Let me backtrack a bit here. I need to come clean. I didn't start this journey as a skinny little thing. I'm only 5'2" wear a size 10. Weight has been an issue all my life. Even putting a physical description of myself up here makes me anxious and uncomfortable. My mother used to stand over my shoulder disapprovingly when I made my school lunches and tell me how many calories were in the food I was preparing for myself. My grandmother was famous for making the admonition, "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" on Thanksgiving. So I became one of the many young women who played by the rules when others were watching, but binged when I was alone. I have always been ashamed of my body. The fact that it took me so long to get pregnant made me dislike my body even more. I hate to sound shallow, but this in between stage my body is going through makes me very self conscious.
All of the diet advice for expectant mothers of twins recommends eating a LOT of food. About 3,500 calories worth, heavy on the protein and calcium. I have essentially been given license to eat cheeseburgers and milkshakes every day if I want to. You would think this would be a closet eater's dream come true, but it's been so much harder than I thought. My appetite has been smaller than normal since I got pregnant. Even breaking the big meals up into smaller meals doesn't help that much. Every meal feels like I've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not complaining, just surprised that eating has been the most difficult thing I've experienced in this pregnancy so far.
I have no hang ups about gaining a lot of weight to support this pregnancy. Despite my baggage about weight, I know what I need to do and am happy to do it. But when I go into restaurant or bring an enormous lunch to work when not everyone who sees me knows on sight that I'm pregnant brings a lot of these weight issues to the front of my mind. It's very strange.
And on the baby front, I had my 18 week scan today. That's at least halfway for twins. Yikes, where did the time go? For the most part, it went well. The doctor came into the room to go over my ultrasound and told me that my cervix is measuring perfectly, the babies have great heartbeats, etc. I could tell from the tone of her voice that there was a "but" coming. The ultrasound revealed that one baby has less fluid than the other baby- maybe. The doctor said that a more sophisticated ultrasound machine might show that there is no difference in the fluid levels. A different ultrasound tech might see things differently. The doctor said that there is nothing to worry about yet, that the situation just needs to be monitored. My 20 week ultrasound will take place at the hospital where they have better equipment. I am trying to trust my doctor. I am trying not to panic. That means no Dr.Google, because I know it will only raise my anxiety level. Still, I can't pretend I'm not scared.