Friday, March 19, 2010

A Weighty Issue

Well, it finally happened.  I can no longer button a single pair or pants that I own.  I am sporting quite the belly these days my friends.  Unfortunately, it's not one of those adorable little "I'm smuggling a small to medium sized melon under my shirt" kind of bumps.   I'm at an annoying in between stage, and to most people I just look fat.  

Let me backtrack a bit here.  I need to come clean.  I didn't start this journey as a skinny little thing.  I'm only 5'2" wear a size 10.  Weight has been an issue all my life.  Even putting a physical description of myself up here makes me anxious and uncomfortable.  My mother used to stand over my shoulder disapprovingly when I made my school lunches and tell me how many calories were in the food I was preparing for myself.  My grandmother was famous for making the admonition, "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" on Thanksgiving.  So I became one of the many young women who played by the rules when others were watching, but binged when I was alone.  I have always been ashamed of my body.  The fact that it took me so long to get pregnant made me dislike my body even more.  I hate to sound shallow, but this in between stage my body is going through makes me very self conscious.  

All of the diet advice for expectant mothers of twins recommends eating a LOT of food.  About 3,500 calories worth, heavy on the protein and calcium.  I have essentially been given license to eat cheeseburgers and milkshakes every day if I want to.  You would think this would be a closet eater's dream come true, but it's been so much harder than I thought.  My appetite has been smaller than normal since I got pregnant.  Even breaking the big meals up into smaller meals doesn't help that much.  Every meal feels like I've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner.  I'm not complaining, just surprised that eating has been the most difficult thing I've experienced in this pregnancy so far.  

I have no hang ups about gaining a lot of weight to support this pregnancy.  Despite my baggage about weight, I know what I need to do and am happy to do it.  But when I go into restaurant or bring an enormous lunch to work when not everyone who sees me knows on sight that I'm pregnant brings a lot of these weight issues to the front of my mind.  It's very strange.

And on the baby front, I had my 18 week scan today.  That's at least halfway for twins.  Yikes, where did the time go?  For the most part, it went well.  The doctor came into the room to go over my ultrasound and told me that my cervix is measuring perfectly, the babies have great heartbeats, etc.  I could tell from the tone of her voice that there was a "but" coming.  The ultrasound revealed that one baby has less fluid than the other baby- maybe.  The doctor said that a more sophisticated ultrasound machine might show that there is no difference in the fluid levels.    A different ultrasound tech might see things differently.  The doctor said that there is nothing to worry about yet, that the situation just needs to be monitored.  My 20 week ultrasound will take place at the hospital where they have better equipment.  I am trying to trust my doctor.  I am trying not to panic.  That means no Dr.Google, because I know it will only raise my anxiety level.  Still, I can't pretend I'm not scared.  


giggleblue said...

i'm sending you well wishes regarding the fluid issues. i hope they find out that all is well.

and i can totally understand what you mean about the weight issues while pregnant. i'm 5'2" and my goal is to get into a size 10. pregnancy for me was a bit of a nightmare on the weight front. all i can say is try to pack as many health options into your diet as possible.

and for what it is worth, a lot of weight fell off of me after i had GP. i weigh less now than i did before i was pregnant.

jessie said...

Dr. Google is the devil - stay away! I really hope that it's nothing! I bet it is:) Congrats on the halfway mark!

Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you on the whole first part of this post. It amazes me sometimes how our paths are so similar in many aspects. It's been harder than I thought it would be.

DO NOT GOOGLE! The info out there is not even correct most of the time and there's no point worrying over bunk info. I know your worried but try not to let it eat you up. Trust your doc. I'll be thinking of you until your good news at the 20.

Melissa said...

I agree with everyone else. Say no to Google. Nothing good will come of it and all you'll do is stress out. So excited for you hitting the halfway point!!

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to be, but I'm sorry that you feel self-conscious about the the looks of others about your food. No google-ing and best of luck on the next scan!

Anonymous said...

I have also struggled with my weight my entire life, and have a mother prone to making nasty comments about it. It's a struggle to love your body for doing the amazing work of baby-building while you look in the mirror and hate what you see.

I think it's encouraging that the doctor doesn't seem too concerned about the fluid levels, if he was, you'd have been rushed into a whole series of tests right that minute.
Half way there already! It seems like just yesterday you were announcing your BFP!

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

Wow, halfway there already? I can't believe that we're hitting double digits this week. Sometimes it seems like it's moving slowly, but I look back and it's hard to believe how far we've come.

V's appetite is non-existent, too. She feels like she's force-feeding herself at every meal. Still, she has to keep snacks around b/c she feels bad if she goes too long w/o eating.

I'm an emotional eater (bad bad bad). Maybe forcing yourself to eat when you're not hungry for 9 months will translate to you not wanting to overdo it after the babies arrive? Either way, hang in there.

I agree that if the possible low fluid was a big concern, you'd already be having tests done. I'm sure it's fine. xo

justine said...

i do hope you've been able to stay away from dr google. i am sure everything will turn out fine. we've had one ultrasound on a "good" machine and one on an "old" machine and it was a night-and-day experience. also, there is so much they don't know when looking at these little creatures of ours. keep thinking positively and i am sure all will be well.

we are thinking of you here and adding to the good thoughts.

as for the weight, it is definitely intense to see your middle section grow to such proportions. once i started feeling overwhelmed by the orb, though, i have to say, he started kicking up such a storm and i could see my belly move and it made it, dare i say this and sound like one of those women, worth it.

glad you are writing again. sorry to be late to the commenting game.

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Ruby at Breathedragon said...

I wish we didn't have to worry about weight so much. I feel like TTC and pregnancy throw things out of whack even more - you're supposed to gain weight, you're supposed to eat full-fat products all of a sudden, you're supposed to eat eat eat - and then you're supposed to drop the weight within a "reasonable" amount of time or get freaked out all over again. I'm no expert, but I wouldn't stress out too much about packing all those calories in. I am hoping that when my time comes I will be able to make as many healthy choices as possible, but I know that our bodies (and baby!) dictate a lot of our choices - so we should probably just listen to them. I have to say it's been nice to be a little "off the hook" about dieting right now - and I really enjoy my daily full-fat milk blueberry smoothie! If you want to try it: milk, frozen blueberries, chocolate soy protein powder, and Pom pomegranate/blueberry juice (for an extra sweet treat I'll trade in the Pom for Concord grape juice) in the blender.

Best of luck with your 20-week scan and a worry-free second half of your pregnancy.

mama bea, bao in the oven said...

The weight thing is a hard one, for sure, and I'm sorry those issues and self-consciousness are rearing their heads right now. I know you know this, but the people you're around when you're eating a big meal are probably so deeply mired in their own stuff that they're not judging you. Even if they were, you'll never see the people at restaurants again, and your coworkers will know soon enough!
Sorry about the "but" at the dr's office. I hope the 20 week scan offers some more solid answers, and good news at that.