Saturday, December 12, 2009

I didn't wait for her to sing

I had to go for my pregnancy test on Thursday. There are few things more frustrating than going for a blood draw when you already know it's going to be negative. I almost canceled but I knew that the information they got could be valuable for the next round. While I was waiting for the draw, the phlebotomist was talking about the show "I d1dn't kn0w I was pregnant". She said that if she ever walked into a doctor's office in pain, and the doctor said "surprise, you're pregnant" she would shoot herself. The two other women waiting to have blood drawn and I tried unconvincingly to laugh.

After the blood draw I went into work for a little while, and then had to go to a brunch that the head of my department was having for all of the team leaders. One of the men brought his 2 1/2 year old son. I did my best to act disinterested. Pretending I'm just not into kids has always been one of my best defenses. After the party, I stopped at home to let the dog out. There's nothing like a dog to cheer you up when your feeling down. By this time, the spotting had become bright red, so I really needed some puppy therapy. I took much longer than I should have getting back to work, but my immediate supervisor is very laid back about that sort of thing.

When I got into the office, there was a voicemail from Elizabeth. She sounded like she had been crying. "Check your yahoo account" was all she said. I checked it, and there was an e-mail from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line YAY!!!

My beta came back at 148 for day 14.

I can not even begin to tell you how much I was not expecting this. Enough that I called her back and told her that there must be some mistake- that the phlebotomist probably mixed the vials up. I argued that I was spotting, and that I had no symptoms whatsoever. She practically had to hit me over the head to get me to reluctantly accept her congratulations.

These last few days have really put me on edge. I kept waiting to start bleeding full flow. My heart was in my throat every time I went to the bathroom. By the end of the day on Thursday, the spotting had tapered off. The spotting could have died because my nurse put me on estrace. I'm still not sure if the estrace is just delaying the inevitable arrival of AF.

My second beta happened today. Elizabeth and I talked a lot about the possible outcomes of this beta. The total lack of symptoms combined with the fact that I was still spotting a bit had me convinced that todays test would show a drop in beta levels. We decided that one positive beta was the furthest we'd ever made it, and that alone was a victory. It was a sign that maybe there was still hope for me having a baby after all. Just before lunchtime, a different nurse called back with the beta results. There was no emotion in her voice. I tried to remember my promise to myself, to be happy that I had gotten just one positive beta. But the emotionless nurse said that my day 16 beta was 324.

So I suppose my previous post was a bit premature. It's not over till the fat lady sings. But I was so dead sure that I was going to get another negative. After 11 negatives, I was expecting to feel something dramatically different on a positive cycle. I don't want to get too excited too quickly. I know that two positive betas does not equal a baby. I know how quickly this can all slip away. I know that there are many of you who are still struggling and will read this and feel that punch in the gut. You'll wonder why the fuck it was me and not you. I've been there so many times. Half of me feels like this is not really happening and I'll have an early miscarriage at any moment. The other half feels unworthy and guilty that there are still so many people out there struggling- so many people that deserve this more than I do. I suppose all I can do at this point is take each day that AF stays away as a victory, and cheer the rest of you on until it's your turn.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

YAHOO!!!! C & cat were startled when I yelped half way through your post. we are so happy for you!!! I don't have the words. Congrats!!!

Jackie from Mavis on her phone

projectkjetil said...

I knew it! (At least sorta kinda.) The despair at juuuust the right time plus the few days of radio silence, and I had a feeling something was up. Like your... betas! Those are good solid numbers.

I totally get the reticence and the feelings of unworthiness. But it looks like you are very likely That One Word, and I for one am thrilled for you. Would be no matter what. You do deserve this, and I hope that everything continues to go well!

justine said...

we are jumping for joy over here. sorry that was the most traumatic few days in ttc history, but i am so so deeply happy that it's turning out so beautifully.

i hope you are basking in all your pregnant glow this weekend! we are thinking of you both here. and, are, really, just SO SO happy for you and elizabeth.

yay for happy endings!

thebao said...

You know, as weird as it sounds, I totally had a feeling that you were jumping the gun a bit with your last post.
In other words,
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Congratulations, lady! I can only imagine how hard it must be to take in, but girl, right now, you are pregnant, and you deserve to be pregnant, and I am over the moon for your pregnancy!
I understand the mixed feelings, for sure--the guilt, the sense that others deserve it more than you--but I do hope that you'll get to the place, and get there SOON, where you believe that this has actually happened and that you deserve it. Because it has, and you do.
YIPPEEE!!!!

Keely said...

HOORAY!!!!! This makes me sooo happy!!!
Congratulations!!!!

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

omg! i am just speechless i am so thrilled. beyond thrilled. omg!! holy sh!t, girl! congrats! :)

Growing up Clangley said...

What beautiful betas! now for the second longest couple of weeks til your scan...however, we've got some great baby ju ju going, so i have no doubts that everything will be perfect!!!

Libberal said...

How awesome are those great big numbers!!!!! Congratulations!!!!! I am totally thrilled to hear this great news and so excited for you and Elizabeth! Awesome!

Pufferfish said...

Holy F*cking Sh*T!!!!!! I said I hoped it was too early on your last post and I'm so glad it was. OMG!

Those betas are great!! Congrats!!

rachelbk said...

I am so thrilled for you! I get the reluctance to believe it just yet, but you are PREGNANT!!!! You proved that it is possible!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations!

poppycat.wordpress.com said...

I'm laughing and crying for you right now, both at the same time! Holy shit Gaby, YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!
The numbers are great and as hard as it is, try to let it sink in and enjoy it because it's gonna be 9 more months of this! So happy Gaby, so, so happy for you.

Malea said...

Those numbers aer impressive for only two days.Just ride the wave!

Persephone said...

Congratulations!

tui said...

Holy crap this is one awesome update! Woohoo I am so happy for you!! Wow, what a turn around you must be exhausted trying to get your head to keep up with all of this lol

This is so great, I've been checking in all the time hoping that you might get to post one of these stories and we're so, so happy to read it.

Melissa said...

So happy for you!! Congratulations.

Lisa said...

OMG, I couldn't even read the whole post at first because I scanned and saw BETA and a number next to it. YaAAAYYYYY! I'm so excited for you. Congratulations. I will say that disbelief about the bfp will last a few days but then it finally sinks in. What a freaken fantastic Christmas present.

Strawberry said...

And sing, she did NOT! Congratulations!!!!

tbean said...

That's awesome news. I had a very similar experience--spotting, being sure it was over, etc. It's just too freaky to learn that you really CANNOT tell if you are or aren't. And really, there is NO WAY to know without the test. I, like you, assumed I would feel different and would "know". Glad you got the shock of your life and that you garnered our sympathy last week under false pretenees!

halfadozen said...

OMG I am so freakin' happy right now! YOU DID IT!!! YOU ARE PREGNANT!
And no, its not like a punch in the gut-- its like tears of happiness welling up in my eyes, its like the joy of one of the people you have been cheering on, making it to the finish line. We are all a team, we root for each other and support each other. Sometimes one of us gets a goal (HOORAY!) and those of us on the side celebrate too. because even if its not our victory, it IS our victory.

I am thrilled, over the moon thrilled for you. I can't wait to spend the next 9 months following your journey. This next phase of your journey...

Giant conratulatory hugs from here...

luckylittle13 said...

HOLY F*UCKING SH*T! You're pregnant! Congratulations! I don't know why or how, but I totally knew.

That last paragraph is exactly how I have felt. It actually sunk me into a bit of a depression early on. Having spent nearly 10x as much time on the IF side as I have on the P side, I can say that every pregnancy for an IF-er is a victory even if it is sometimes hard to hear or read about. If no one ever made it to the other side, what hope would any of us have to ever be pregnant ourselves. I guess what I am trying to say is that as I would never wish infertility on anyone and would also never wish that newly pregnant guilt after IF on anyone. I suppose that was a really downerish way of saying you get to enjoy this. I'm so happy for you girls! Of course I'm dying to know what the halloween costume next year will be...

Baby Mama, Too said...

Totally Awesome! Congratulations! So happy for you! Now take a deep breath, relax and ENJOY!

anofferingoflove said...

I just saw your news...congratulations!!!!

metalstork said...

OMG!!!! I got all warm when I read this very climactic post. So very excited for this news!