sugar and spice, and clothing advice

Having fully entered the world of solid foods, it seems that we can never have enough bibs. We found a great deal on some bibs with waterproof backing at a baby store last week, and bought 1 "girl" pack and 1 "boy" pack (with the intention of letting either baby wear bibs from either pack). All 10 of the boy bibs boasted of the wearer's superb athleticism. The girl bibs were more of a mixed bag. Some cupcakes, some ladybugs, etc. But the bib that really got me was the one that said "Kisses, 25cents". Really? What's next, a onesie that says "I'll flash my tits for a 15 second spot on "girls g0ne wild"? I know that the bib company intended this to be cute, and maybe I'm making a big dea lout of nothing, but somehow I just can't bring myself to put this on either of my kids.

We're not trying to put our daughter in strictly gender neutral clothing. We try to mix it up as much as we can. As she gets older and finds her own style and sense of self, we want her to know that we'll love her in ballet slippers as much as we'll love her in combat boots. Though as the multi-pack of bibs proved, sometimes the "girly" options leave a lot to be desired. And it's harder and harder to find clothes that don't play into the gender stereotypes in sizes larger than 6m. Anyone out there have a great source for kids clothes?

Going halfsies

It just happened. I knew it would happen sooner or later. It was just a matter of when, and how. After months of no activity whatsoever on the bulletin boards, suddenly there is contact information for the other families who used our donor. And suddenly, my twins have 6 half siblings that we know about, all born within 2 months of each other. In my head, the meeting was all very romanticized- We all meet and bring the kids to Disneyworld, and they become like dear cousins to each other. The moms become BFFs and we all live happily ever after. The reality was much different.
There was a flurry of emails in the first few days, as we exchanged names and photos of our kids, and compared their personalities. But I'm left wondering what will happen once the initial curiosity wears off. What kind of relationship will my kids have with their half siblings?

My relationship with my own half-sister is a bit rocky. We lived about a half hour away from each other until I was 10 and she was 3. Then she and her mother packed up and moved halfway across the country. My asshole father did very little to keep her connected to the family, and only flew her out to visit about once a year (now it's about every 4 years). He never went to visit her. I wasn't allowed to make long distance calls, and she was too young to write letters back and forth, so we were not close growing up. As the internet became more widely available, we started communicating through e-mail. But she has a tendency to drop off the face of the earth for months at a time. It's not uncommon to go close to a year without hearing from her. She's a bit of a transient, so I'm never quite sure when or where she'll pop up. One month she's in North Carolina, then months later she'll call from Ohio. When she does re-appear, it's always the same. She wants money. She'll claim its because she doesn't have enough to pay car insurance, or rent, or she needs money to buy a bed because she's been sleeping on a recliner. And I will scramble to send her what little can, because she's my half-sister and I feel compelled to help. Some part of me knows she is irresponsible with money, and that I'm being taken advantage of. If she were just a friend, I would have cut her out of my life long ago. But because we have the same father, I feel a sense of obligation.

I wonder if this is what it will be like for my children. Will they feel a similar sense of obligation to their half siblings? Will they feel like their half siblings owe them anything? Will they desire a close relationship with these other children?
I've been feeling personal pressure on the issue, because I realize that at this young age, it's not really about the kids. It's about the moms. It's going to be OUR ability to communicate and connect with each other that will help shape the foundation of the halfsies relationships to each other. Two of the mothers found each other in a cryobank support group when they were trying to get pregnant. They chat regularly, they've exchanged multiple baby gifts, and they're planning to visit each other soon. I feel like a bit of a third wheel coming into the picture so much later. Suddenly all of my adolescent insecurities have re-emerged. What if the other moms don't like me? What if I blow it for my kids because I'm not as pretty or popular as the other moms?** Will my kids be shut out of a relationship with the half siblings if I don't make a connection with the moms? And in the end, how much of it really matters?
After years of resistance I finally caved and joined facebook, and have become facebook friends with the other moms. Will it ever amount to anything more than that? I suppose only time will tell.

**ETA - I'm not actually worried that they won't like me because I'm "not pretty or popular enough", but I do worry that this is an awkward way to meet people, and I don't want to make a bad first impression.

I'm baaaaack!

Just when you think I'm gone for good, that's when I pop up again. My only excuse is for the long absence is that I've been busy. There has been a crackdown on wasting time at work, so I have been left with little time to blog. Sure I've got a million ideas for posts in my head, but I've been a slacker about commenting so I don't feel right about posting. Nobody wants to be the girl who shows up at the party and only talks about herself.

Anywho...that busy life is exactly what I want to talk about. Now I understand what people mean when they say that there aren't enough hours in the day. Here's what my schedule looks like:

6am- out of bed and pump if I need more milk for daycare. Make lunch to bring to work, make and eat breakfast. Feed dogs. Get myself dressed and ready, get babies dressed fed (nursing and solids) and ready. Somewhere in there Elizabeth brings our poor neglected dogs out to pee and for a short walk.

7:45 out the door for work / daycare dropoff

8:30-5 work

5:15- daycare pickup

6ish, depending on traffic- arrive home- unload babies, breast pump, daycare bag from car. Shout at dogs as they try to jump all over you when you're hauling your stuff to the second floor apt. Feel bad. Pat dogs on the head and tell them they are good puppies, then bring them out to pee.

6:30- change diapers, nurse babies and give them more solids. Clean babies up and let them play while you get some food ready for the grownups.

7- 7:30ish- get babies ready for bed and put them down in their cribs. Cross fingers that the boy does not flip out when he realizes he is not being held. Get dinner on the table.

8:00- eat dinner, possibly with the boy in your arms because he refuses to be put down. Clean up dinner dishes.

9:00- shower, pump, do anything else that needs to be done like paying bills, making baby food, etc.

11ish- bed. enjoy about 1/2 hour of peace before the boy realizes you are in the room (we're in a 1 bedroom apt) and he's hungry. Nurse the boy back to sleep. Wish he could be as easy as his sister who sleeps through the night.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Weekends are reserved for the really fun stuff, like going to the laundromat. I have no idea how we'll fit everything in when they're older and have things like soccer practice. I hate feeling like I have no time for my kids, even when we are at home. Any of you wise bloggers out there have any tips on how YOU get it all done?

One year ago

One year ago today I was sad. Crushed. My second IVF cycle, which had started on such a positive note, was in the process of failing. It started with a Thanksgiving day retrieval, and 26 eggs. 19 of the eggs successfully fertilized with ICSI. My clinic has a policy of not updating patients on the progress of their embryos, so that was the last I heard until my 6-day transfer. The doctor came into my little room, where I waited full of hope (and about a gallon of water) in my hospital gown. He handed me a picture of 2 average looking embryos. That was it. Just 2 to transfer, nothing to freeze. My heart sank.

Elizabeth and I talked about using her eggs, talked about throwing our hats into the adoption ring. We decided that the best thing to do would be to take a break from the TTC madness for a while. We decided to contact an animal rescue and get another dog in the hopes that it would give us something else to focus on. The day before my period was scheduled to come, I started spotting lightly. The next day, I had a beta scheduled. I wanted to skip it and sleep in. But I stuffed a handful of tampons in my purse and went for the test anyway. Maybe they'd discover something, like abnormal progesterone levels or something to explain why my cycle failed, just in case I decided to try again. Later in the day, I went to a Christmas brunch thrown by one of the higher-ups at work. She had invited people's families to come along too, and I tried my best not to get too emotional when a co-worker was there with his young son. I went to the bathroom, and was bleeding heavier than before, so I pretended that I had a lot to do at work and headed back to the office.

When I returned to work, there was a call from Elizabeth on my voicemail. "Check your email" as all she said. I checked it, and there was an email from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line "YAY!!". She said that my beta came back at 148. I could feel my face get hot and my fingers go numb. Everything around me seemed to be happening in slow motion, just like it does in the movies. Somehow I stumbled outside with my cell phone to call the nurse and confirm that she had really intended to send the email to me. I didn't believe that it was real, and I continued to doubt it until a second blood draw showed a very quick doubling time.

I'm not one of those people who thinks that everything happens for a reason. I know that the worst thing you can tell someone who is TTC is "it will happen when the time is right". Still, there are days when I look at my son and daughter and think to myself, if any of the other cycles had worked, I wouldn't have THESE children.

my little bookworm

Oh, how I love those big brown eyes!

Somebody's got a case of the Mondays

Yeah, I know it's Tuesday, but every day feels like Monday all of a sudden. I returned to work last week, and it sucks. Bigtime.

I miss my babies. They're in daycare now. A daycare center came through for us at the last minute, and was able to take both babies for a price we could afford. We're paying just a few hundred dollars a month more than it would cost to send one baby to daycare. I'm pretty sure the only reason they were able to give us such a good deal is because they're desperate. There are TONS of daycare facilities near us, the vast majority are fancy shmancy new constructions. We're talking video monitors in every classroom, Raffi piped in on surround sound, playgrounds with rounded corners and that soft rubbery stuff on the ground as opposed to asphalt or wood chips. The place we're sending our babies? It's a bit worn, to put it nicely. There's no way they can compete with the shiny new facilities. At least the people who work there seem nice, and they seem to like the twins. And really, we had no choice.

Besides missing my babies terribly, the worst thing about being back at work is pumping here. I HATE HATE HATE pumping in the bathroom! It just grosses me out. It's a private bathroom with a lock, which is better than having to use one of the stalls but still. It's the only private bathroom in the building. You know what that means. It's the bathroom my co-workers use when they need to do their worst. There's nothing quite like preparing food for your children with the smell of a fresh dump (or even worse, a fresh dump and french vanilla air freshener) lingering in the air. My first day back, I just stood there and cried the whole time I pumped. The second day, I focused less on crying and more on making sure that absolutely nothing that touched the bottles touched any bathroom surface. Quite the challenge. I've heard rumors of places that give mothers a private non-bathroom place to pump, but for some reason, I don't think they really exist. My co-workers don't seem to see any problem with pumping in the bathroom, so maybe I'm just being a brat. I'd like to know what you think. So please, any working mothers out there, I'd love to know what your experience pumping at work has been like.

Still here

Wanna know a secret? Twins rock. Hanging out with these two babies is way more fun than blogging, hence my very long absence from blogland. I've had the joy of staying home with the babies for the past few weeks, while Elizabeth has been going to work. Since my maternity leave will be ending far too soon, I've been soaking up this time with my son and daughter. Being on the computer or watching TV feels like too much of a drain on my time with them. Occasionally when they're both sleeping, I'll try to go through my blogroll and catch up, but it rarely works. I'll comment on one or two blogs, and then get pulled away housework or the poor neglected dogs. Since Elizabeth is at work, the prime spot for procrastination and avoiding work, she keeps me filled in on everything. I've been cheering from the sidelines for anyone who has gotten pregnant, stayed pregnant, had babies, or just kept plugging along in the TTC game.

My babies are so friggin awesome. I swear, they're the easiest babies in the world. They have been pretty consistent for the past few weeks about eating every 4 hours. They aren't sleeping through the night yet, but are only up once. They're completely different people- our daughter (Butterbean) is the quieter of the two, a very content and focused baby. She's perfectly content to sit still and listen to a story. Our son is the active, smiley, flirty type and he talks CONSTANTLY. I swear, when we were eating lunch today he said "mayhem" very clearly. Elizabeth and I both heard it.

I'm just having so much fun with them. So here's a few pictures for anyone who might still be reading this blog. I'll probably start posting more when I return to work in a few weeks. :(

staring at the mobile above their crib

getting ready for the rainbow families halloween party

smiliest. boy. ever.

relaxing in her bumbo chair

An apt 100th post

It's amazing how time slips away from you when you've got two babies at home. It's also surprisingly hard to do a blog post one-handed when there's a baby curled up in the crook of your arm. This week has been both magical and challenging, and it still feels a bit surreal to look at these children and know that they're ours. So without further ado, a picture of the babies and their names. I don't plan to use their real nameson the blog as I don't want it to be googleable. But I know everyone wants to hear name choices, so they can ooh and aww, or question what kind of drugs the mother was on when she chose the name. The first names are just names that we liked, we wanted something a little different, but not too out there. Our son's middle name is after Elizabeth's father, our daughter's middle name is for my brother. This will be the only time I use the names on the blog.

This is when our son is about an hour old, and our daughter is about 15 minutes old. They've changed so much in the past week, I really don't think they look like this anymore.

PHOTO REMOVED

Thinking in her boppy.

One of the rare moments when our little guy is still.