Monday, October 12, 2009

3...or is it 2.5dp6dt

After the nurse told me that they got 18 eggs at my retrieval, I spent the rest of the day floating along on a fluffy little cloud of optimism.  The next day, I got the call that there were 6 eggs developing normally.  (I've been hesitant to put that number on my blog, because posting it makes it real, and it depresses me to know that 2/3 of my eggs were just no good)  Still, I tried to stay optimistic.  Fine, I won't be the next Michelle Duggar, but I can match the Bradys.  If they all stayed on track, 2 embryos for the upcoming transfer, plus 4 to freeze wouldn't be too bad.  The following week was torture for my impatient self.  Patients at my clinic are told in writing not to call and ask about the progress of their embryos.  I hated not knowing if my embryos were good quality, or if there were any embryos left at all.   
At my transfer on Saturday morning the doctor whizzed into my curtained off area, handed me a photo of 2 embryos and said, "that's all there is, we'll do the transfer in just a few minutes" and then he was off.  The transfer itself was uneventful. But the doctor left just as quickly as he came in, so I didn't get to ask about the quality of my embryos.  Given that I went from 18 eggs down to just 2 embryos, I'm concerned that the quality is not so hot.    
I realize that I am very lucky to have made it to the transfer stage of the game.  I know that not everyone gets there, and I should be a bit more grateful.  Try as I might, I can't fight the pessimism.  It doesn't help that I don't have any symptoms yet.  I'm driving myself crazy by googling 3dp6dt, where I find nothing but women talking about how they all had horrible cramps by now.  And I've been googling blastocyst pictures, comparing mine to the ideal specimens featured on IVF websites.  I'm convinced that mine look strange.  I'm going crazy.  
In order to prevent a google induced meltdown, I'm going to copy some of the other bloggers out there and beg for distractions.  If anyone out there has any questions they want to ask, feel free to ask away!


alimis said...

You have mentioned that you job is not your ideal job, so I am curious, what is your job and what would you rather be doing every day instead?

Good luck on this 2ww!!

Lisa said...

I'm sorry you didn't get the news you were hoping for or a doctor who was less of an ass. I putting positive vibes out there for you into the universe. In response to your question on my blog, yes Coach has diaper bags. I saw one in a catalog that was very diaper bag looking for $400 (yikes). At the outlet mall they had another one that looked like a tote with a changing pad inside and with the sale it came to $120. I think I just have visions of a cute purse but I need to be realistic. Anyway, not to add to your craziness but when do you pee on a stick? I'm truly rooting for you.

Lisa said...

Not very helpful but I always found this list humorous:

How to get through the tww:

1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice pavements and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.

2. Clean out your wardrobe to make room for the maternity stuff you’ll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven’t worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.

3. Start a journal. Write down everything you’re feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child’s baby book. If you can’t put your feelings into words, draw something; try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you’re feeling. Don’t get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.

4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.

5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child’s graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.

Lisa said...

6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone – they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you’ve ever addressed. Yes that’s right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It’s out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.

7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nail polish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you’re pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby’s sex. Don’t be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.

8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There’s nothing that a nice cup of tea won’t help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.

9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don’t wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.

10. Make lists. List all the people you will tell when you get pregnant, and in what order. List all the little jobs you need to get done instead of obsessing about this 2WW! List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.

11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow – but close the curtains.

12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup as an entree, followed by spinach lasagne, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don’t set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.

13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think, wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any “symptoms,” such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue… you will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.

14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.

metalstork said...

Distractions, distractions. Since Fall is here, you may consider some crockpot cooking. I am fascinated at what people do with these gizmos. Or you could put your focus into something intense but interesting like studying for the MCAT (for fun, of course, no stress!). Go to Micha.el's and buy a paint by number or model car and dig in while watching HGTV night after night. And last but not least, crossword puzzles and lots and lots of games of Rummy.

But onto questions: How did you meet your partner?

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

I think that both embryos are good and both will implant. Prepare yourselves for twins!

What did you both want to be when you grew up? How many siblings do you have?

tbean said...

I'm so glad you had two to transfer, although I don't think you need to feel bad for being disappointed with the fert. percentage. That really blows. But I hope it doesn't end up mattering at all cause you've got a baby (or two) on the way.

Malea said...

I don't know why you aren't excited. Two embies is more than some get and seriously that's all you really need right now. You can make more later:D

get some sleep now ,because your going to need it post baby.

thebao said...

It's okay if you feel a little pessimistic. Pessimism, optimism, neutrality--none of it makes a difference at this stage in the game. It's way easier said than done, I know, but try to stop consulting Dr. Google. Pretend you signed something in writing saying you wouldn't google the progress of your pregnancy!

Because I'm also partnered to someone who will eventually (fingers crossed) have a PhD, my question is about how the two of you see your careers relying on each other's. In other words, will y'all move wherever her career takes her? Are there places she won't even consider because you couldn't find a job or wouldn't want to live there?

Also, unrelated questions: what is your favorite food memory? What's your dream vacation?

m said...

oh I hate it when doctors don't take a second to realize the ramifications of their words and actions. I know they're busy and I realize I have the responsibility to speak up but it doesn't excuse behavior that is anything less than pleasant, informative and kind. I'd also vote for diplomatic, but you have to compromise somewhere ;)

Lisa said...

We are making caramel apples this weekend. If you are interested in the directions, I can post the link. Food is always a great distraction.

Libberal said...

Ooh, I like thebao's food memory question. I would also ask what are you favorite foods, and why. Simple, I know, but fun to answer and telling.

justine said...

i am so sorry to hear this news about your md experience and your eggies. but i am remaining very optimistic that those two little guys are making their way into your uterus- nice and deep, little guys!- as i type this.

you should feel free to be as crabby and pessimistic as you need to be, though. the rest of us will be hopeful and planning twins names for you.

my questions for you:
*what's on your to-do-before-40/ 50/ death (you name the deadline) list?
*if it were all expense paid, where would you go on vacation?
*what's your favorite: dinner, treat, splurge, standby dinner? included recipes will be happily accepted!
*what are you doing with your days/ nights now that you aren't allowed to use google?

looking forward to hearing all these nice things about you! take good care of yourself in the meantime. it's hard to remember in the thick of all this hectic stuff, but you are about to be a mama and need lots of extra tlc and rest. don't be shy! go take a nap!

journeytowardsourbaby said...

Oh yeah, it's so hard to have that initial buzz of loads of eggs, only to have them drop off at an alarming rate. I'm sorry you didn't get any to freeze either - it feels a bit like having no safety net to me. It's a lot to take in and deal with while trying to keep up the hope.

I know you know that google is bad, but I also know that it's so damn hard to avoid. I know I was a bit schocked at the state of the embryos in the photo we were shown at our aborted transfer, but they rallied so much in the next couple of days and by then I didn't care what they looked like, just that they got in there.

I really hope that your two are busy setting themselves up with a nice cosy nest in there. It is very easy to dwell on the negatives but one thing that helps me is telling myself that we are closer to the bfp than ever before. After all that we have been through, we have never before known that we had 2 embryos, fertilized and developing and in the exact place they need to be. It's amazing what can come from just that.

Sure they may not be perfect but you know what, other than ivf parents no one really knows how their embryos look at this stage. There are probably millions of happy, healthy babies out there that came from embyros just like yours.

Besides perfect doesn't come with any guarantees either.

At least, these are things I've been telling myself for the last week!

Anyway, I'm thinking positive and hoping for you even if you're finding it hard.!

journeytowardsourbaby said...

oh yeah.. questions.. lol I'm cheating and asking the same ones I asked Poppy:

1. Who is your favourite artist, and if you have one what is your favourite piece of art.

2. If you could see any musician in concert, alive or dead, who would it be?

poppycat said...

Oh Gayby, I know you were wishing for perfection. I was wishing that for you too but those two little embies are enough to make a perfect set of twins! I understand your disappointment but I know those embies are enough to get the job done.

Deep breath in... and out. Positive thoughts.

And now that you are knocked up, you should start pampering yourself. Pregnant ladies need lots of naps and special treats and foot massages and time lounging on the sofa and ice cream and... well, you get the picture.

Sending love and hope you way. xoxo

poppycat said...

Oh and questions...

- What are three things you always have in your kitchen Gayby?
- Describe your favorite pair of shoes and and tell us why you love them.

Lisa said...

Caramel apple site:

let me know how they turn out. Danielle is so freaken excited. She asked to make these instead of having a cake for her birthday which is tomorrow.

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

Thanks for your comment. Once the insurance lady mentioned Bx of NJ, I wondered if that was what slowed you guys down. I think that we'll be good to go starting 1/1, but we'll see!

Can't wait to hear your updates, btw!! :)