I just sold my kids for a vacuum

I just sold my kids to buy a vacuum and pay some credit card bills.  Not my actual kids, mind you.  But my potential future kids.  I sold the 3 remaining vials of my retired, sold out donor that I had been clinging to since I got pregnant.  In the last few days that those vials were eligible for the 1/2 price buyback, I finally signed and sent the forms stating that I no longer wanted to hold them in storage. 

I always thought that I'd want to be pregnant more than once.  Seeing how sweet and loving my 2 1/2 year olds are with the babies in their life makes me long to give them a baby brother or sister of their own.  Every time I see a belly shot, or a grainy ultrasound picture on facebook, I want to have those moments for myself a second time.  But in reality, I know it's most likely not in the cards for us. What makes it hardest for me is that it's mostly a matter of finances.  We are able to cover all of our basic needs, but not much more than that.  Selling the sperm back now feels like admitting that our finances aren't going to get much better in the foreseeable future.  Or at least not in my fertile future.  Our need for the buyback money was stronger than our need to feel 100% sure about our "family goal being reached" as the buyback form puts it.  I'm feeling mostly okay with stopping at two kids, but it's a hasty decision, and feels rather unceremonious to be doing it now, just so that we can make the buyback window.  So if there is anyone out there who still reads this thing I'm wondering-  how did you know when you'd met your family goal?  Did your idea of how many kids you wanted change over time?

P.S.-  Check out the little column to the right.  You'll see that I posted quite a bit when I was trying to get pregnant, a respectable amount when I finally did get pregnant, and then hardly at all once I had kids.  This is only my second post of 2013!  I still read your blogs religiously but don't comment as much as I'd like. I am still trying to decide if I want to keep this one going...

For Caemon

There are times when the word "unfair" just doesn't cut it.  It feels like we should be able to wake up and find out that this was all a bad dream.  Or that we should be able to protest and have the outcome overturned.  There are just no words to express how my heart is breaking over the injustice the universe has thrown at such a beautiful family.  I feel so lucky to have been able to "know" Caemon and his moms through reading their blog over the years.  The anecdotes about a boy who was sensitive, wise and witty beyond his years never failed to brighten my day.  I can not look at a red stand mixer without thinking about him and smiling.  If I were the type of person who was good with words, I would write something eloquent and poignant here about seizing the moment, or hugging your kids.  I am not good with words, but it seems wrong not to pay some sort of tribute.  So I placed (and have refilled several times) a big bowl of chocolates with a crocodile sign at the front desk of the library where I work. I hope it can bring a little sweetness to the days of the people who pass through here, just as Caemon brought sweetness to all who knew him.