I've got mail!

Some of you were caught by surprise when you got your craft exchange presents in the mail. Not me. I was like a little kid waiting for my package with a mysterious return address to show up. The suspense of waiting to find out who got me was so exciting. I even printed out the list of participants, and as each craft was posted on a blog, I would cross the crafter's name off my list. I didn't get to far in my sleuthing, because the package arrived yesterday! And just like my pregnancy, this package was a twofer. The first item I unwrapped was this cute unbreakable, safe for the lower branches tree:

Next, there was the little box. A present within a present! Could this get any cooler?



And what was inside the box, you ask? Upon first glance, it looks like it's just a cute handpainted glass ball with snowmen.





Turn the ball over just a little, and you can see that the snowmen are actually fingers on an adorable little baby hand. so. friggin. cute.



Last of all, there was a card. I saved that for last because finding out who had sent the package was the most exciting part. I am such a cotton headed ninnymuggins that I forgot to get a card for my own craft, and had to jot a quick message on a paper that I stole from the photocopier as I ran to the post office on my lunch break.

So who is the awesome blogger who sent this marvelous, well thought out package? It was the lovely ladies at Build-A-Baby (or two) and their kiddos. I'm so happy that the craft exchange has led me to this new blog, and it's another blog with boy/girl twins to boot! Thanks Build-A-Baby family for the beautiful gifts. So sorry my crummy cell phone pics don't do them justice.

Five gooolden rings...and some birds

Playing catchup on this 12 days of Christmas thing...

Two turtle doves
It took me until I was about 10 years old to really figure out my mother's side of the family. Let's see if you can follow. My grandfather married E, and they had my mother and 2 aunts. They got divorced, and he married T, who had 2 boys from a previous marriage. T's ex-husband died when the boys were young. T died of cancer when I was almost 2, and a few years later my grandfather married B, who has 2 sons and 1 daughter. T's son's remained close to my grandfather, and grew close to his new wife because they really had no other family. So that makes 3 aunts, four uncles, plus their spouses and children who I'd see every year at Christmas. My grandfather also had a lot of family friends, some of whom I thought were actual relatives for a long time. He was the ultimate "love makes a family" kind of guy, and brought people in the way others bring in stray cats. His house was always bustling the week of Christmas, full of food, wine, children running everywhere. It was perfect. Christmas 2010 was the last time I saw my grandfather, he died in late January. This giant Brady Bunch family is all I've ever known. Because she was part of my life since I was 3, I have always considered B to be my grandmother, and not just a step-grandmother. But since the loss of my grandfather, my mother and her sisters have shown just how fragile some of these bonds can be. They suddenly have very little patience for their stepmother. Although we'll all be getting together this Christmas, it's uncertain if the tradition will live on. The people of my parent's generation seem to be leaning towards holidays with immediate family only. Fortunately, there is some glimmer of hope in my generation. This is the family we've always known, and we're not going to let it go easily.

Three French Hens
Elizabeth has been a student for nearly all of our time together. We met in college. She took a year off after graduation, and then started work on her PhD. This means that money has always been tight, but we've tried to do one vacation together a year. The vacations have come to a temporary halt though, as we spent all of our free funds on fertility treatment, and then a house. I miss being able to get away, but of course I would not trade what I have now for anything. I'm really looking forward to taking them places someday soon. Although I've never really liked theme parks, I can't wait for the day we can surprise them with a trip to Disney. Yeah, I've totally bought into those commercials.

Four calling birds
Oh Christmas cards! We are late late late getting our cards out this year. First, we thought it would be fun to take pictures picking out the tree. The kids thought it would be more fun to run around all of the trees. We got a lot of pictures of the back of heads. Then, we thought we'd try Santa at the mall. We actually got to the mall too early, and Santa wasn't there yet. There were no signs indicating when he'd be in, and the kids were starting to lose their patience so we left. As a last resort, we pulled two candy canes off the tree and plopped the kids down on the stairs and let them try candy for the first time. Here's one of the shots that made the cut.

Five golden rings
The kids have shown very little interest in stuffed animals. They have no favorite blankies or anything like that. Earlier this month, we went to a TJ Maxx to find some things to make our new house look a bit more festive. Bean pulled a stuffed (moose? reindeer?) off the shelf, and has suddenly become quite attached to it. Unfortunately, right next to "Made in China" the tag on his butt says "decoration only, THIS IS NOT A TOY" Not sure how to handle this one.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Where would I be without An Offering of Love? I certainly wouldn't have any crafty projects do do, or blog post topics! I've decided to jump on the 12 days of Christmas theme, which you can read about here. The first topic is Christmas / Solstice trees.

When we finally bought our first home in late August, one of the things I looked forward to most was putting up a Christmas tree. The tree was one of my favorite things about the holiday season when I was growing up. My brother and I would take turns sleeping on the couch in the living room just so we could be near the tree, with it's twinkling lights getting juuuust warm enough to make the room smell extra piney. The John Denver and the Muppets Christmas tape played very softly in the background. It felt magic.

Our ornaments were an eclectic assortment of things collected over the years. Many were given to us as gifts. Others were picked up as souvenirs on vacation. Some are storebought, others handmade. They all bring back memories. There's the little green alien in a flying saucer given to me by my BFF in high school back when we thought the X-Files was the greatest show on television. There are lots of cats, given to me after my brother got me a pet cat in high school, and everyone assumed I was a die-hard cat person. There is the lavender paper Christmas ball, a gift from my mother's hairdresser friend the year I came out. "Did you notice the color?" he asked with a smile and a wink. There is the glittery wreath that I worked so hard on in elementary school in an effort to impress the teacher I so admired.

Our first tree in our new home is decorated from about the waist up. It is surrounded by a superyard. Rather than presents, the area under our tree is frequently filled with blocks, shoes, remote controls, mail, and anything else the kiddos throw over the gate. The nice warm bulbs of my childhood have been replaced by the more responsible LED lights, which sadly don't emit enough heat to activate my spinning ornaments, the only item I inherited from my grandmother. There is still the mishmosh of ornaments, some from my love's childhood and some from my own. She was raised Catholic, so there are some angels represented in her collection. I didn't have a religious upbringing, so my ornaments include a large number of animals and snowmen. And then there are ornaments from the yearly vacations we took together. There are the ornaments we bought at a Christmas store the year we gave up our vacation to pay for fertility treatment after fertility treatment. There are baby's first Christmas ornaments. The ornaments are a record of who were, who we are, our lives together, and who loves us. And each night after dinner has been eaten, kids bathed and put to bed, and dishes washed, we put back the shoes, and the remote, and anything else that has been thrown under the tree. With nothing but the glow of Christmas lights illuminating the room, my love and I sink into the couch and get to relax and have adult conversation for the first time all day. We are able to enjoy the quiet, in our beautiful home, while our amazing children sleep upstairs. And it feels magic.

recovering infertile

It's hard to believe, 2 years ago today I was riding home with my feet on the dashboard (don't worry, I wasn't the one driving) after my IVF transfer. I was hopeful, but very guardedly so. Of the 26 eggs retrieved earlier that week, only 2 made it to transfer. It was my second attempt at IVF, after multiple failed IUIs and home insems. I remember trying to get myself to a place where I was okay with switching to my partner's eggs or body to help start our family. I remember thinking that I should start looking into adoption. I remember looking at the billboards for other fertility clinics along the highway, thinking that maybe one of them might offer a different protocol that could work for me.

Some days I just shake my head in disbelief that I ended up with not one, but two amazing children. I'm also surprised sometimes by how deeply my time as an infertile has impacted me. I find that I STILL make note of billboards for new fertility clinics. I still check the tp every time, and I've even caught myself breathing a sigh of relief when I don't see red. I wonder how long it's going to take before I get it through my thick skull that the IVF worked, and I can let go of the infertile mentality.

oops!

Umm, does anyone know how to delete comments made on Wordpress? For some reason, Wordpress keeps connecting to my facebook account and posting comments with my real name. Although I'm cool with most of the blogging community knowing who I am, I don't want to have my real name out there for anyone to stumble on. Help, I'm a total technology moron!

what? a post?

Did you forget that I had a blog? I nearly did! My life has been busy since my last post. My love finally got a (tenure track!) job and it's been going well so far. My kids turned 1 year old. We bought a house. It really feels like our lives are falling into place.

I tried writing on some of the topics that were going around for the blog carnival, but was only ever able to get about 1/2 a post drafted before the next topic came out. But everyone loves a good secret, right? I suppose it's not too late to share some parenting secrets, in bullet form since it's probably the only way I'll get anything out.

• My kids are really, really awful sleepers. We didn't do any sort of sleep training with them when they were young. We found out early on that they could be settled pretty quickly if they were brought into our bed. Since we lived in a 1 bedroom apartment for the first year of their lives, it was difficult to attempt any sort of sleep training since the kids could see and hear us when we were in bed. And we couldn't just shut the door to their room and let them cry it out, since they didn't have their own room. So we did what seemed easiest in the short term. We became accidental co-sleepers. At 15 months, the kids are still nursing to sleep every night. They have very little / no ability to self soothe. I have not had a good night sleep in ages. My love and I can not go out at night because I am the only one who can put the kids to bed. I love my kids, and co-sleeping is nice sometimes, but I would really, really love to go out at night and have some grown up time.
• You know how everyone says that if you're breastfeeding, you'll start leaking anytime you hear any baby cry, even some stranger's baby in the grocery store? That never happened to me. Not even when my own babies cried. In my postpartum-sleep-deprived-crazy- hormone state, I worried that this meant I was a bad mother or just not in tune to the needs of my kids.
• I feel guilty about my daycare. I don't think the kids are getting much stimulation there at all. It's set up so that all kids 6weeks-18months are in the same room. The toddlers in that room just seem restless. I am worried that I am doing a disservice to my kids and that they are not where they should be developmentally, but it's the only place I can afford. I'm not just talking $50 or $100 savings here. If we sent them to any other place, I'd literally have to get a second job just to send both kids to daycare.
• There are some times when I really wish my kids would watch TV. I've tried a few times to get them interested if I need to distract them for a few minutes, but so far have had no luck. Please kids? Just watch the little red monster with the funny voice for 10 minutes...please?
  

The end?

I have reached a critical juncture. My kids turn 1 year old in less than a month. I have 1 breastmilk storage bag left. I have no plan in place for calling it quits with the pump, or introducing cows milk. When I go to the store this weekend, I don't know if I should be buying organic whole milk, or more storage bags. Here are my jumbled, disorganized bullety thoughts on the matter. I would love to hear from all of you out there (especially the moms who work out of the home) to find out how you dealt with the one year mark and the expectation that your kids would start on cows milk!


*I am pretty sure my kids are not ready to stop nursing. The boob is my secret weapon. It never fails to calm them when they are fussy. They nurse to sleep every night. I don't usually tandem nurse, so I love having individual time with each baby when they're nursing. If I stop pumping during the day, I am worried that my production will drop too much to meet their needs.

*Part of me is really eager to be done with lugging the stupid pump everywhere. I am tired of dealing with cleaning all of the little bottles and pump parts. I am tired of needing to pump 28 oz a day so my kids will have enough for daycare. My production levels are such that it is not always easy for me to nurse them as much as they want and pump 28 oz. Sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure, and it would be nice to be done with that.


*I think the nursing sometimes hurts Elizabeth. She refers to herself as "toxic nighttime mommy" because when they wake up in the middle of the night they only want to nurse. They cry and twist and roll and struggle to escape her and get to the boob.

*I worry that it is "weird" to continue sending pumped milk to daycare once they've hit 1 year. If I will need to pump to keep up a supply to nurse when I am home, what do I do with all of that milk? Pump and dump? Donate?

*Sometimes I get really crazy, and think that I'd like to keep pumping to build a huge freezer stash for baby #3 which Elizabeth would carry. And so I could also nurse #3, so I don't also become "toxic nighttime mama". Problem is, we're at least 1 year off from even trying for #3. It's crazy to think about doing this, right?

EDITED TO ADD- I know I can only store milk in the freezer for 1 year max. I was thinking of trying to pump for my kids (or pump and dump, or donate) until we're at a point that I could freeze for #3. But I think I'd lose my mind if I had to pump that long.