Monday, October 19, 2009

I need ice cream

You know that kid who can't seem to knock a single bowling pin down, even when there are bumpers in the gutters?

 Yeah, that's me.  

I've been hesitant to write this post, because nobody wants to be a Debbie Downer.  Everyone  in blogland has been so sweet, cheering me on.  I'm saddened and embarrassed to say that I've hit BFN #11.  Even when doctors take my eggs out of my body and dump 'em in a dish with sperm, then put the embryos back into my body , I can't seem to make a baby.  This was supposed to work.  I don't know what went wrong.  I made 18 eggs and the saline sonogram shows that my uterus is in great condition.  Sometimes, I worry that I keep getting negatives because I'm a bad person- that this is some kind of punishment because I forgot to give to NPR or something like that.  (I'm not religious, so I don't know who or what I think is doling out these punishments.)  

I was lucky enough to get a follow up appointment with my doctor for this week.  I hope she can shed some light onto why this happened.  Gonna go eat some ice cream now.

17 comments:

metalstork said...

i'm so very sorry about the bfn. it is such a roller coaster. you go on and eat all the ice cream and feel free to vent all you want. *hug*

journeytowardsourbaby said...

Shit. I am so sorry. I was wondering how you were doing and really really hoping this wasn't happening. I'm glad you're in to see the doc so quickly but in the meantime ice cream sounds like a great option. Argh I'm so mad - I really hoped this was it for at least one of us this cycle!

Lisa said...

My heart is completely broken for you. I wanted to ask so many times but knew we had to respect your decision to tell us on your time. I'm so incredibly sorry. I know all too well what it feels like to feel so embarrased and broken. I wish I could give you a hug right now. My hope is that your doctor can give you some direction on what to do next. Will your insurance pay for another IVF cycle?

Not to be that annoying ray of optimism but I just want to share a little story...I post with another woman on the glbt pregnancy boards. She was like us, a long time ttc'er. She had done it all... IUI's, injectables, and two rounds of IVF all without success and one IVF that was converted to an IUI cycle. She's now 16 weeks pregnant after a natural cycle. I tell you this just to say don't give up and that it is possible even after IUI's and IVF. Sometimes we think that IVF is our last option but it's not. Take care of yourself. I'm always rooting for you. xoxox Lisa

justine said...

oh, we are so sad over here. i am so so sorry for this loss. i was feeling like this had to be it and i just can't even imagine how disappointed and sad and everything else you must be. i am all about the ice cream and think you should definitely stick with it. and maybe some other nice things for you too. a beer? a bath? a massage. take good care of you. and vent and rant here all you want. we're listening.

-justine & boo

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

Shit. Well, I hope that the Dr has ideas for further options. I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work this time.

I think we put all our eggs in the ivf basket, so to speak, but it only works about 50% of the time, and sometimes you gotta give it a couple of shots. Hope insurance will pick up #2.

I hear on worrying about karma, or the universe, or whatever, having something to do w/ it. You should hear me when I'm in the depths of sadness and how I connect it to my mom's illness. On some level, I know it's insane, but still I can't help but wonder.

Enjoy your ice cream and whatever else you indulge in right now. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

rachelbk said...

Damn, I'm sorry. I hope that at least the ice cream is good.

Melissa said...

Huge hugs to you!! This whole process is so unfair. You eat as much ice cream and say anything you want to.

Keely said...

I am so sorry! But this is NOT the end of the road for you... you just have to decide (in consuktation with smart professionals) how you want to go forward. Oh, hug! I'm sorry.

thebao said...

I am so so bummed that this happened. This is SO unfair. Please know I'm thinking about you today, still cheering you on, and sending lots of virtual hugs your way. xoxo

Pufferfish said...

No....no. I'm so sorry. There are, unfortunately, too many of us here who understands what it's like to have a failed IVF cycle. It's devastating to think "this is the golden ticket" and then realize it may take a few tickets. Eat all the ice cream you want right now. This just blows.

Libberal said...

Shitbags, that sucks. I'm sorry GR. Don't at any point feel bad for feeling bad. Feel as shitty as you want and eat as much ice cream as you want, and don't hesitate to tell us all about it. My thoughts are with you today, and I am sending out amazing karma vibes for both Doc and insurance for next IVF.

projectkjetil said...

Oh. That knocked the wind out of me for a second. I'm sorry.

IVF holds such promise (especially when you're responding well), and you had every reason to be hopeful, this time AND next time. I don't think this BFN means there's anything wrong with you. I think it means that you fell in the unlucky 40-50% this time.

I'll be cheering my little heart out for you as you move forward. Now get to that ice cream!

Malea said...

"Sometimes, I worry that I keep getting negatives because I'm a bad person- that this is some kind of punishment because I forgot to give to NPR or something like that."

I completely understand. Everytime my IVF plans go kaploowee i hear my mother's voice telling me during that last big blowup i'll never have the family i want until i start living "right".Then i think it's all because i'm gay. If i wasn't maybe i'd have 18 like the Duggars.

Take a mental health day or days if you need it. *hugs*

Parasol said...

It's so agonizing to go through IVF, respond well, end with a basket of eggs, and have them result in only a couple of okay embryos that don't stick. That was my story too. It's hard to swallow when there's so much hope.

You're not being punished, it's random and there's no control. Beating yourself up further is not going to serve you for the better... be gentle and, dammit, enjoy all that ice cream. xos - queerstork

alimis said...

V and I are so very sad to hear this news! We were really rooting for you all. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. I think loads of ice cream is in order, along with many other sinful treats.
About the punishment...life is random and our bodies are even mysteries at time. It's just boils down to life can be cruel and unfair at times.
xoxox
Peony and Violet

poppycat.wordpress.com said...

Oh sweetheart. I just burst into tears again but this time because my heart is breaking for you. I can't stop shaking my head. I don't know why this happens to some of us but I have those same "it must be because I am a bad person" thoughts as well. I know you aren't bad, I know we aren't bad, but that doesn't make the pain any less. Oh sweet Gayby, are you anywhere near Seattle? Because I would love to get together and eat some icecream with you. I'm thinking of you and sending all my love. Feel free to email me off-blog anytime darling. xoxo

tbean said...

I'm so so sorry.

On Monday morning (before I got my beta) I told my wife that I had this insane idea that I wouldn't get pregnant until I donated to NPR. (It's pledge drive time.) So...we all think these crazy things.

I wish you didn't have to be in this awful place. And I'm sure hearing from me right now adds a bit of a sting. I want to say thank you so much for your congratulations on Monday. That must have been very hard to write so you are really brave.

Sending love.