a load of donuts only to leave sobbing. Maybe I'm being crazy. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I start with the initial high of a good appointment. As the days drag by until my next appointment, I become more and more anxious, worried that my next ultrasound will reveal bad news. This is far more difficult than any TWW.

So now I begin the task of trying to find an OB. I think I know which practice I'm going to chose, because their doctors have delivery privileges at the 3 hospitals closest to me. Hopefully I'll find someone I like there. It's as good a starting point as any, I suppose. I feel so unprepared to graduate into this big world!

Happy New Year!

Wow.  2010 already.  My 2009 was consumed almost entirely by TTC.  It was a trying year indeed.  But when I look back, I think the thing I'll remember most is not the heartache or roller coaster of so many BFNs, but the support from my wonderful, beautiful Elizabeth.

She has patiently and lovingly dealt with all my ups and downs this year-  some of them hormone induced, some of them pure frustration.  She remained optimistic, even when I was unable to do so.  She has oh-so-slyly swapped wine glasses with me so our friends and family wouldn't pick up on the fact that I wasn't drinking.  She has attended dozens of boring appointments.  When she saw that her mother was planning on serving sandwiches for lunch she pretended that she really wanted her sandwich grilled, so that I could have my sandwich grilled too without arousing suspicion.  (you know-the whole listeria thing).  She has showered me with raw milk cheese and other forbidden foods as a consolation after each BFN.  She has asked all of my pressing medical questions in Dr.Google, and filtered out the horror stories that would make me crazy.  She has worn her lucky penguin socks to every appointment since my retrieval.  Now that I've finally gotten a BFP, she has indulged my every craving.  When I saw ice cream on TV today and said it looked good, she had her coat on within seconds to run to the store to pick up a pint.  

So to all of you non-gestational moms out there, I hope you know how much you are appreciated.  Elizabeth, you are everything to me.  I don't know how I would have gotten through this last year without you.  I love you now more than ever.