Gayby Rabies

I've got mail!

2011-12-20T11:49:00.005-05:00

Some of you were caught by surprise when you got your craft exchange presents in the mail. Not me. I was like a little kid waiting for my package with a mysterious return address to show up. The suspense of waiting to find out who got me was so exciting. I even printed out the list of participants, and as each craft was posted on a blog, I would cross the crafter's name off my list. I didn't get to far in my sleuthing, because the package arrived yesterday! And just like my pregnancy, this package was a twofer. The first item I unwrapped was this cute unbreakable, safe for the lower branches tree:

Next, there was the little box. A present within a present! Could this get any cooler?

And what was inside the box, you ask? Upon first glance, it looks like it's just a cute handpainted glass ball with snowmen.

Turn the ball over just a little, and you can see that the snowmen are actually fingers on an adorable little baby hand. so. friggin. cute.

Last of all, there was a card. I saved that for last because finding out who had sent the package was the most exciting part. I am such a cotton headed ninnymuggins that I forgot to get a card for my own craft, and had to jot a quick message on a paper that I stole from the photocopier as I ran to the post office on my lunch break.

So who is the awesome blogger who sent this marvelous, well thought out package? It was the lovely ladies at Build-A-Baby (or two) and their kiddos. I'm so happy that the craft exchange has led me to this new blog, and it's another blog with boy/girl twins to boot! Thanks Build-A-Baby family for the beautiful gifts. So sorry my crummy cell phone pics don't do them justice.

Five gooolden rings...and some birds

2011-12-19T14:04:00.004-05:00

Playing catchup on this 12 days of Christmas thing...

Two turtle doves
It took me until I was about 10 years old to really figure out my mother's side of the family. Let's see if you can follow. My grandfather married E, and they had my mother and 2 aunts. They got divorced, and he married T, who had 2 boys from a previous marriage. T's ex-husband died when the boys were young. T died of cancer when I was almost 2, and a few years later my grandfather married B, who has 2 sons and 1 daughter. T's son's remained close to my grandfather, and grew close to his new wife because they really had no other family. So that makes 3 aunts, four uncles, plus their spouses and children who I'd see every year at Christmas. My grandfather also had a lot of family friends, some of whom I thought were actual relatives for a long time. He was the ultimate "love makes a family" kind of guy, and brought people in the way others bring in stray cats. His house was always bustling the week of Christmas, full of food, wine, children running everywhere. It was perfect. Christmas 2010 was the last time I saw my grandfather, he died in late January. This giant Brady Bunch family is all I've ever known. Because she was part of my life since I was 3, I have always considered B to be my grandmother, and not just a step-grandmother. But since the loss of my grandfather, my mother and her sisters have shown just how fragile some of these bonds can be. They suddenly have very little patience for their stepmother. Although we'll all be getting together this Christmas, it's uncertain if the tradition will live on. The people of my parent's generation seem to be leaning towards holidays with immediate family only. Fortunately, there is some glimmer of hope in my generation. This is the family we've always known, and we're not going to let it go easily.

Three French Hens
Elizabeth has been a student for nearly all of our time together. We met in college. She took a year off after graduation, and then started work on her PhD. This means that money has always been tight, but we've tried to do one vacation together a year. The vacations have come to a temporary halt though, as we spent all of our free funds on fertility treatment, and then a house. I miss being able to get away, but of course I would not trade what I have now for anything. I'm really looking forward to taking them places someday soon. Although I've never really liked theme parks, I can't wait for the day we can surprise them with a trip to Disney. Yeah, I've totally bought into those commercials.

Four calling birds
Oh Christmas cards! We are late late late getting our cards out this year. First, we thought it would be fun to take pictures picking out the tree. The kids thought it would be more fun to run around all of the trees. We got a lot of pictures of the back of heads. Then, we thought we'd try Santa at the mall. We actually got to the mall too early, and Santa wasn't there yet. There were no signs indicating when he'd be in, and the kids were starting to lose their patience so we left. As a last resort, we pulled two candy canes off the tree and plopped the kids down on the stairs and let them try candy for the first time. Here's one of the shots that made the cut.

Five golden rings
The kids have shown very little interest in stuffed animals. They have no favorite blankies or anything like that. Earlier this month, we went to a TJ Maxx to find some things to make our new house look a bit more festive. Bean pulled a stuffed (moose? reindeer?) off the shelf, and has suddenly become quite attached to it. Unfortunately, right next to "Made in China" the tag on his butt says "decoration only, THIS IS NOT A TOY" Not sure how to handle this one.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

2011-12-14T22:32:00.002-05:00

Where would I be without An Offering of Love? I certainly wouldn't have any crafty projects do do, or blog post topics! I've decided to jump on the 12 days of Christmas theme, which you can read about here. The first topic is Christmas / Solstice trees.

When we finally bought our first home in late August, one of the things I looked forward to most was putting up a Christmas tree. The tree was one of my favorite things about the holiday season when I was growing up. My brother and I would take turns sleeping on the couch in the living room just so we could be near the tree, with it's twinkling lights getting juuuust warm enough to make the room smell extra piney. The John Denver and the Muppets Christmas tape played very softly in the background. It felt magic.

Our ornaments were an eclectic assortment of things collected over the years. Many were given to us as gifts. Others were picked up as souvenirs on vacation. Some are storebought, others handmade. They all bring back memories. There's the little green alien in a flying saucer given to me by my BFF in high school back when we thought the X-Files was the greatest show on television. There are lots of cats, given to me after my brother got me a pet cat in high school, and everyone assumed I was a die-hard cat person. There is the lavender paper Christmas ball, a gift from my mother's hairdresser friend the year I came out. "Did you notice the color?" he asked with a smile and a wink. There is the glittery wreath that I worked so hard on in elementary school in an effort to impress the teacher I so admired.

Our first tree in our new home is decorated from about the waist up. It is surrounded by a superyard. Rather than presents, the area under our tree is frequently filled with blocks, shoes, remote controls, mail, and anything else the kiddos throw over the gate. The nice warm bulbs of my childhood have been replaced by the more responsible LED lights, which sadly don't emit enough heat to activate my spinning ornaments, the only item I inherited from my grandmother. There is still the mishmosh of ornaments, some from my love's childhood and some from my own. She was raised Catholic, so there are some angels represented in her collection. I didn't have a religious upbringing, so my ornaments include a large number of animals and snowmen. And then there are ornaments from the yearly vacations we took together. There are the ornaments we bought at a Christmas store the year we gave up our vacation to pay for fertility treatment after fertility treatment. There are baby's first Christmas ornaments. The ornaments are a record of who were, who we are, our lives together, and who loves us. And each night after dinner has been eaten, kids bathed and put to bed, and dishes washed, we put back the shoes, and the remote, and anything else that has been thrown under the tree. With nothing but the glow of Christmas lights illuminating the room, my love and I sink into the couch and get to relax and have adult conversation for the first time all day. We are able to enjoy the quiet, in our beautiful home, while our amazing children sleep upstairs. And it feels magic.

recovering infertile

2011-12-02T22:21:00.003-05:00

It's hard to believe, 2 years ago today I was riding home with my feet on the dashboard (don't worry, I wasn't the one driving) after my IVF transfer. I was hopeful, but very guardedly so. Of the 26 eggs retrieved earlier that week, only 2 made it to transfer. It was my second attempt at IVF, after multiple failed IUIs and home insems. I remember trying to get myself to a place where I was okay with switching to my partner's eggs or body to help start our family. I remember thinking that I should start looking into adoption. I remember looking at the billboards for other fertility clinics along the highway, thinking that maybe one of them might offer a different protocol that could work for me.

Some days I just shake my head in disbelief that I ended up with not one, but two amazing children. I'm also surprised sometimes by how deeply my time as an infertile has impacted me. I find that I STILL make note of billboards for new fertility clinics. I still check the tp every time, and I've even caught myself breathing a sigh of relief when I don't see red. I wonder how long it's going to take before I get it through my thick skull that the IVF worked, and I can let go of the infertile mentality.

oops!

2011-12-02T11:16:00.002-05:00

Umm, does anyone know how to delete comments made on Wordpress? For some reason, Wordpress keeps connecting to my facebook account and posting comments with my real name. Although I'm cool with most of the blogging community knowing who I am, I don't want to have my real name out there for anyone to stumble on. Help, I'm a total technology moron!

what? a post?

2011-11-14T15:38:00.003-05:00

Did you forget that I had a blog? I nearly did! My life has been busy since my last post. My love finally got a (tenure track!) job and it's been going well so far. My kids turned 1 year old. We bought a house. It really feels like our lives are falling into place.

I tried writing on some of the topics that were going around for the blog carnival, but was only ever able to get about 1/2 a post drafted before the next topic came out. But everyone loves a good secret, right? I suppose it's not too late to share some parenting secrets, in bullet form since it's probably the only way I'll get anything out.

My kids are really, really awful sleepers. We didn't do any sort of sleep training with them when they were young. We found out early on that they could be settled pretty quickly if they were brought into our bed. Since we lived in a 1 bedroom apartment for the first year of their lives, it was difficult to attempt any sort of sleep training since the kids could see and hear us when we were in bed. And we couldn't just shut the door to their room and let them cry it out, since they didn't have their own room. So we did what seemed easiest in the short term. We became accidental co-sleepers. At 15 months, the kids are still nursing to sleep every night. They have very little / no ability to self soothe. I have not had a good night sleep in ages. My love and I can not go out at night because I am the only one who can put the kids to bed. I love my kids, and co-sleeping is nice sometimes, but I would really, really love to go out at night and have some grown up time.
You know how everyone says that if you're breastfeeding, you'll start leaking anytime you hear any baby cry, even some stranger's baby in the grocery store? That never happened to me. Not even when my own babies cried. In my postpartum-sleep-deprived-crazy- hormone state, I worried that this meant I was a bad mother or just not in tune to the needs of my kids.
I feel guilty about my daycare. I don't think the kids are getting much stimulation there at all. It's set up so that all kids 6weeks-18months are in the same room. The toddlers in that room just seem restless. I am worried that I am doing a disservice to my kids and that they are not where they should be developmentally, but it's the only place I can afford. I'm not just talking $50 or $100 savings here. If we sent them to any other place, I'd literally have to get a second job just to send both kids to daycare.
There are some times when I really wish my kids would watch TV. I've tried a few times to get them interested if I need to distract them for a few minutes, but so far have had no luck. Please kids? Just watch the little red monster with the funny voice for 10 minutes...please?

The end?

2011-08-02T15:06:00.002-04:00

I have reached a critical juncture. My kids turn 1 year old in less than a month. I have 1 breastmilk storage bag left. I have no plan in place for calling it quits with the pump, or introducing cows milk. When I go to the store this weekend, I don't know if I should be buying organic whole milk, or more storage bags. Here are my jumbled, disorganized bullety thoughts on the matter. I would love to hear from all of you out there (especially the moms who work out of the home) to find out how you dealt with the one year mark and the expectation that your kids would start on cows milk!

*I am pretty sure my kids are not ready to stop nursing. The boob is my secret weapon. It never fails to calm them when they are fussy. They nurse to sleep every night. I don't usually tandem nurse, so I love having individual time with each baby when they're nursing. If I stop pumping during the day, I am worried that my production will drop too much to meet their needs.

*Part of me is really eager to be done with lugging the stupid pump everywhere. I am tired of dealing with cleaning all of the little bottles and pump parts. I am tired of needing to pump 28 oz a day so my kids will have enough for daycare. My production levels are such that it is not always easy for me to nurse them as much as they want and pump 28 oz. Sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure, and it would be nice to be done with that.

*I think the nursing sometimes hurts Elizabeth. She refers to herself as "toxic nighttime mommy" because when they wake up in the middle of the night they only want to nurse. They cry and twist and roll and struggle to escape her and get to the boob.

*I worry that it is "weird" to continue sending pumped milk to daycare once they've hit 1 year. If I will need to pump to keep up a supply to nurse when I am home, what do I do with all of that milk? Pump and dump? Donate?

*Sometimes I get really crazy, and think that I'd like to keep pumping to build a huge freezer stash for baby #3 which Elizabeth would carry. And so I could also nurse #3, so I don't also become "toxic nighttime mama". Problem is, we're at least 1 year off from even trying for #3. It's crazy to think about doing this, right?

EDITED TO ADD- I know I can only store milk in the freezer for 1 year max. I was thinking of trying to pump for my kids (or pump and dump, or donate) until we're at a point that I could freeze for #3. But I think I'd lose my mind if I had to pump that long.

The Beginning...

2011-07-20T22:13:00.002-04:00

Baby latched perfectly the first time! Nursing like a champ! I can't tell you how many times I've heard stories like that. Which is why I felt like a total failure when I had such a hard time nursing in the beginning. Some recent nursing related posts on other blogs have inspired me to write about my own experience and let some of the moms-to-be out there know that it's not always that easy.

My kids had the unfortunate luck of being born late on a Friday night. The hospital where they were born does not have lactation consultants on duty on weekends. WTF?!? When I was checked into the postpartum room in the wee hours, a nurse asked if I planned to breastfeed, and I proudly said yes. I was expecting that would get me some help learning to breastfeed from someone at the hospital. Or at the very least, that it would get my kids a little sign in their bassinets proclaiming that they were breastfed and should not be given a bottle. No such luck.

The nurses who I asked for help all gave different information and advice. One told me to remove some layers of blankets and clothing from my sleepy baby to help her wake up enough to latch on. Another scolded me for not having her bundled, and wisked her away to be put under a warmer. When my boy refused to latch at all, the nurse just shrugged and said "boys are difficult". When my babies had been taken from my hospital room for yet another checkup, and I was being given yet another post-partum depression survey, the nurses fed them bottles of formula. Without asking me. Then they told me that if my babies lost 2oz by Sunday, that I would not be able to take them home. And they handed me some backpacks loaded with free samples of formula. I felt exhausted, ashamed and defeated. I felt like I had failed my kids by letting them have formula. Tail between my legs, I took the free samples of formula and did what I had to do to make sure they could go home with me the next day.

When I got home from the hospital, I had a bit more luck with my baby girl. She was happy to nurse, but based on my output with the pump, I was afraid she was not getting enough. Knowing that the pediatrician could order them back to the hospital if they didn't gain weight terrified me. So she got bottles of formula in addition to nursing. The boy still refused to nurse at all. Screamed bloody murder when he got near the boob. He got bottles of formula, mixed with the few measly teaspoons I was able to get using the pump. We scheduled an appointment with a lactation consultant, but she was not able to come until the babies were 5 days old. It felt like an absolute eternity. She was able to get the boy to latch for the first time. But it was through some crazy trickery involving a nipple shield, dripping formula down my breast, then removing the nipple shield. It was a 2 person job, and it only worked once. Eventually my milk supply kicked in and we only did formula bottles at night. But he still refused to nurse, and screamed until he was red in the face any time I tried. It was the worst rejection I had ever felt, even though I knew deep down that I shouldn't take it personally.

Maybe I liked to torture myself, maybe I was just optimistic that something would work out, but I continued to try to nurse my son every few days for the fist 6 weeks of his life. And then one day, it just happened. It was like things finally clicked for him. Just when I had started to come to peace with the idea that my son would be a bottle fed baby, he got it. When he started nursing, my pumping output increased, and we were finally able to ditch the formula. We like to joke that he is making up for lost time. He went from the boy who wouldn't nurse, to the boy who co-sleeps and nurses half the night.

Given our rocky start, I never imagined I'd make it to a year with breastfeeding. Now I'm just a few weeks away from that milestone. It has taken me a long time to feel comfortable writing a post like this. I still fear being judged as a failure by moms who didn't need to resort to formula. I still feel upset about being let down by the hospital, who provided no support. Nearly a year later, and I am still working through my issues and guilt over the beginning.

un-challenge wrap up

2011-07-06T14:13:00.002-04:00

better late than never! i actually finished the un-challenge. many thanks to the ladies at 1 in vermilion and offering of love for creating the un-challenge.

Day 24, our favorite thing to do without our kids....

Lunch dates! Sometimes we'll meet for a lunch break at work when the kids are at daycare. Yeah, I know I just said that I like eating dinner with my kids. Really, I do. But having twins is all consuming. It's so humanizing to have that hour to relax with each other and have some adult conversation without being interrupted. We used to get theater season tickets before we had kids, and that was always fun. We also used to go kayaking a lot in a nearby canal. It's a super easy place to paddle around, and dip your toes in the water or look for turtles. Hopefully we can bring them when they're a little bigger. (oh, shit, this is supposed to be about my favorite things to do without them, and now I'm bringing them along!) We get next to no time away from the kids since we live in a tiny open arrangement apt. with two big dogs and no yard. We have not been able to find a babysitter willing to deal with that setup, so lunch breaks are our only chance to have time away from the kids. We really need to move!

Day 25 – What did you want to be when you grew up? Why and/or how did that change over time?

The first thing I remember wanting to do is make greeting cards. I was in second grade, and one of my classmates got sick or needed his tonsils out or something. The point it that he was going to be UNABLE TO GO TRICK OR TREATING that year. Our teacher had everyone in the class make get well cards for him. The teacher liked mine, and the kids mother loved it and told me for years afterward how much she loved it anytime she saw me at a school function. Then I wanted to be a marine biologist, because I thought it meant I got to play with seals and dolphins all day. Once I hit high school, I realized that I had no idea what I wanted to do when I grew up. I still don't have a clue.

Day 26 – What is/are the best piece(s) of parenting advice you’ve gotten or can give others?

Best advice I got for the early days, with the onslaught of visitors was from my aunt. She told me that nobody cared what state the house was in, all they cared about was seeing the babies. It's true. I didn't need to make myself crazy with cleaning. I could have met people in a barn and they wouldn't have noticed.

The best advice I can give (at least something I hadn't heard before) ...put dates on your pictures right away. You might think now that you'll remember that a particular photo was taken at 10 weeks and not 7 weeks, but you probably won't.

And for twin parents, "what is a toy for one baby is a weapon for twins."

Day 27 – Which movies or tv shows do you think are the most accurate portrayals of parenthood?

I love Roseanne. I think this is probably one of the most realistic portrayals of an American family ever. I was so grateful for the Roseanne marathons when I was sitting around at home on maternity leave, just waiting to go into labor.

Day 28 – What size family do you come from, what size family do you want, and why?

I grew up with a brother, who is a year younger than I am. We have a half sister, thanks to my cheating father. She's 6 years younger than I am, and moved halfway across the country when she was 3. Due to my parents marriages and divorces, I have 4 ex stepbrothers, one ex stepsister, 1 current stepbrother and 3 current stepsisters.
As far as my household goes, I can see one or 2 more kids. Elizabeth and I always imagined that we would each get a turn being pregnant. I never imagined I'd have twins. I used to think we'd just have 2 kids, but now I am preparing myself for 4 in case she has twins too!

Day 29 – What do you think about giving kids an allowance, and what chores do you or would you expect your child(ren) to help out with?

I really want them to learn to be responsible with money. I don't want to be an ATM. I want them to learn to save for things they want to buy. But I don't want them to learn to associate everyday chores with money either. It drives me nuts that my younger cousins would ask "how much will you pay me?" when asked to do even the most basic chores. I think I'd like them to be responsible for maintaining their own space, but also helping with family things, like preparing dinner, setting the table, feeding dogs, etc.

Day 30 – What is/are the most memorable questions or reactions you’ve gotten in regards to being a two-mom family?

A surprising number of people implied that we probably don't get to know anything about the father. As if we were just given some random sperm. They're totally surprised when we tell them that we know his physical characteristics, as well as some of his likes and dislikes. I guess most people just have no idea how sperm banks work. Usually I tell them that it's kind of like online dating, and they seem to get it.

mustard!

2011-06-24T10:57:00.003-04:00

Whenever we got behind on our lesson plans in elementary school, the teacher would have catch-up day or "ketchup day". The kids would get silly and declare it mustard day, then relish day. Oddly enough, nobody ever called it sauerkraut day. Go figure. Anyhoo, here's the past few days of my un-challenge. Because I'm stubborn that way.

Day 10 – Share your favorite recipe (or two)

Thanksgiving Soup:

Servings: depends on how much you make, and how big you want the portions
Total time: 5 months

I made this soup up one year, and now I have to bring it every Thanksgiving. I do not use recipes, so it is a bit different each year. The family doesn't seem to notice or care, just as long as there is some version of this soup. When I did the Thanksgiving day retrieval that resulted in my twins, I had to run home to pick up this soup before heading out to see my family.

Anyway, here's the soup method:

In July, cook off some Jersey corn. When corn is cooled, remove from the cob and freeze in a vacuum sealed bag. Keep it there until November. On the 4th Thursday in November, cook some coarsely chopped bacon in a big stockpot. Remove bacon to a plate with a paper towel. Drain the fat but leave the bacon-ey goodness that is stuck to the bottom of the pot. Add some olive oil and leeks, onions, garlic, thyme, rosemary, carrots and celery. While this is all cooking down, roast some butternut squash with salt and pepper. Don't skip this part, because it makes the soup so much richer and more flavorful. Once the squash is roasted, add it to the pot with the leeks. Then add most of the frozen corn and a chipotle in adobo or two. Throw in some chicken stock and let it cook a little while. Puree. Add cream to taste. Remember that it is Thanksgiving and the meal is supposed to be super indulgent, so don't skimp on the cream. It will taste good. Garnish with the bacon and reserved corn.

Day 11 – In what ways does being a lesbian/2-mom family impact your experience of parenting?

Like others have already said, I think we have a more egalitarian parenting style because there are no set roles for us to play. We've both just taken on the tasks that we like best. She drives, I cook. I brush the kids' teeth, she clips their nails. I didn't realize how truly evenly the work of parenting was divided until we spent some time with my stepsister, her husband and their two sons. The guy hardly lifted a finger to help with his kids!

Day 12 – Tell us about the first time you got drunk (as far as you can remember…)

Really drunk, was my first year in college. I had joined the rugby team because that's what you do if you're gay and go to a womens college. The team drank a LOT. I made the mistake of going to the first rugby party right on time, so only the hostess (a senior) and her friends who were helping her set up were there. I was shy, so I drank to have something to do, and because the drinks were being offered. We stood in a circle and drank (pounded) mind erasers. Suddenly the world was spinning, and everything was funny. Somehow I made it across campus to another party. It was so much fun. My first hangover was far less fun.

Day 13 – Tell us about the best job you ever had, and the worst

Don't think I've had my best job yet. My worst was working at one of the big casinos on a reservation. I worked in a windowless kitchen in a fast paced, low price restaurant with a small, boring menu. I hated that everything was so regimented there, and I hated not being able to see the light of day for the entire time I was at work. The pay was pretty low. For the first time in my life, I was working not just with other teenagers, but with people who had families to support. It was hard to know that they were making the same measly check I was. The only good thing about the job was that we shared a space with an authentic Chinese restaurant (jellyfish and chicken feet on the menu). The guys in the Chinese restaurant were really into French Fries, which we had on our menu. They would trade us yummy stuff for a plate of fries.

Day 14 – How do you typically dress? How do you (or would you) like to dress your kid(s)?

Because I've never liked my body, and because I am afraid of making a giant fashion misstep, my style has usually been pretty simple. Jeans and a plain-ish shirt. I'd rather not draw attention than show up on "What Not to Wear". Recently I've been trying to branch out a bit, because I find that I feel better about my appearance if I put a little more effort in. I've found that I actually like wearing dresses and skirts! And I don't really like prints. Which is good, because Elizabeth does like prints, and we don't want to be one of those twinsie couples.

How do I dress my kids? I try not to go too boyish or girly, but their styles are not exactly neutral. They each have their own clothes and don't share anything except onesies. I like polos for the boy, because he has a giant pumpkin head and t-shirts can get too stretched out. I don't like sports or cars for him, but he looks great in robots and monsters (especially since his nickname is monster). Baby girl looks good in bright, bold colors. Especially yellow, and blue because it matches her eyes.

Day 15 – What was your college experience like? Were you involved in any clubs, groups, etc?

I loved college. I specifically chose the place I went to because it was very gay friendly. I had known I was gay since middle school, so I was eager to be out. In high school, I had an insecure, controlling best friend who didn't "allow" me to socialize with others, so college was a chance to actually make friends. I joined all of the gay clubs, and was co-chair of the LBA. (This is before the "T". I went to a womens college, so there was no "G".) I joined the rugby team. I socialized and occasionally paid a little attention to my classes. On the days when I'm bored at work, I kick myself for not taking college more seriously because I think if I had, I might have found a career path I liked more.

Day 16 – How many friends do you have in real life that you talk to regularly? How many friends do you have that you feel are ‘true blue’ and how long have you known them?

Only one, and she lives out of state. For all the friends I made in college, we drifted apart after graduation. We made a lot of new friends when we moved to our current location for Elizabeth to go to grad school, but there was a mass exodus when the twins were born. The friend who excitedly told pregnant Gayby Rabies that she'd come by EVERY WEEK to walk our dogs once the kids were born has shown up exactly zero times. The friend who said she'd love to babysit has not seen them since they were 2 months old. I knew things would change since we were the first of our social circle to have kids, but I didn't expect it to be so sudden. I am so, so happy that we had twins, because it gave us the opportunity to join a local mothers of multiples group. We've started meeting new people through the group, and I know they won't abandon us because we have kids. I think we'd be at a loss on how to meet people and very lonely right now if we had a singleton.

Day 17 – (for parents) What is your favorite thing about parenthood? Your least favorite?

I love seeing their personalities develop. They are such interesting little people, with such distinct personalities even from a very early age. My least favorite is that I know there will times when I have to be the bad guy for their own good. Like when they make that pouty face because I won't let them stand in the bathtub, or eat sand.

Day 18 – How do you feel about astrology? What’s your sign, baby, and do you think it matches your personality?

I don't really believe it too much, but it's fun. I think everyone likes a chance to talk about themselves and analyze their friends. The twins and I are all Leos. Elizabeth is a Taurus. Leos have a reputation for being bossy and opinionated. I suppose that's true, because the babies and I totally rule the house. Elizabeth is only in charge of the dogs. :)

Day 19 – How do you (and your partner if applicable) feel about PDA?

I feel like I'm always very conscious of who is around me. I live in a liberal state, so it's not like I need to worry too much. Still, I find myself looking over my shoulder before I give her a kiss or hold her hand. I wish it weren't that way.

Day 20 – What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you? Did you repay the kindness?

A lot of people have done kind things for me. The thing that comes to my mind is when I was helped by a stranger. It always amazes me when people help you even when there is nothing in it for themselves, and they know they'll never see you again.

I was a sophomore in college, and I got a call that my grandfather had just had a heart attack. I raced home to be with my mother and brother. By the time I got home, my mother her siblings had started gathering at her father's house, which was a few hours away. They were all sure it was the end. She told my brother and I we didn't need to come. But we decided to go anyway and left late at night. As we started getting closer, we realized that neither one of us knew exactly how to get to the hospital. We asked for directions at a toll booth, and got off at the next exit. The hospital was eerily quiet. We finally found an information desk, and asked for information on our grandfather. The woman at the desk said there was nobody by that name at the hospital. My brother nearly lost it thinking we were too late. Then a doctor getting off his shift noticed us and asked if we were okay. Somehow in the conversation, we realized we were at the wrong hospital. So he met us in the parking lot, and drove ahead of us and led us to the right hospital. From there he worked his doctor connections and found out where our grandfather's room was, and got us permission to go to the ICU to see him. As we walked down the hall to his room, he explained everything to us and told us about our grandfather's condition. He prepared us for seeing him hooked up to lots of wires and machines, and told us that his prognosis was good. And just as quickly as he appeared in the lobby of the first hospital, he said goodbye and left. We had been so preoccupied with my grandfather, that I never got the doctor's full name. He spent about an hour with us, after what was surely a long day at work and really helped put us at ease. Nearly 15 years later, I am still so grateful.

Day 21. What child(ren)’s names do you like that your partner hates and thus you could never use?

If there are any names I liked that Elizabeth hated, she was too polite to tell me. The name she got stuck on for a long time that I could never use was Wendell. Poor kid would get beaten up every day with a name like that!

Day 22 – What is your most beloved childhood memory? What memories are you trying to create (or will you try to create) for your child(ren)?

I loved having lazy summer days with my brother. We were totally unsupervised and would spend all day playing outside or swimming at "the crane" (our name for this place that was really sketchy now that I am remembering it as an adult...there were these cranes and bulldozers at a small sand quarry near the railroad tracks. The pit would fill with water, and the two of us would just jump in there and go for a swim!) We liked to make forts and we'd try to catch rabbits with that box propped on a stick tied to a string thing that you see in cartoons. I hope that my kids will have a good relationship with each other. I hope I can get them to play outside, and I hope I will not be the type of parent to hover too much. Oh, and I want a yard where I can grow raspberries for them. I used to love having raspberries growing in the yard as a kid.

Day 23 – What are your favorite activities to do with your kid(s)?

Eating dinner. The rush of getting everyone out the door to work and daycare in the morning does not leave much time to enjoy each others company. At dinner, we get to sit down and relax. We've just started all sitting down together, letting the kids eat what we eat, although their version is usually modified somewhat. It means we're eating a lot earlier than we'd like, but I really love having the time as a family. I love that they're being introduced to new foods too. I'd really hate it if we had the kind of kids who only ate chicken nuggets.

KETCHUP!

2011-06-16T15:14:00.002-04:00

Because I'm the type who rises to an un-challenge, here's the first installment of my catching up!

Day 4
What surprised you most about parenthood...

I was most surprised by how it changed my relationship with my mother / mother in law. I had always considered myself lucky because I get along pretty well with my mom and mother in law. Now, they make me absolutely insane! All of the "helpful comments" and "we always did such and such with you" etc. They hover, they question everything we do, and they pout when we ask them to stop doing things that go against how we want to parent. I know they mean well, but it's frustrating that we have to fight to raise my kids the way we want to.

Day 5
What do I prefer to do on my birthday...

My best birthday by far was my 31st. I spent it in the hospital with my hours old babies. Had they been born 2 hours later, I would have shared a birthday with my kids! I like to do simple, laid back kinds of things for my birthday. Going to a favorite restaurant with friends is always nice. I think my ideal would be to have a potluck, where everyone prepares something they love to cook. Nobody gets away with bringing ice or napkins.

I never had big parties growing up because my birthday is in the summer, so it was hard to get people together. I think I'd like to keep birthday parties small for my kids. It will be interesting to see how it turns out with twins.

Day 6,
the last time I tried something new...

It was a few weeks ago and it was swimming. Ok, so I've known how to swim since I was a little. I was a total fish when I was a kid. But then somewhere in middle school, when I realized I was chubbier than the other girls, I became too ashamed to be seen in a bathing suit. I would go swimming in shorts and a t-shirt worn over a bathing suit on very rare occasions (less than once a year) and only when there were few to no people around. Then someone in my multiples playgroup arranged group swim lessons and asked if I wanted to participate. Since it's so important to know how to swim, and my kids love playing in the bath, I decided to suck it up and go. I bought a swimsuit for the first time in at least 10 years. And you know what? It was okay. My kids had fun. Of course, it didn't hurt that everyone else in the group had given birth to twins in the past year!

Day 7

My favorite thing for breakfast is coffee. I missed it so, so much when I was TTC and pregnant. I went without it for 2 years! As far as food goes, I love going out to places where I can get sweet AND salty stuff...bacon and waffles, french toast AND apple chicken sausage, etc. And anything with Hollandaise sauce. Mmmm. Unfortunately, since I'm usually so rushed in the morning it ends up being cold cereal or toast. On the really bad days it's a kashi bar in the car.

Lunch is usually leftover dinner food, or a sandwich or some Greek yogurt. Again, it's a time thing. I don't get much of a lunch break at work so I don't bother preparing anything elaborate. It's usually anything I can eat at my desk.

Dinner is a bit more fun, since I get to cook or order out. We are surrounded by Indian restaurants where we live, so we do that a lot. When I cook, I tend to do Indian or Asian inspired foods jut because that's what's nearby and easy to buy. I always have Thai curry paste on hand so that if I'm short on time and creativity, I can just throw whatever I have into a curry. In the summer, I love going to the farmers markets and making a lot of different veggie dishes for dinner.

We're having a lot of fun doing solid foods with the kids. Our ultimate goal is to have them eating the same food as us, eating when we eat. Baby girl is out little purist. She loves all fruits and veggies, and now that they've come into season she's become a total berry junkie. Screeches like a pterodactyl when she sees a pint of blueberries. Baby boy loves protein. I made a baby version of curry chicken which he gobbled up. He also really loves scrambled eggs with garlic and spinach.

Day 8
If you had to teach something, what would you teach?

Absolutely, without a doubt, photocopier jam repair.

Day 9
What is the most important lesson you learned from your own mother (or other primary caretaker)?

On the positive side, the most important thing I learned from my mother is to just go for it- take a stab at anything, even if you're not sure you can do it.

On the negative side, I learned that it is important to listen to people. My mother does not listen very well, and tends to jump to conclusions, which leads to a lot of frustration.

Guilty Pleasures

2011-06-03T22:30:00.007-04:00

Gotta say, I'm loving this non-challenge!

Guilty pleasure #1
Gelato, ice cream and pretty much any other frozen dessert. Although there is almost always a pint in our freezer, there's something about going out to the scoop shops and seeing all those different flavors lined up that makes me giddy. Even hearing the music from an ice cream truck makes me perk up and check my pockets for cash, just in case the driver decides to stop for me.

Guilty pleasure #2
Reality TV. Some of my favorites are RuPaul's Drag Race, Top Chef, 16 and Pregnant (though it made me horribly bitter and jealous when I was TTC), Sister Wives, 19 Kids and Counting and Hoarders.

Guilty Pleasure #3
Crisps. I'm not trying to be cute and randomly toss British terms into the conversation. I just really love all the different kinds of British potato chips. I know, the flavors are all crazy artificial, but I can't help myself. Cheddar and red onion chutney, anyone?

Guilty Pleasure #4
Seeing jerks get pulled over. I'm not the hugest fan of law enforcement, but when someone has been weaving, speeding, and forces me to slam on my brakes with my kids in the back, I get a little thrill when I see them pulled over.

Guilty Pleasure #5

Fake sick days. I rarely call out sick because I rarely get sick. But once in a while I'll treat myself to a mental

health day. I'm always a little bit worried about getting caught, but there is something that just feels so deliciously naughty about having a leisurely lunch at a restaurant while everyone else is at work.

un-challenge day 2, My high school self

2011-06-02T15:20:00.000-04:00

Ahh, my high school self. That girl just could not wait to get out of high school. I took AP classes and was a total overachiever, especially in Spanish class. I even went to Spanish nerd camp one summer. I did lots of non-athletic extracurricular activities just so they'd show up on my transcript and I could get into college and get the hell out of "ye olde quaint New England towne". My high school was on the smaller side, and I didn't know anyone else who was gay. I had figured it out by middle school, so I spent a lot of time feeling trapped and feeling like I just didn't fit in. Once I got to middle school, I didn't have a ton of friends because I wasn't interested in the same things the other girls were. Try as I might, I couldn't fake a crush on Luke Perry.

When I got to high school, I found another outcast like myself. (Lets call her B) She was the outcast because she was the biggest girl in school. I was the outcast because, although I hadn't come out at that point, I was obviously different from the other girls. We had a few other outcast friends, but for the most part B was pretty possessive. She'd get upset if I tried talking to people she didn't approve of. She told me that nobody would accept me if they knew I was gay. She made me feel like I was lucky to have her as a friend, because there was just no way I'd get anyone else. We were inseparable because I had nobody else. When I found a gay youth group a few towns away during my senior year, B was pretty pissed. I began hanging out with the kids from the youth group and at the risk of sounding cliche, I finally felt free, felt like I could be myself. We would stay out late in coffee shops and diners, go camping, go on road trips and pull crazy stunts (many of which involved staging barbie dolls in crazy scenes in public places- don't worry, nothing lewd!). I hardly spent any time with B anymore. When I started dating someone I met in the group, that was it. B was furious and ended our friendship. Fortunately, all the hard work and extracurricular activities paid off, and I was accepted to my top choice college.

Non-challenge day#1

2011-06-01T22:04:00.004-04:00

Where do you blog?

Like many of you, I blog from work. Isn't it lovely?

I couldn't get everything in the picture with my crummy cell phone camera, but I did my best to capture my desk as it really is. I didn't clean up for y'all. I left my travel mug and my heating food in the office microwave mug and my brita (budget cuts, no more water cooler) out for all to see. My desk is usually covered with notes and packages and other things people dump there for me. As you may have guessed from the pile of books and the barcode scanner gun, I work in a library. My desk is not very private- the office is one big room with desks plunked all over, and I have 2 cubicle walls with a big gap between them. But it's a pretty laid back atmosphere thanks to my boss. Everyone has their own way to waste time, be it blogs, video games or facebook.

I rarely blog from home because I'd rather spend that time with my family. I'm out of the house from about 7:30am -6pm. Not the longest workday, but it doesn't give me too much time with my babies if I want to get them to bed at a decent hour.

Daycare woes

2011-05-12T14:25:00.000-04:00

Some recent posts at Bao in the Oven inspired me to do a post on my own daycare situation. I never really wanted to send my kids to daycare. I had always hoped that Elizabeth would land some tenure track job just in the nick of time and that I'd be able to be a stay at home mom for a year or two, then put them in some awesome and engaging pre-school and go back to work part time. Unfortunately, the academic job market sucks. Elizabeth's PhD did not land her a tenure track job, but got her stuck adjuncting. And anyone who has ever been an adjunct before can tell you that it pretty much qualifies you for sponsorship from Sally Struthers.

So here we are, going to the only daycare we can afford. We toured all of the facilities in the area. None of them would give a price over the phone. Instead, they make you come in and fall in love with the facility and "curriculum" and then hit you with the cost. They all but laughed in our faces when we told them what we could afford. Our daycare is in a small, older building. It is definitely showing it's age. I think we were able to get a good price there because the tired, worn facility can not compete with the bright, fancy new daycares that have been springing up like dandelions.

We love that our daycare is so accommodating. They were the only place that would let us do a 4 day week instead of going truly full time. They are willing to work with our changing schedules and occasional early dropoff / late pickup. I admire the patience it must take to do what they do each day for a very small salary. The people there really are sweet, and seem to genuinely like our kids.

But it's definitely not the same as some of the other places we saw. The fancy new facilities teach sign language and have music and art "programs" even in the infant room. Our daycare has nothing like that. I know I can't expect all the little extras for the price we pay. But there are some other things that bother me a bit more. A couple weeks ago I walked in to find my daughter looking red and blotchy. My mind raced to remember what she ate that day, thinking it was some kind of allergic reaction. It wasn't until I looked at my son's sheet for the day, which contained a small note about him tipping over in a walker outside that I realized it wasn't an allergic reaction- my daughter had a sunburn from being taken outside without sunblock. Some other things that make me scratch my head and wonder:

*I'm 90% sure they heat bottles in the microwave. I always heard that was bad because it destroys the beneficial properties of breastmilk and that it heats unevenly.

*The babies are always put to sleep on their tummies. I know many babies do better this way, but I thought a daycare would need to be more strict about the whole "back to sleep" thing and other safety issues.

*I found out that my son was eating a teething biscuit in the jumperoo. Isn't this a cholking hazard? Like running with a lollypop in your mouth?

*There seems to be very little effort to get the babies to nap. Some kids from the pre-K room frequently visit the infant room. It's nice that the babies get the extra attention and stimulation, but it creates a chaotic environment in the room. No wonder they don't get any sleep.

*Communication can be really difficult. All kids are supposed to have a sheet filled out with info on how many diapers they had, how they napped, when & how much they ate etc. I know the staff is busy, but these sheets are hardly ever filled out more than halfway. I think they're inaccurate much of the time too. AM and PM staff sometimes give conflicting information. This makes it hard to determine if their schedule is working or needs to be changed. I hate having so little control over / involvement in my kids lives.

There are other minor things that pop up, and I'm sure I'll remember a whole slew of other things as soon as I post this. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has similar issues with their daycare. Maybe all daycares are the same, and I'm fretting a bit too much over silly little things. Or maybe I'm just looking for stuff to be bothered by since I never really wanted them in daycare in the first place.

2011-04-06T14:38:00.003-04:00

Thanks for all the advice on good places to find clothes. Of course when you're trying not to be too gender conforming and all else fails, just dress them exactly the same.

good luck trying to tell them apart now!

sugar and spice, and clothing advice

2011-03-21T12:23:00.002-04:00

Having fully entered the world of solid foods, it seems that we can never have enough bibs. We found a great deal on some bibs with waterproof backing at a baby store last week, and bought 1 "girl" pack and 1 "boy" pack (with the intention of letting either baby wear bibs from either pack). All 10 of the boy bibs boasted of the wearer's superb athleticism. The girl bibs were more of a mixed bag. Some cupcakes, some ladybugs, etc. But the bib that really got me was the one that said "Kisses, 25cents". Really? What's next, a onesie that says "I'll flash my tits for a 15 second spot on "girls g0ne wild"? I know that the bib company intended this to be cute, and maybe I'm making a big dea lout of nothing, but somehow I just can't bring myself to put this on either of my kids.

We're not trying to put our daughter in strictly gender neutral clothing. We try to mix it up as much as we can. As she gets older and finds her own style and sense of self, we want her to know that we'll love her in ballet slippers as much as we'll love her in combat boots. Though as the multi-pack of bibs proved, sometimes the "girly" options leave a lot to be desired. And it's harder and harder to find clothes that don't play into the gender stereotypes in sizes larger than 6m. Anyone out there have a great source for kids clothes?

Going halfsies

2011-03-04T15:25:00.004-05:00

It just happened. I knew it would happen sooner or later. It was just a matter of when, and how. After months of no activity whatsoever on the bulletin boards, suddenly there is contact information for the other families who used our donor. And suddenly, my twins have 6 half siblings that we know about, all born within 2 months of each other. In my head, the meeting was all very romanticized- We all meet and bring the kids to Disneyworld, and they become like dear cousins to each other. The moms become BFFs and we all live happily ever after. The reality was much different.
There was a flurry of emails in the first few days, as we exchanged names and photos of our kids, and compared their personalities. But I'm left wondering what will happen once the initial curiosity wears off. What kind of relationship will my kids have with their half siblings?

My relationship with my own half-sister is a bit rocky. We lived about a half hour away from each other until I was 10 and she was 3. Then she and her mother packed up and moved halfway across the country. My asshole father did very little to keep her connected to the family, and only flew her out to visit about once a year (now it's about every 4 years). He never went to visit her. I wasn't allowed to make long distance calls, and she was too young to write letters back and forth, so we were not close growing up. As the internet became more widely available, we started communicating through e-mail. But she has a tendency to drop off the face of the earth for months at a time. It's not uncommon to go close to a year without hearing from her. She's a bit of a transient, so I'm never quite sure when or where she'll pop up. One month she's in North Carolina, then months later she'll call from Ohio. When she does re-appear, it's always the same. She wants money. She'll claim its because she doesn't have enough to pay car insurance, or rent, or she needs money to buy a bed because she's been sleeping on a recliner. And I will scramble to send her what little can, because she's my half-sister and I feel compelled to help. Some part of me knows she is irresponsible with money, and that I'm being taken advantage of. If she were just a friend, I would have cut her out of my life long ago. But because we have the same father, I feel a sense of obligation.

I wonder if this is what it will be like for my children. Will they feel a similar sense of obligation to their half siblings? Will they feel like their half siblings owe them anything? Will they desire a close relationship with these other children?
I've been feeling personal pressure on the issue, because I realize that at this young age, it's not really about the kids. It's about the moms. It's going to be OUR ability to communicate and connect with each other that will help shape the foundation of the halfsies relationships to each other. Two of the mothers found each other in a cryobank support group when they were trying to get pregnant. They chat regularly, they've exchanged multiple baby gifts, and they're planning to visit each other soon. I feel like a bit of a third wheel coming into the picture so much later. Suddenly all of my adolescent insecurities have re-emerged. What if the other moms don't like me? What if I blow it for my kids because I'm not as pretty or popular as the other moms?** Will my kids be shut out of a relationship with the half siblings if I don't make a connection with the moms? And in the end, how much of it really matters?
After years of resistance I finally caved and joined facebook, and have become facebook friends with the other moms. Will it ever amount to anything more than that? I suppose only time will tell.

**ETA - I'm not actually worried that they won't like me because I'm "not pretty or popular enough", but I do worry that this is an awkward way to meet people, and I don't want to make a bad first impression.

I'm baaaaack!

2011-02-22T11:25:00.004-05:00

Just when you think I'm gone for good, that's when I pop up again. My only excuse is for the long absence is that I've been busy. There has been a crackdown on wasting time at work, so I have been left with little time to blog. Sure I've got a million ideas for posts in my head, but I've been a slacker about commenting so I don't feel right about posting. Nobody wants to be the girl who shows up at the party and only talks about herself.

Anywho...that busy life is exactly what I want to talk about. Now I understand what people mean when they say that there aren't enough hours in the day. Here's what my schedule looks like:

6am- out of bed and pump if I need more milk for daycare. Make lunch to bring to work, make and eat breakfast. Feed dogs. Get myself dressed and ready, get babies dressed fed (nursing and solids) and ready. Somewhere in there Elizabeth brings our poor neglected dogs out to pee and for a short walk.

7:45 out the door for work / daycare dropoff

8:30-5 work

5:15- daycare pickup

6ish, depending on traffic- arrive home- unload babies, breast pump, daycare bag from car. Shout at dogs as they try to jump all over you when you're hauling your stuff to the second floor apt. Feel bad. Pat dogs on the head and tell them they are good puppies, then bring them out to pee.

6:30- change diapers, nurse babies and give them more solids. Clean babies up and let them play while you get some food ready for the grownups.

7- 7:30ish- get babies ready for bed and put them down in their cribs. Cross fingers that the boy does not flip out when he realizes he is not being held. Get dinner on the table.

8:00- eat dinner, possibly with the boy in your arms because he refuses to be put down. Clean up dinner dishes.

9:00- shower, pump, do anything else that needs to be done like paying bills, making baby food, etc.

11ish- bed. enjoy about 1/2 hour of peace before the boy realizes you are in the room (we're in a 1 bedroom apt) and he's hungry. Nurse the boy back to sleep. Wish he could be as easy as his sister who sleeps through the night.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Weekends are reserved for the really fun stuff, like going to the laundromat. I have no idea how we'll fit everything in when they're older and have things like soccer practice. I hate feeling like I have no time for my kids, even when we are at home. Any of you wise bloggers out there have any tips on how YOU get it all done?

One year ago

2010-12-10T15:38:00.004-05:00

One year ago today I was sad. Crushed. My second IVF cycle, which had started on such a positive note, was in the process of failing. It started with a Thanksgiving day retrieval, and 26 eggs. 19 of the eggs successfully fertilized with ICSI. My clinic has a policy of not updating patients on the progress of their embryos, so that was the last I heard until my 6-day transfer. The doctor came into my little room, where I waited full of hope (and about a gallon of water) in my hospital gown. He handed me a picture of 2 average looking embryos. That was it. Just 2 to transfer, nothing to freeze. My heart sank.

Elizabeth and I talked about using her eggs, talked about throwing our hats into the adoption ring. We decided that the best thing to do would be to take a break from the TTC madness for a while. We decided to contact an animal rescue and get another dog in the hopes that it would give us something else to focus on. The day before my period was scheduled to come, I started spotting lightly. The next day, I had a beta scheduled. I wanted to skip it and sleep in. But I stuffed a handful of tampons in my purse and went for the test anyway. Maybe they'd discover something, like abnormal progesterone levels or something to explain why my cycle failed, just in case I decided to try again. Later in the day, I went to a Christmas brunch thrown by one of the higher-ups at work. She had invited people's families to come along too, and I tried my best not to get too emotional when a co-worker was there with his young son. I went to the bathroom, and was bleeding heavier than before, so I pretended that I had a lot to do at work and headed back to the office.

When I returned to work, there was a call from Elizabeth on my voicemail. "Check your email" as all she said. I checked it, and there was an email from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line "YAY!!". She said that my beta came back at 148. I could feel my face get hot and my fingers go numb. Everything around me seemed to be happening in slow motion, just like it does in the movies. Somehow I stumbled outside with my cell phone to call the nurse and confirm that she had really intended to send the email to me. I didn't believe that it was real, and I continued to doubt it until a second blood draw showed a very quick doubling time.

I'm not one of those people who thinks that everything happens for a reason. I know that the worst thing you can tell someone who is TTC is "it will happen when the time is right". Still, there are days when I look at my son and daughter and think to myself, if any of the other cycles had worked, I wouldn't have THESE children.

my little bookworm

Oh, how I love those big brown eyes!

Somebody's got a case of the Mondays

2010-11-16T15:25:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I know it's Tuesday, but every day feels like Monday all of a sudden. I returned to work last week, and it sucks. Bigtime.

I miss my babies. They're in daycare now. A daycare center came through for us at the last minute, and was able to take both babies for a price we could afford. We're paying just a few hundred dollars a month more than it would cost to send one baby to daycare. I'm pretty sure the only reason they were able to give us such a good deal is because they're desperate. There are TONS of daycare facilities near us, the vast majority are fancy shmancy new constructions. We're talking video monitors in every classroom, Raffi piped in on surround sound, playgrounds with rounded corners and that soft rubbery stuff on the ground as opposed to asphalt or wood chips. The place we're sending our babies? It's a bit worn, to put it nicely. There's no way they can compete with the shiny new facilities. At least the people who work there seem nice, and they seem to like the twins. And really, we had no choice.

Besides missing my babies terribly, the worst thing about being back at work is pumping here. I HATE HATE HATE pumping in the bathroom! It just grosses me out. It's a private bathroom with a lock, which is better than having to use one of the stalls but still. It's the only private bathroom in the building. You know what that means. It's the bathroom my co-workers use when they need to do their worst. There's nothing quite like preparing food for your children with the smell of a fresh dump (or even worse, a fresh dump and french vanilla air freshener) lingering in the air. My first day back, I just stood there and cried the whole time I pumped. The second day, I focused less on crying and more on making sure that absolutely nothing that touched the bottles touched any bathroom surface. Quite the challenge. I've heard rumors of places that give mothers a private non-bathroom place to pump, but for some reason, I don't think they really exist. My co-workers don't seem to see any problem with pumping in the bathroom, so maybe I'm just being a brat. I'd like to know what you think. So please, any working mothers out there, I'd love to know what your experience pumping at work has been like.

Still here

2010-10-29T17:14:00.006-04:00

Wanna know a secret? Twins rock. Hanging out with these two babies is way more fun than blogging, hence my very long absence from blogland. I've had the joy of staying home with the babies for the past few weeks, while Elizabeth has been going to work. Since my maternity leave will be ending far too soon, I've been soaking up this time with my son and daughter. Being on the computer or watching TV feels like too much of a drain on my time with them. Occasionally when they're both sleeping, I'll try to go through my blogroll and catch up, but it rarely works. I'll comment on one or two blogs, and then get pulled away housework or the poor neglected dogs. Since Elizabeth is at work, the prime spot for procrastination and avoiding work, she keeps me filled in on everything. I've been cheering from the sidelines for anyone who has gotten pregnant, stayed pregnant, had babies, or just kept plugging along in the TTC game.

My babies are so friggin awesome. I swear, they're the easiest babies in the world. They have been pretty consistent for the past few weeks about eating every 4 hours. They aren't sleeping through the night yet, but are only up once. They're completely different people- our daughter (Butterbean) is the quieter of the two, a very content and focused baby. She's perfectly content to sit still and listen to a story. Our son is the active, smiley, flirty type and he talks CONSTANTLY. I swear, when we were eating lunch today he said "mayhem" very clearly. Elizabeth and I both heard it.

I'm just having so much fun with them. So here's a few pictures for anyone who might still be reading this blog. I'll probably start posting more when I return to work in a few weeks. :(

staring at the mobile above their crib

getting ready for the rainbow families halloween party

smiliest. boy. ever.

relaxing in her bumbo chair

An apt 100th post

2010-08-22T19:28:00.011-04:00

It's amazing how time slips away from you when you've got two babies at home. It's also surprisingly hard to do a blog post one-handed when there's a baby curled up in the crook of your arm. This week has been both magical and challenging, and it still feels a bit surreal to look at these children and know that they're ours. So without further ado, a picture of the babies and their names. I don't plan to use their real nameson the blog as I don't want it to be googleable. But I know everyone wants to hear name choices, so they can ooh and aww, or question what kind of drugs the mother was on when she chose the name. The first names are just names that we liked, we wanted something a little different, but not too out there. Our son's middle name is after Elizabeth's father, our daughter's middle name is for my brother. This will be the only time I use the names on the blog.

This is when our son is about an hour old, and our daughter is about 15 minutes old. They've changed so much in the past week, I really don't think they look like this anymore.

PHOTO REMOVED

Thinking in her boppy.

One of the rare moments when our little guy is still.

Lucky Friday the 13th

2010-08-15T08:48:00.003-04:00

At 38 weeks 6 days pregnant, I finally got contacted with a date for induction, to happen one full week later. I was miserable. One week seemed like an eternity. Still, Elizabeth and I did our best to enjoy what remained of our free time and made a lunch date with some friends for the next day. We checked out one final daycare, and ended the day with chocolate ice cream. At 4:30 in the morning, I got up to pee and felt a strange pressure on my pelvic bones. Yet the toilet paper showed no sign of a mucous plug, so I attributed it to sleeping funny. I went back to bed, and realized I was still peeing a little. Hmm....I'm not a bed wetter I thought to myself, I should stop this at once. Only I couldn't stop. The trickle grew stronger, and I shook Elizabeth awake. "I think my water just broke" I said as another small gush came out. Elizabeth turned on the lights and threw back the sheets. "Yup, it sure did" she said upon seeing the puddle I was lying in.

I can't ever remember feeling so giddy in my life. We raced around the house following our to-do list...change the sheets, feed the dogs, run the dishwasher. I couldn't stop giggling the whole time. The first few hours of labor were exactly as I'd always imagined- being awakened by my water breaking, and then a drive to the hospital when the streets are dark and empty. The rest of the delivery was completely unexpected.

Once I found out that I was having twins, I knew that many aspects of their delivery would be out of my control. A home birth was out. I knew they would likely arrive early, so I braced myself for spending time in the NICU. I knew they would most likely be born by c-section, with a room full of hospital staff.

I totally lucked out. Both babies were head down, and my OB was excited about letting me go vaginally. While it's policy in this and many other hospitals to deliver all twins in the operating room "just in case", our OB pulled some strings (okay she was downright stubborn and insistent) that we be allowed to stay in the LDR room for their birth. Rather than being surrounded by a team of 8 hospital staff, it was just Elizabeth, the OB and a nurse in the LDR room when the babies were born. Labor progressed slowly and steadily, and I allowed myself to experience painful contractions until I was 5cm. I had a low dose epidural, which my OB asked me to let wear off by 10cm. After an hour and a half of pushing, we had a son.

We waited for the contractions to do their thing and push the next baby down. The baby's heart rate got really wacky on the monitor, and the contractions slowed down. The OB asked my permission to start some pitocin to help bring the contractions back up since the baby seemed to be in a bit of distress. I was exhausted at this point, so I was happy to have any method of help possible. Just shy of 40 minutes after our son was born, we had a daughter. She surveyed the room, pouted, and then peed her disapproval.

One of each. We are over the moon thrilled and excited about these babies, born on an oh-so-lucky Friday the 13th. They could not be more different. Our little boy has dark hair, dark eyes, and is a skinny little thing. Our little girl, a blondie, looks bigger. We learned after having them weighed that her bigger appearance is just due to her chubby little cheeks. He weighed in at 6lb 1oz, and she was 5lb, 11oz. They were 20 inches & 18 and a quarter long, respectively. They're absolutely perfect and precious, and we will post pictures and names, provided we can figure out how to make them un-googleable, very soon!

GUSH!

2010-08-13T05:16:00.000-04:00

The race is on, Poppy!

Meds giveaway!

2010-08-11T10:45:00.002-04:00

I think we've held on to our extra F0llustim long enough. First, we were keeping it because we weren't sure if this pregnancy would stick. Then we held on a little longer because we toyed with the idea of having Elizabeth create and freeze some embryos for use a few years down the road. We've finally decided that we're not going to use it before it expires on 9/2011, so we have two 900 pens of f0llustim up for grabs. Please e-mail me (gaybyrabies at yahoo dot com) if you are interested. I can send both pens to one person, or split it up. I'll determine who gets it mostly on a first come, first served basis. However, since it costs a small fortune for me to overnight this stuff, priority will go to anyone on my blog roll. Of course, anyone who needs the meds is welcome to ask. My only conditions are that:

A) You are seeing a doctor, I don't want to be responsible for anyone self medicating with this stuff.

B) You don't sell it. I could really use the money too, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal.

The gender post

2010-08-07T12:55:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, I'm struck by how little Elizabeth and I know about our babies. We've managed to get this far, through all of the extra ultrasounds that twins get, without learning the sex of the babies. I thought I'd have some kind of mother's intuition and get a strong feeling one way or the other, but so far, I can't say that I have an inkling about who is in there.

As happy as I am to be surprised on the day that they're born, there is a part of me that wishes I knew. Although I love and appreciate all of the clothes we've gotten from friends and family, I'm getting eager to buy things that are a bit more gender specific. There are only so many gender neutral things available at BRU, (which seems to be the only place people shop for showers) so we have so many duplicate items. The colors that have been deemed "neutral" are a bit boring after a while too. No bold greens or oranges, just a sea of orange and lime sherbet colored onesies. Lately when we've stopped at any store that sells baby items, we've been drawn to the clothing - particularly the really gender specific items, like impossibly tiny ladybug sundresses and cupcake onesies, or bulldog and dinosaur outfits. I have to admit, some of them are quite cute. But I can't bring myself to buy them without knowing who's in there.

Let me say that I have absolutely no preference of one sex over the other when it comes to these babies. I know that there are many families (same-sex and hetero, nobody on my blog roll of course) who view girls as the top prize, and baby boys as a distant second. It breaks my heart to see some people who are truly disappointed when they come back from their anatomy scan and must report that they are carrying a baby boy. I've always felt a bit defensive when it comes to baby boys. I think it comes from hearing stories about my crazy grandmother. My grandmother had three daughters, and no sons. She was thrilled when I was born, but when her second grandchild, my brother, was born a year later she refused to hold him for the first three months of his life simply because he was a boy. When my aunt, who had struggled with infertility for years was finally approved for adoption, my grandmother asked "what are you going to do if it's a boy?" And when I approached her, overflowing with joy to tell her that she was soon going to be a great-grandmother to twins, the first words out of her mouth were "I suppose they're both boys?" My jaw hit the floor. I was 12 weeks along at that point and had done my best to remain as detached as possible from these babies, mostly as a defense mechanism because I was so afraid of losing them. But in that moment, I suddenly felt so connected to my babies and protective of them. I had to convey to her that there was no way I would love a son any less than I would love a daughter. Even if I'm not quite sure how to teach him to pee standing up.

Nothin'

2010-08-02T16:57:00.003-04:00

I have a question for all of you ladies out there who've already had babies. Did you have any sense in the day(s) before your babies were born that your time was coming? I'm a little over 37 weeks along here, and for far I've got nothing. I haven't felt a single contraction, not even a little Braxton Hicks. I haven't felt any of the signs of labor on the list stuck to my fridge. Truly, I am happy to keep these babies baking for as long as I can. Overall, my body has done really well with this pregnancy thing, and I'm still fairly comfortable. But I'm starting to get a bit impatient, wondering when these babies plan on arriving.

Phew!

2010-07-31T20:37:00.002-04:00

At long last, I have started my maternity leave! I worked full time through week 36, which left me absolutely exhausted. At the end of the day, I had no energy left to comment on blogs, let alone post to my own. I do NOT recommend working that long if you're pregnant with twins. My last week on the job was particularly tough, because so many of my co-workers called out sick or took vacation time and I was left to pick up the slack. I also had to try to wrap up all of the loose ends relating to my job, and attempt to train people to cover for me while I am away. Not fun my friends, not fun at all.

I think the stress of that final week at work is part of what led me to have a high blood pressure reading at my OB checkup. Upon getting the high reading, the nurse instructed me to lay on my left side, and then she scurried off to get the doctor. So I did my best to lay on my left side on the uncomfortable, inclined exam table for about 15 minutes. I was freaking out. I was afraid I'd be sent off for a c-section that afternoon. There was no way my blood pressure was going to go down in 15 minutes. Sure enough, it was still elevated when the doctor came in, so I was sent off to the hospital for monitoring. Fortunately, my blood pressure went back to normal when I was at the hospital and all of my bloodwork came back normal. Dodged a major bullet there. You can bet I've been behaving myself after that. I've spent the past few days chilling on the couch watching TV with the dogs, drinking as much water as I can.

I still can't believe these babies will be here so soon. Looking at my ticker freaks me out. Even freakier? Looking at my blogroll and realizing that I'm the next to go!

working backward to first names

2010-06-21T10:59:00.004-04:00

Like any good lesbian couple, Elizabeth and I have had a running list of potential baby names for years. We're lucky that we have similar taste- we both want something that's less common, but not completely out there. We want a name that's easy to pronounce and we're not into the very creative alternative spellings (definitely no little Jayssin or Emmuhleigh in our future).

After we had our first appointment at the fertility factory, we went home and made a big list of names on our computer that we would add to periodically. It seemed so easy! We'd hear interesting names all the time and add them to the list. The list got longer and longer. We were prepared for octuplets. But then I got pregnant, and the idea of naming a child was no longer an abstract thing that we'd do sometime in the future. Suddenly some of those names didn't seem quite right. They were perfect for some other child, but somehow they just didn't seem like the right fit for OUR children. Choosing a name became much more complicated. The kids will be stuck with this name for the rest of their lives, or at least until they turn 18 and can change it. We have plenty of names that we like, but very few that we really love. And what if we look at our babies for the first time, and they just don't fit any of the names we've chosen? Gotta remember to pack that baby name book in the hospital bag.

We had a boy name that we absolutely loved for close to 5 years now. We had the perfect middle name to go with it. When we first checked, it was down near 100 in terms of popularity. But then it started climbing on the list to hit #25, and I heard of several other people who used this name. We had to abandon the name because it was just becoming too popular for our liking. (Elizabeth hated having such a popular name growing up.) Now I brace myself every time someone I know, in real life or in blogland is about to have a baby. I don't want to find that another name we love is becoming too popular.

We've decided that we're keeping our name choices to ourselves until the babies are born. People are way too opinionated about names, and tend to forget that it's our right to name our babies whatever we choose. We've gotten a lot more flack on our decision to keep quiet on our name ideas than we have on keeping the sex of the babies a surprise. Is it that unusual to keep your name lists secret? How did you / do you plan to choose your baby's name? For those of you who already have children, did you feel absolutely certain about a name before you gave it to your baby or was it more of a last minute decision? This is way tougher than I thought it would be!

Last Names

2010-06-16T12:24:00.003-04:00

One night not too long ago, I awoke in a panic. I had gotten a call from our lawyer earlier that day, letting me know that the court had "misplaced" my name change documents and we'd have to re-submit the paperwork. I've been meaning to change my last name for a long time, but with my due date drawing ever closer it's taken on a new sense of urgency.

I can't stand the thought of my babies having my father's last name, even if it turned out to be a temporary thing until we got paperwork straightened out. My father has been almost absent from my life, but pops up just enough to make things complicated. I was 5 when he got another woman pregnant with what turned out to be my half sister. My mother kicked him out of the house. He was supposed to see me and my brother on weekends, but would cancel frequently. Sometimes, he wouldn't even tell us he needed to cancel. My brother and I would wait like fools in the elementary school lobby for him to come pick us up, only to have the secretary shake her head and sigh and drive us home an hour later when he failed to show.

Over the years we saw him less and less. After I left for college at 18, the visits slowed to a pace of about one or two per year. Now I see him for a few hours a year sometime around my Christmas / New Years break at work. He spends most of those brief hours trying to make me feel guilty about how little I see him, even though he is the one who has always failed to return my calls and breaks plans at the last minute. It made me sad when I was a kid- I would get my hopes up that he would come through but wind up feeling rejected. As I got older, I recognized my father for the pathetic person he is. I stopped feeling like I needed a daddy, so his unreliability and disinterest in my life no longer hurts the way it did when I was in pigtails.

I was lucky, I have a wonderful mother and didn't need to rely on him. I think the one who was really hurt by his absence is my half sister Ella. Ella and her mother moved out of state when Ella was almost 4. When he did remember to pay child support for her it was next to nothing, even though he knew that her mother was financially and emotionally unstable. At 24, Ella is a culinary school dropout. She is unable to find work and has few adult life skills. This is mostly due to the fact that she had no role model to teach her how to be a responsible adult. She also suffers from depression, and has some of the worst luck of anyone I know. She has a tendency to drop off the face of the planet for weeks at a time. I found out yesterday from my brother that her most recent absence was due to illness. She had a severe staph infection which spread to her bones and cartilage and she's now wheelchair bound, living in a motel. My father knew of her condition, but did not once make time to visit her and didn't let anyone else in the family know she was sick. So for the past two days, I've been beyond angry with that man. There is no way he deserves to be honored as a grandfather, no way he deserves to have his name passed down.

My court date finally came through, and is set for next Friday. We always knew we wanted everyone in our family to have the same last name, and toyed with a lot of ideas before coming up with a solution that worked. We thought about hyphenating, but that would have meant a 6 syllable last name. Waaaay too much of a mouthful, especially since Elizabeth's last name is Polish and has more z's than vowels. We thought about combining part of her name with part of my name (i.e. banana + vanilla = banilla) but the results were laughable. We didn't want one of us to take the other's last name, because we were worried it would make one of us seem too dominant. In the end, we looked at as many different last names in our family trees as we could come up with, and decided on a favorite. So next Friday, we will both be using my grandfather's name as our last name. Hopefully the babies will stay put until then.

Working 9-5...okay, 8-5

2010-05-18T13:31:00.004-04:00

First, I want to thank everyone for their thoughts / prayers / good wishes for my mother. She had lymph node surgery last week, and the lymph nodes came back clear which is a really really good thing.

Second, I need to apologize for being such a bad blogger / commenter. Things have been a bit crazy at work. I used to be able to sneak some time at work to update my blog and comment on others, but not so much anymore. Just when I needed things to be slowing down here, my workload picked up. One of my co-workers got transferred to a new location, and I got stuck picking up a huge amount of the slack.

While they are all very nice human beings outside of the workplace, my co-workers are oblivious to how difficult things are becoming for me. I work in an academic library, which I am discovering is a much more physical job than I originally thought. There's a lot of standing up, bending to pull a 15 pound journal from the bottom shelf, pushing fully loaded carts, climbing onto a step stool and stretching to get a 15 pound journal from the top shelf, going up and down the stairs because the elevator is broken yet again. You get the picture. It's not the most physical job in the world, but everything is much harder with a belly in the way. I've made my boss aware (on multiple occasions) that I need help with the more physical aspects of the job, but nothing comes of it.

I am trying to balance being careful not to overexert myself with my need to save time for maternity leave. I will only be paid and receive insurance coverage while using my accumulated sick days. I have 65 days saved up, so that should get me close to 3 months off. Ideally, I'd like to take the bulk of that time off after the babies are born, and not before. Honestly, I still have absolutely no idea what will happen work-wise after the babies are born, and it's beginning to stress me out. Currently Elizabeth has a postdoctoral fellowship, which pays fairly well but does not offer health benefits. My job does not pay well, but it does allow me to cover Elizabeth on my insurance. Our original plan was that I would quit my job after the babies were born, because Elizabeth would surely have a job by then. Unfortunately, the academic job market is terrible. Last year was the worst year for job seekers in Elizabeth's field in decades- this year there are 25% fewer jobs than last year. It's a very difficult situation for someone trying to break into the academic job market.

Since we can't count on a job coming through for Elizabeth this year, our first plan was that I would go back to work after my leave is up since I have insurance. Elizabeth would quit her job and be a SAHM because her job does not offer insurance. It doesn't make sense for both of us to go back to work and put 2 infants in daycare. I am humiliated to admit this, because the rest of you seem so well off, with great jobs and homes that you own, but the cost of putting 2 infants in daycare would take up nearly every penny of my paycheck.* It just doesn't make sense to work so hard at a job I don't like, just so that someone else can raise my children. If I earned a bit more, it would be different because I would actually have some income left over that could be used for savings or household expenses. It just doesn't make sense to have someone else raising our kids if one of us could stay home and our financial bottom line would be the same.

Now, Elizabeth is considering staying on at her fellowship for another year because it actually brings in more money than my full time job. We would have to purchase insurance which would put us in a very tight financial situation, but we could manage. Either way, it's going to be a tough decision to make. I'm still hoping that a full time job with benefits comes through for her, because a larger salary + health insurance included would make our financial situation so much easier.

One of the things that's breaking my heart the most about our current financial situation is that with only one small income, we'll have to stay in our current one bedroom apartment. Like so many others, when I dreamed about babies in my future, I fantasized about decorating the perfect nursery. My mother-in-law threw us a baby shower last week, and we received some heart meltingly sweet home made gifts. I want a special place to put all of these lovely things. I want to give my babies a place of their own. In this regard, I feel like I have already failed them. Rather than giving them a little room just for them, we'll try to make the best of our terrible floor plan apartment and find a way to squeeze swings in between file cabinets, to fit an extra dresser and changing table in the bedroom without putting the bed and co-sleeper near the drafty window, etc. In the meantime, I'm trying to stay hopeful that something will come through at the last minute so I can give my babies everything they deserve.

And now to try and catch up on the rest of blogland!

*Elizabeth and I do combine our earnings for shared expenses. If we put our kids in daycare, it won't be coming out of my income alone. It just makes it easier to visualize the impact daycare would have on our finances by realizing that one income would essentially be gone.

My mother just called...

2010-04-19T12:43:00.001-04:00

...her biopsy came back positive. She has breast cancer. I am sad.

Some bullets, and a shotgun

2010-04-14T12:00:00.004-04:00

It's been a busy few weeks in Gayby-land, so I'm resorting to the bullet post.

*A H0nda Acc0rd just won't cut it for 2 adults, 2 infants and 2 dogs so we spent lots of time test driving used cars. We ended up spending a little more than we wanted to because we were able to get a good deal on a Volvo XC70. It feels way too nice to be something I own! As far as station wagons go, it's pretty bad-ass.

*Work is getting busier, at the precise moment I need it to slow down a bit. One of my co-workers just got transferred to another branch, and I am left picking up the slack. I think I could write a whole post on job related stuff.

*We've had lots of appointments with our new lawyer, who is the greatest lawyer ever. He's the one who fought for civil union partners to both be named on the original birth certificate. So cool.

*We're in the process of changing our last names since we want everyone in the family to have the same last name. We didn't want us both to take one of the last names we currently have, because I was worried that it would make one of us seem more dominant than the other. I didn't want ignorant people to think that one of us was the "husband" because we had taken that name. We looked at all sorts of last names in our families going way back. In the end, we decided on my mother's maiden name.

*Elizabeth and I did a little day trip to Connecticut last week and had a shotgun wedding. We decided to get married last Monday, and had the "wedding" last Friday. Even a simple shotgun wedding resulted in a crazy week of planning. Still, we managed to find rings on our meager budged that didn't look like we'd found them next to the patchouli at a head shop, I got a cute summer dress at a maternity consignment shop, and we booked a JP. Our only "witness" was the JP's standard poodle...who is blind in one eye. Our "reception" was just the two of us going out for gelato afterwards.

*I had my 20 week ultrasound. I had been freaking out about it because my OB sent me to the hospital for the scan, since she thought she had noticed a difference in the fluid levels of the 2 babies. It turns out that there was no problem at all. Huge sigh of relief. I didn't peek at all during the between-the-legs shots, so I still do not know what I am having. I hope I can keep up the surprise.

*About 2 weeks ago, I finally started feeling movement that was definitely babies and not digestion. It makes me smile every time. I'm sure my co-workers walk by my desk and wonder why I've got such a silly grin on my face sometimes.

*I have my 22 week scan tomorrow!

The Other Purgatory

2010-03-28T21:46:00.001-04:00

Elizabeth here. First, I would like to say how much I appreciate all of your support throughout our extended and difficult TTC process. While I don’t comment anywhere, know that I have been reading and cheering everyone on. I don’t know if I will post regularly but I thought I’d give it a go for once.

Your dear Gayby and I have been navigating a couple of purgatories at once: TTC and my finding a job. And while she is now gorgeously pregnant with twins, I am still trying to find a path out of my purgatory. The very month we started TTC, September 2008, I made my formal entry into the academic job market. As you can imagine, it’s about as pretty as the rest of the job market. I know from reading your blogs that some of you are familiar with academia and its unique employment process that is clearly designed by people who, let’s face it, are not exactly natural born administrators, but for those of you who aren’t, here’s a rundown of the application process.

1) Write a multi-page cover letter outlining everything that has ever made you seem smart and unique. Include multi-page CV with everything you’ve ever done. Include 3 letters of recommendation from the best scholars you know. Include as requested the following: teaching portfolio, including syllabi, evaluations, and classroom philosophy; writing sample, ranging from 30-300 pages; research philosophy; transcripts from any institution you’ve ever attended. Spend anywhere from $4-$25 to have this material sent via dossier service.

2) Wait.

3) Fill out affirmative action card, get hopes up that this means that they’ve at least noticed your file in the pile of 300 applications just like yours.

4) Wait more.

5) Jump every time the phone rings.

6) Wait.

7) Give up hope.

Occasionally, you will get a phone interview, conference interview, or campus interview. The campus interviews are about as nutty as they come. Meet with as many people as can plan an hour of their day for this purpose, give a presentation of your finest scholarship, have dinner with a group of people who don’t always talk to one another, collapse.

For some people, it’s ridiculously easy. They have a few dissertation chapters done and they get an offer at the first place they ever interview. For others, it’s more difficult. They do everything right in grad school: teach a lot of classes, present research, get published, finish everything on time, and spend years languishing on the job market, piecing together whatever other work they can find to get by. Sound like any other processes we’re all familiar with?

It has nothing to do with worth or scholarly value. It’s not a meritocracy. It’s the quirkiest system to find employees ever designed, and it’s based on the whims of a committee often comprised of people with different ideas about what they want, and the result is often a compromise. I know all of this, but it doesn’t mean I don’t question my merit with every rejection. Sound familiar?

I happened to get a decent postdoc for the current academic year. At the VERY LAST MINUTE (as in at the moment I got my last summer teaching paycheck). The person who held the position previously got a permanent job elsewhere, and the director of the project knows me and offered it to me to fill the position quickly. I was desperate, so was she. I took it, and it’s a match made in purgatory. She has a tendency to yell and belittle. It’s not pleasant but not unbearable. I shouldn’t complain. At least I have something for the moment. But we have 2 babies on the way, and I don’t get benefits in this position. Gayby deserves to be able to quit her boring job and stay home with the babies while she figures out what she wants to do – she sacrificed figuring out what she wanted to support my academic fantasyland – and to do this I need to be carrying the benefits. I owe this to her, and I desperately want to give it to her. I’m applying beyond academia as well, but it’s pretty bleak out there.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if everything just came together at the exact right moment? I’d like to be done with all purgatories once and for all.

I'd like to thank the academy...

2010-03-25T09:32:00.004-04:00

I've been given the SugarDoll award by the lovely twin mama Elana

Here's how the award works- simply say 10 things about yourself, then give the award to 10 fellow bloggers. What a perfect workday distraction. Get ready to be fascinated, people!

1) I refuse to eat tomatoes if it's not summer. Winter tomatoes are not worth the effort it takes to chew them.

2) I could kill an entire sick day laying on the couch watching old episodes of Roseanne.

3) I can wiggle my little toe without moving my other toes

4) The babies made me buy a 12 pack of pickled onion monster munch last month. I had to go online to find it. It was on backorder. The babies got very impatient.

5) When I was in third grade, I got sent to the Principal's office for pulling bits of foam out of one of the seats on the school bus. In my defense, the seat was already torn up.

6) I've never seen a Star Wars movie all the way through, only caught bits and pieces here and there.

7) My first word was my dog's name.

8) I used to have a plant in my cubicle at work, but it disappeared. Who the heck steals a plant?

9) I've had the song "Take A Chance On Me" by ABBA stuck in my head for about two days. I'm sure that at least ONE person who reads this will have it stuck in their head for a little while now too.

10) I can't fall asleep unless I have my arm tucked under my head.

And now I'd like to award the following bloggers, chosen at random from the outstanding choices on my blogroll:

Adventures in Babymaking

Amy and Melissa's Baby Blog

And Baby Makes Three

Bao in the Oven

Eeney Meeney Miney Mommy

Figboiler

Half a Dozen of the Other

Make it so Number One

Mama and Mummy

Schroedinger's Womb

Single Mom Insanity

A Weighty Issue

2010-03-19T20:18:00.003-04:00

Well, it finally happened. I can no longer button a single pair or pants that I own. I am sporting quite the belly these days my friends. Unfortunately, it's not one of those adorable little "I'm smuggling a small to medium sized melon under my shirt" kind of bumps. I'm at an annoying in between stage, and to most people I just look fat.

Let me backtrack a bit here. I need to come clean. I didn't start this journey as a skinny little thing. I'm only 5'2" wear a size 10. Weight has been an issue all my life. Even putting a physical description of myself up here makes me anxious and uncomfortable. My mother used to stand over my shoulder disapprovingly when I made my school lunches and tell me how many calories were in the food I was preparing for myself. My grandmother was famous for making the admonition, "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips" on Thanksgiving. So I became one of the many young women who played by the rules when others were watching, but binged when I was alone. I have always been ashamed of my body. The fact that it took me so long to get pregnant made me dislike my body even more. I hate to sound shallow, but this in between stage my body is going through makes me very self conscious.

All of the diet advice for expectant mothers of twins recommends eating a LOT of food. About 3,500 calories worth, heavy on the protein and calcium. I have essentially been given license to eat cheeseburgers and milkshakes every day if I want to. You would think this would be a closet eater's dream come true, but it's been so much harder than I thought. My appetite has been smaller than normal since I got pregnant. Even breaking the big meals up into smaller meals doesn't help that much. Every meal feels like I've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not complaining, just surprised that eating has been the most difficult thing I've experienced in this pregnancy so far.

I have no hang ups about gaining a lot of weight to support this pregnancy. Despite my baggage about weight, I know what I need to do and am happy to do it. But when I go into restaurant or bring an enormous lunch to work when not everyone who sees me knows on sight that I'm pregnant brings a lot of these weight issues to the front of my mind. It's very strange.

And on the baby front, I had my 18 week scan today. That's at least halfway for twins. Yikes, where did the time go? For the most part, it went well. The doctor came into the room to go over my ultrasound and told me that my cervix is measuring perfectly, the babies have great heartbeats, etc. I could tell from the tone of her voice that there was a "but" coming. The ultrasound revealed that one baby has less fluid than the other baby- maybe. The doctor said that a more sophisticated ultrasound machine might show that there is no difference in the fluid levels. A different ultrasound tech might see things differently. The doctor said that there is nothing to worry about yet, that the situation just needs to be monitored. My 20 week ultrasound will take place at the hospital where they have better equipment. I am trying to trust my doctor. I am trying not to panic. That means no Dr.Google, because I know it will only raise my anxiety level. Still, I can't pretend I'm not scared.

Second Parent Adoption

2010-02-24T14:09:00.002-05:00

My mother is making me nuts! I made the mistake of venting to her the other day about how unfair it is that Elizabeth will have to adopt her own children. I mentioned that there are lots of other things that we'd like to spend our money on besides lawyer fees.

This morning, I checked my e-mail and she's sent me a link to la.mbda legal. She's very proud of herself because she thinks she's found the answer to everything. Suddenly, she's the expert on gay adoption law. I've been referring to that organization's website for several years now, ever since we got serious about starting a family. Still, I politely thanked her, let her know it was a great site and that it helped us to find the lawyer we're going to go with.

Her next e-mail is what really got me. She told me not to hire a lawyer, and told me that she had my aunt and uncle looking into it. My aunt and uncle who did a traditional domestic adoption 26 years ago. She also has her lawyer friend's daughter who lives in my state looking into it. She has a whole team of people supposedly "looking into things" on my behalf. She sent me a link for the state court adoption information. Basically, she is suggesting that the lawyers are tricking me into thinking I need them, and that I can do this all on my own.

Right now I am feeling a bit humiliated. Humiliated that there are at least a dozen people who think I've gone into this baby making thing blindly and have no idea how to handle the second parent adoption. Humiliated that there are people who now think I am turning to mommy for help and am probably too irresponsible to handle a child of my own.

I understand that my mother means well. That's probably the only thing that's keeping me from completely blowing up right now. This is where I need the expertise of all of you out there who've been through this, or are going through it now. Did any of you do second parent adoption without a lawyer? Would any of you consider it? Everything I've ever read stresses the importance of using a lawyer for this. So before I tell my mother that going lawyer-free is not an option, I'd love to hear from the real experts on the matter.

Who's your daddy?

2010-02-17T14:18:00.003-05:00

Elizabeth and I finally got a chance to tell my younger brother he's going to be an uncle over the weekend. It was nearly impossible to keep the rest of my family quiet for an entire week, but I really wanted to tell him in person. We had plans to meet for dinner, so we used the same format we used for our parents- order food, then break the news. His reaction was quite funny and sweet. First he completely froze, with only his eyes moving from me to Elizabeth and then back again. He was waiting for one of us to crack and admit we were joking. After what seemed like an eternity, he said "really?" and I nodded. Immediately, he motioned for the waiter and ordered two glassed of champagne. I showed him the ultrasound pictures, and he got a little quiet. He pretended to be looking at something in the distance out the window, but Elizabeth and I could both see he was tearing up. We pretended not to notice.

Like everyone else we're told, the first thing my brother asked was about who the father was. We explained that it was an anonymous donor from a sperm bank who our children would be allowed to meet when they turned 18. He asked question after question about the donor- how did we chose, what do we know about him, what is he like. To be honest I wasn't expecting everyone to have so many questions about the donor right away, and I'm not sure how to go about answering them.

I've always been very private about our donor choice on the blog. I've seen multiple instances where a blogger with a particularly cute child will have random bloggers ask for her donor number! That's just creepy if you ask me. I think that giving out too much info about your donor on a blog just opens a door and asks all of the crazies to come in.

But what about my family and friends? I'm finding myself hesitant to give them too much information on the donor too. Maybe it's just a residual hesitation, from all those months of keeping quiet on the blog. Maybe there's something more at play. I think that some of my hesitation comes from the fact that I know so little about the donor myself. Sure I have a baby picture and essay and medical history, but that's really not much. If I start printing out the donor profile for my friends, they'll know as much about the guy as I do. I have to admit, I think I'd feel a little strange if a random friend knew as much about the donor as our own child did. I've been feeling a need to protect that information, so it will belong to my children before it belongs to anyone else.

Is this unusual? How has everyone else handled questions about their donor?

P.S. on a completely unrelated note, has anyone else had problems with the Lilypie tickers in Blogger? I finally felt confident enough to make a ticker, but it keeps getting stuck.

Breathe...

2010-02-08T12:47:00.006-05:00

For the past two weeks, I have been a bad blogger and a bad commenter. I was so nervous about the 12 week appointment and breaking the news to my family that I was instantly hit with writers block anytime I tried to think about anything baby related.

The ultrasound on Friday went very well. Though I'm glad they took my blood pressure afterwards, because I'm sure it would have been elevated due to nerves had they taken it before the ultrasound. Both babies were mellow through about half of the exam. Then the ultrasound tech announced that Baby A seemed to be waking up. Let me tell you, A was not at all happy about being woken up. It scratched it's little head in confusion, and then flipped around a few times trying to get comfortable again. Once again, Baby B had a much quicker heart rate- 178 bpm and A was a bit calmer at 160bpm. Everything looked perfect, and we confirmed that the babies are fraternal and not identical.
For the first time in 12 weeks, I feel like I can breathe. I know that there is no magic date you can cross off the calendar and be guaranteed that everything will be okay. Still, I'm taking a great deal of comfort in passing this milestone.

(another poor quality picture for your viewing pleasure!)

Immediately after the scan, Elizabeth and I packed up the dogs and drove up to Connecticut to break the news to our families. We tried to use some of the creative ideas suggested, but in the end nothing worked. (We couldn't find frames we thought they'd like, the dogs wouldn't sit still for a picture, etc.) We arranged to meet both sets of parents for lunch at a place of their choosing. Fortunately, they get along remarkably well and it didn't seem unusual that we'd be meeting them together for lunch. After everyone had ordered and there was a lull in the conversation, I confessed that we had a motive for bringing them all together, and just came out and said that I was pregnant. As predicted, they were all shocked. Our mothers got very teary and high pitched. My stepfather smiled and gave us a congratulations. Elizabeth's dad sat in stunned silence for a moment. Every time he looked like he was going to say something, he couldn't get the words out so he just smiled and shook his head. They asked a few questions, and then Elizabeth's mother asked if we had heard the heartbeat. No, I told her, we heard heartbeats. It took her a moment to realize what I was saying, but my mother got it right away. So did the waitress, who jumped right into the conversation and told us about her own twins.

Once we told our parents, the news spread faster than an STD on prom night. Our mothers had to call all of their siblings and friends. After keeping this such a closely guarded secret for so many months, it feels strange to have so many people know. There are still a few people who don't know because we're waiting to tell them in person, but for the most part our secret is out.

In other big news, we've finally come up with nicknames that we think will work. It was actually my stepfather who came up with them. Upon hearing about their wildly different heart rates, he said "It sounds like you've got an espresso and a decaf". So from now on Baby A with the slower heart rate will be known as Decaf. Baby B, the little overachiever with a fast heart rate who tried to make an identical twin for him / herself will be referred to as Espresso.

The Big Tell

2010-01-29T11:52:00.003-05:00

We still haven't told anyone I'm pregnant. Unless you count the doctors of course, but I'm sure they would have figured that out on their own. We didn't tell a soul we were TTC, so nobody has been watching me carefully for weight gain or sudden food aversions. I'm 11 weeks along, and realize that we need to start telling people soon. It's only a matter of time before I start showing. After keeping this secret for so long, it's going to be strange finally tell.

I'm pretty sure that the parents have no idea. I was on the younger side when I realized I was gay- about 12 years old. It was the early 90's, and I didn't know of any gay people who had children. I decided that as a defense mechanism, I should just pretend that I was indifferent to children. That way, it would hurt less when I never had any of my own. As I grew older, I saw that some gay people did in fact have children, but they seemed very few and far between. Knowing that there was no guarantee I'd end up with someone who also wanted children, I kept up the act through college. My mother has started referring to herself as "grandma" when she talks about our dogs. I think I played the part so well that she's given up any hope that I'll ever have kids. I'm a bit worried that I kept up the act so well that my family sees me as someone with no maternal instincts- the kind of person they can't picture with a child.

Elizabeth and I are planning to drive up to Connecticut one week from today to tell our parents. We will have had our 12 week ultrasound that morning, so hopefully we'll have some good pictures and good news to share. We're lucky that they only live about 45 minutes from each other, and they get along incredibly well. It won't be a problem to get them all together and tell them at the same time. The problem is, we're not quite sure how we're going to break the news. Do we just come out and say "we have something to tell you" and then give them the news? Do we try something cute or creative? How did you break the news to your family? What about friends? Did you put much thought into the order you told people? Did anyone know you were trying? How far along were you when you told? I know, that's a lot of questions, but I'd love to hear from anyone who wants to share!

Hospital tour #2

2010-01-27T22:38:00.003-05:00

We were officially released from the RE on the day of our 8 week ultrasound. Our OB told us that we wouldn't be having an ultrasound again until 12 weeks. I freaked out a bit about this. It was very easy to get used to weekly ultrasounds at the RE. I joked with Elizabeth that I should go to the emergency room and say that I had been bleeding in order to get another ultrasound. Of course, I would NEVER actually do that. I don't want to take up space in a busy ER. And I'm also a bit superstitious. It's like that rule that you never fake a funeral in order to get a day off work.

Well on Sunday I started bleeding. Bright red. Serves me right for even joking about lying to get another ultrasound. I called the OB to see what I should do, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound the next evening. I had barfing butterflies in my stomach all day long. When I hopped onto the table, the ultrasound screen was turned in such a way that I would not see it at all. But Elizabeth could see the screen, so I just watched her face. After a few seconds, her eyes welled with tears. She mouthed the words "they're moving!" to me. And indeed they were. After a few minutes, the tech flipped on a TV screen in front of me. Baby A had heart rate of 164bpm. Baby B (formerly known as C) had a heart rate of 176bpm and was wiggling away. I think B is going to be our wild child. The scan didn't reveal any bleeding near the placentas or anything else abnormal. The OB is convinced that it has something to do with the empty third sac. Apparently, it's common for women with an empty sac to experience bleeding.

Tonight, we had our tour of Medium Hospital. I was a bit nervous since the hospital has Saint in its name. Fortunately, it was nothing like I expected. Although it's a Catholic hospital, they have a kosher kitchen too, which I take to be sign that they are very inclusive. The nurse who led the tour was fabulous. She used the word "support person" instead of "husband". Elizabeth appreciated this so much that she thanked the nurse after the tour. Unlike the nurse at Small Hospital, the nurse at Medium Hospital actually smiled and made eye contact with Elizabeth. Medium Hospital also has one of the top NICUs in the state, something that's very important for me with a twin pregnancy. They encourage babies rooming-in, breast feeding, and immediate bonding between mother and baby. But the nurse also stressed that they respect the mother's wishes and don't make judgements. If the mother wants to bottle feed, nobody is going to push her. If the mother just wants to sleep and would like the baby to be in the nursery for a few hours, that's okay too. Overall, I just got a much better feeling about Medium Hospital. And it didn't hurt that the nurse pulled me aside and told me that since I'm having twins, I'm all but guaranteed a private room. Two tours down, one to go!

Jealousy, Jesus and Hand Sanitizer

2010-01-21T12:15:00.004-05:00

It's only Thursday, and already it's been a long week. Yesterday was my first appointment with the OB. I'm happy with the practice we chose. The nurse who saw was spectacular. She needed no explanation of our relationship and seemed totally at ease working with a same-sex couple. She kept referring to us as "youse guys" - as in hey, if youse guys decide you want more kids, you should make her go next. She also decided that Elizabeth needed a job, and gave her a journal so she could write everything down at the appointments. The OB may or may not be on the team. Either way, we liked her. The exam itself was much shorter than I had expected. At my request, she tried to find a heartbeat/s with the doppler. She warned me that 9.5 weeks was a little on the early side, and I shouldn't worry if I couldn't hear anything. She was able to pick up a heartbeat sound, but not two distinct heartbeats. She told me not to worry, that it's still early. Why do doctors always tell you not to worry when they know that you absolutely will?

On Monday we did our first hospital tour. There are 3 possibilities in the area that I'll refer to as Small, Medium and Large. Monday night was our tour of Small Hospital. When we made the tour reservation, we were told to meet by the piano, and only my husband was allowed to come with me. Grrrr. As the wives and their husbands began gathering around the piano, it was clear that I was the least far along of anyone. ALL of the other women had big beautiful bellies, so I began to feel a bit out of place.

The nurse who led the tour made it seem as though the only things we need to get through pregnancy, delivery and childrearing are Jesus and hand sanitizer. Every time we passed one of the hand sanitizers on the wall, she used it and took the opportunity to remind us about germs. She didn't speak too much about the other amenities available at the hospital, c-section rates or anything like that. Just the hand sanitizer. As the tour was about to end, she told us that the most important thing it to find faith before we have children. And that she should know because she has 11 herself. Yes, she did say that it was her opinion and not the opinion of the hospital, but it still turned me off a little. I don't want to have to worry about some rogue nurse trying to convert me while I'm in labor.

I have also been dealing with a lot of jealousy and anxiety this week. It started when I had the 8 week ultrasound. I googled more pictures of 8 week ultrasounds, and all of the babies look bigger and better than mine. Then I started googling belly shots. It's amazing how big some of these women are at 10 weeks (I'm 10 weeks today). Most of them are only pregnant with one. I'm not showing at all, and I've supposedly got twins in there. It makes me worry that there is something wrong- that I've lost one or that they aren't growing properly. And it makes me jealous. I wonder if this is just the beginning of the jealousy some people feel as parents. Jealous that their cousin's baby crawled earlier. Jealous that the 4 year old down the street speaks two languages fluently and plays the violin. Jealous that their neighbor's teenager is polite. I am trying very hard to work on this jealousy, because I know it will be unhealthy for a child. But I still can' t shake the anxiety that there's something wrong. The days until my 12 week ultrasound are just going to drag by.

****

ETA - I don't want to come across as anti-religion. I have very deep respect for all of the religious people in my life. But I wasn't raised in any religion, and haven't become religious in my adult life. I just don't want the hospital staff to judge me as an unfit parent for that.

To Doppler Or Not To Doppler

2010-01-12T13:55:00.003-05:00

We finally have an appointment with an OB scheduled for the 19th. We picked the place we did because it is a large-ish sized practice with many doctors. I want to be sure that if I have any problems I'll be able to get an appointment quickly. Seeing so many different doctors at the fancy fertility clinic got me very used to the idea of dropping my pants for anyone with a speculum. I'm more concerned with being able to see someone than seeing the same person each time. Besides, it's still early enough that I can change my mind if I really hate this practice.

I think the fertility clinic has turned me into a very needy, coddled patient. I just found out that I will not be getting an ultrasound at my appointment on the 19th. That has me a bit freaked out. I am still sailing through this pregnancy almost entirely symptom free. Sure, I've been filling up quicker at meals, have a new found love of ketchup, some minor food aversions, and have fallen asleep on the couch a few times. But really, nothing major at all. You'd think I would be grateful, but it actually makes me nervous. It makes me worry that something is wrong- that one or both of the babies has stopped growing. I don't think I'll feel confident about this pregnancy until I am sending a healthy, well adjusted 18 year old off to college.

So my dears, this is where I need your advice. I am very much on the fence about getting a doppler. On the one hand, it could ease some of my fears. On the other hand, it could make me more obsessive. I'm not even sure how a doppler would work with twins, and if I'd be able to distinguish between 2 heartbeats, etc. How many of you out there use a doppler? If you do, is there a brand you recommend? For those of you who decided against the doppler, what are your reasons for not getting one?

Trading in the H0nda

2010-01-09T21:00:00.006-05:00

"You're going to have to buy a mini van!" Those were the doctor's last words to us as he left the exam room grinning after our very first ultrasound (5w2d). Well folks, Friday's ultrasound (8w1d) revealed that we will not need a mini van after all. It looks like we'll be trading in the H0nda Acc0rd for a station wagon.

Baby B stopped developing between 5 and 6 weeks. Baby A and Baby C on the other hand looked great. Baby A had a heartrate of 176bpm, and C clocked in at 178bpm. They are both measuring on target. Two perfect little gummy bears. Twins.

(sorry for the crap quality- it's a photo of a small grainy printout, but you can see two!)

Elizabeth and I are absolutely elated to see these two doing so well. And honestly, we're not devastated over the loss of B. Any sadness we might feel is tempered by the knowledge that twins have fewer health risks than triplets. I won't have more babies than arms...or breasts. There's a chance I won't need a C-section. I won't have to take out a loan to buy diapers. Two babies seem downright manageable if you've gotten yourself prepared for 3.

Graduation Jitters

2010-01-06T14:11:00.005-05:00

This Friday is my 8 week ultrasound at the clinic. It is also my last appointment there. Ever. As in, I will graduate to the OB after this appointment. The OB where real pregnant women go. The only problem is, I still feel like an impostor. It hasn't quite sunk into my thick skull yet that I might actually be...you know...that p word. I had heard from others who had long TTC journeys that it might take a while to sink in, but I wasn't expecting it to take this long. I mean, I've seen heartbeats for crying out loud, but I still don't quite believe it.

I don't feel ready for my final exam. I've gotten used to lots of appointments, and constant attention. Although it's not a label I enjoy, I've even gotten used to being a bitter infertile. I've spent the last year and a half of my life with these people. I have to admit, I'm going to miss them just a bit. Some of them. Did anyone out there do anything for their doctors / nurses upon graduating to the OB? I was thinking of getting something small for our nurse at the very least. She has been our primary contact person from day one, and has been so patient with all of our fretful phone calls and silly questions. If any of you bought gifts, what did you buy? I have no idea what is appropriate, or how much to spend. Maybe I'll bring some treats to be placed in the coffee area too. My only concern -and I know this might be a bit paranoid- is that the doctor won't see anything at my next appointment. I'd hate to show up to the clinic grinning and carrying a load of donuts only to leave sobbing. Maybe I'm being crazy. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I start with the initial high of a good appointment. As the days drag by until my next appointment, I become more and more anxious, worried that my next ultrasound will reveal bad news. This is far more difficult than any TWW.

So now I begin the task of trying to find an OB. I think I know which practice I'm going to chose, because their doctors have delivery privileges at the 3 hospitals closest to me. Hopefully I'll find someone I like there. It's as good a starting point as any, I suppose. I feel so unprepared to graduate into this big world!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T21:21:00.003-05:00

Wow. 2010 already. My 2009 was consumed almost entirely by TTC. It was a trying year indeed. But when I look back, I think the thing I'll remember most is not the heartache or roller coaster of so many BFNs, but the support from my wonderful, beautiful Elizabeth.

She has patiently and lovingly dealt with all my ups and downs this year- some of them hormone induced, some of them pure frustration. She remained optimistic, even when I was unable to do so. She has oh-so-slyly swapped wine glasses with me so our friends and family wouldn't pick up on the fact that I wasn't drinking. She has attended dozens of boring appointments. When she saw that her mother was planning on serving sandwiches for lunch she pretended that she really wanted her sandwich grilled, so that I could have my sandwich grilled too without arousing suspicion. (you know-the whole listeria thing). She has showered me with raw milk cheese and other forbidden foods as a consolation after each BFN. She has asked all of my pressing medical questions in Dr.Google, and filtered out the horror stories that would make me crazy. She has worn her lucky penguin socks to every appointment since my retrieval. Now that I've finally gotten a BFP, she has indulged my every craving. When I saw ice cream on TV today and said it looked good, she had her coat on within seconds to run to the store to pick up a pint.

So to all of you non-gestational moms out there, I hope you know how much you are appreciated. Elizabeth, you are everything to me. I don't know how I would have gotten through this last year without you. I love you now more than ever.

Scan #2

2009-12-29T20:29:00.003-05:00

I have been bad about commenting other blogs lately. Sorry about that. Last night I had a major freak-out. I have had some spotting ever since my positive beta. (This is where I put in the obligatory apology for the possibility of TMI to follow. ) Usually it's light in color- pale pink or brown. It only happens when I wipe, and is about the size of a kernel of corn. But last night it got bright, bright red, and was the size of a half dollar. I was scared enough to call the answering service at my clinic. They told me all I could do was relax with my feet up, so that's what I did.

My second ultrasound was this morning. I hardly slept at all last night, and was the second person into the clinic in the morning. The three gestational sacks were visible immediately, and they've gotten much bigger since my first scan. I'm happy to report that the doctor easily found a 122 bpm heartbeat in sac A. She then moved over to sac C, which had a heartbeat of 124 bpm. I'll admit, I teared up when I heard the whooshing of those tiny fragile hearts. Sac B is a bit of a mystery. The doctor wasn't able to clearly see anything in the sac, but she really wasn't sure. She said that the position could just be making it difficult to see anything. My next scan is on Jan 8th, when I'll be 8 weeks. Hopefully by then they'll be able to get a clear picture of B. Honestly, I'm okay with any outcome for B. As it is, I'm over the moon about hearing 2 heartbeats. If they both stick around, I'll be happier than I could ever put into words. If I see three heartbeats at my next ultrasound, it will be scary and overwhelming but also amazing.

What's really puzzling me is the fact that I still have no symptoms. I am 6w5d today, and my beta came back at nearly 67,000. How am I so completely oblivious to what's going on in my body? There are at least 2 beating hearts in there, and I don't feel a thing! I think the lack of symptoms are making it harder for me to believe that this is real. I'm still not associating that p-word with myself. I don't really want to wake up and puke, but it would make this seem a bit more real.

Holiday insanity

2009-12-28T10:25:00.003-05:00

It's been a crazy few days. Christmas has always been about rushing around for me. My parents are divorced, and so are my grandparents. That means seeing a LOT of people in a very short amount of time. People who like to make you feel guilty for leaving their house for another house. Throw the in-laws into the mix, and holidays are total insanity. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time in the car than I do with the people I'm trying to visit. If nothing else, it was a good distraction. My second ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow. This is the one where they'll be checking for heartbeat/s. So far, I've had no symptoms at all. I know the lack of symptoms didn't mean anything last time, but it still has me on edge.

Now that I'm back home, and have internet access again, I'm off to catch up on blogs. I hope you all got pregnant while I was away!

Longest. Week. Ever.

2009-12-21T21:23:00.003-05:00

The 1 week wait between beta #2 and beta #3 / ultrasound #1 was far longer than any TWW. Probably the longest week of my life. The last beta took place on 23dpo. I didn't have any symptoms, so my suspicion was that an ultrasound would reveal only the shadow of a gestational sack that had been reabsorbed. I was happy to see that Dr.B, my favorite doctor, was doing the ultrasounds that morning. He's a bit softspoken, very gentle, personable and reassuring. If there is anyone I would want to deliver bad news, it would be him.

By the time I was stripped from the waist down, I was visibly shaking. Elizabeth did her best to calm me before the doctor came in, but to no avail. Dr. B saw how nervous I was, and reassured me that they were just looking for a gestational sack that day. He inserted the dildocam and I saw nothing. He moved it around a little more, and I thought I saw something, but then he moved away. Back and forth he went, muttering to himself and looking at the screen with a furrowed brow.

"How many embryos did we put back?" he asked

"Two", I told him "that's all I had left".

"Hmmm" he said and squinted at the screen some more, "are you sure they put two back?"

"yes, two" I repeated

"Okay," he said after a moment, "because I'm seeing three".

Ladies, I nearly fell off the table. I will admit that I dropped the f-bomb, quite audibly, in the exam room. Both embryos took, and one had the nerve to divide. I am so excited to finally be pregnant, but scared to death about the idea of triplets. I know it's still early. The scan was at 5 weeks 2 days. I could lose any or all of them. Anything can happen. I've spent the past 48+ hours in a total daze. This is the last thing I was expecting. I had prepared myself for the possibility of twins. But triplets? When only 2 embryos were transferred? The chances of that happening were less than 1%. I'm a bit overwhelmed with emotions of all sorts right now. On the 29th, I go in for a second ultrasound when they'll be looking for a heartbeat / heartbeats. I'm so glad I have Christmas and a new dog to keep me distracted. Until then, I can safely say that this is the coolest Christmas present I've ever gotten.

meme

2009-12-18T19:11:00.005-05:00

I was tagged about a million years ago for this meme by bao in the oven. I had been saving it for a time when I really needed distraction or a post topic. So, thank you Mama Bao, having this meme to complete meant that I only spent 90% of my work day typing things like "5 weeks no symptoms" into Dr. Google. I'd like to tag a few other bloggers who are in need of distraction or blog topics. I'm tagging Mommies in the making, Half a dozen of the other, and Woes of a barren lesbo.

1. What is the color of your toothbrush?

Green. I always buy green toothbrushes.

2. Name one person who made you smile today.

Elizabeth

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?

Unlocking the doors at work

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Packing things up for a UPS delivery.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Reeses, Twix and Crunchies

6. Have you ever been to a strip club?

Once, in college. A friend’s girlfriend was working there and we went to support her.

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?

“No, sorry” when someone asked if a phone had been turned into our lost and found.

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

Pistachio or hazelnut gelato. I also had a really amazing blackberry rhubarb sorbet at a place called Scoop and Crumb in Brighton. It was like I had found the sorbet I’d been searching for all my life.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Gingerbread flavored herbal tea. It was the only non-caffeinated, artificial sweetener-free beverage available at a work party

10. Do you like your wallet?

It’s okay. I could really use some more space for cards. I always forget to use gift cards because I don’t have enough space to carry them all in my wallet.

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Pizza, at the work party.

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

Nope

13. The last sporting event you watched?

Went to a Yankees game in August.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Either doused in Franks Red Hot, or with truffle salt and parmesan cheese.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

Elizabeth.

16. Ever go camping?

Not nearly enough.

17. Do you take vitamins daily?

T@rget brand prenatals, hidden inside a regular multivitamin container. I have nosy friends, and I don’t want them finding prenatals in my medicine cabinet.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

I’m not religious at all.

19. Do you have a tan?

Currently, not so much. The short days and fluorescent lights at work don’t help the situation.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

Very tough question, since there are so many variations. I love our regular Chinese restaurant, because they always give us the REAL menu. But bad Chinese food can be spectacularly bad. I suppose if I had to choose between bad pizza and bad Chinese food, I’d take the bad pizza because it would be the lesser of two evils. Good pizza vs. good Chinese food? It completely depends on the day.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

I don’t really drink soda.

22. What did your last text message say?

I parked on Huntington St. and am about to walk over to the party. I am so glad we don’t live there anymore.

23. What are you doing tomorrow?

Having a holiday cocktail / hors d’oeuvres party, and having my 5 week ultrasound. Please please please let them see something!

24. Favorite color?

Green

25. Look to your left; what do you see?

The UPS shipment I just packed up.

26. What color is your watch?

Silver.

27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”?

My spoiled brat cousin. She’s spending the second half of her junior year abroad in Australia, because she thinks of it as a free vacation. She’s already behind on credits at school because she doesn’t put any effort in. She likes the image of being a vacant sorority girl. Going to Australia will put her even further behind academically, but she doesn’t care because Mommy and Daddy are paying for her to go to college.

28. Would you strip for money?

Usually I pay a $15 co-pay for the privilege of stripping from the waist down.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

I only go into fast food places if I need to pee on a road trip.

30. What is your favorite number?

35. I decided a while back that when I hit 35, my life would be going in the direction I want it to. We’ll see.

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?

Elizabeth called and asked if I needed anything from the grocery store

32. Any plans today?

Make red velvet cupcakes and 3 kinds of truffles for our party tomorrow. Start prepping d’oeuvres, walk the dogs.

33. In how many states have you lived?

3. I lived in Connecticut and Massachusetts before I lived here.

34. Biggest annoyance right now?

The cold weather.

35. Last song listened to?

Dunno. Some Christmas song at a work party.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Not without some serious concentration. I’m screwed if I ever get pulled over and they suspect I’m drunk.

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?

Ha!

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Black flats.

39. Are you jealous of anyone?

The uber-fertile, homeowners, people who have the means to travel whenever they want.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?

I used to think not, but then I found out that a lot of our friends are jealous that Elizabeth and I are in a stable relationship and have our shit together more than they do. And for these people, owning a vacuum constitutes having your shit together.

41. Do you love anyone?

Of course. It makes me so sad to think that someone might answer no.

42. Do any of your friends have children?

Just one. My friend Angela has 9 and 12 year old boys. I absolutely adore those kids. The 12 year old has a picture of our dog on his f@cebook page. How cute is that?

43. What do you usually do during the day?

Work, procrastinate, walk the dog, cook, read, snuggle.

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

My mom always told me that hate is a very strong word. Some people annoy the crap out of me though.

45. Do you use the word hello daily?

I’m more of a “hey” kind of girl.

46. What color is your car?

I think it’s called desert sand. It’s that not-quite-gold color so popular with cars made in the mid 90’s

47. What size wedding ring do you wear?

Never had a wedding, don’t have a ring.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

People I still need to buy Christmas presents for.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

Not since it was called Riverside.

50. How did you get your worst scar?

My only scar is a really little one on my knee, from trying to shave my legs when I was too young to know how to do it properly.

The new dog

2009-12-15T18:19:00.002-05:00

I can't even begin to tell you how much last week's positive beta caught me by surprise. With all of the spotting, and the total lack of symptoms, I was so sure that my period was starting. I was so sure that this cycle was a flop that Elizabeth and I started searching petfinder for another dog. A consolation prize to take my mind off a second failed IVF. We were actually in the car bringing the new dog home when I got the call that my beta had risen.

So far, everything is going very smoothly with doggy number 2. She's a 2 year old, supposedly boxer lab mix who was found as a stray. She was brought to a kill shelter while pregnant with 11 puppies. The puppies were adopted, and she was sent to a foster network. So far, she's gotten along incredibly well with our 6 year old boxer/jack russell mix. She's a cuddler, and takes treats very gently. I'm wondering why we didn't do this sooner.

(Tillie's petfinder photo- how could we say no to that face?)

Tillie has been an excellent distraction, which I very much need this week. I had my first blood draw on Thursday, 12/10. The next one was on Saturday, 12/12. My third won't be until Saturday, 12/19. I will also have a 5 week ultrasound that day. I am starting to freak out. Waiting a whole week between beta #2 and beta #3 seems like a long time. Did anyone else have to wait this long? I might not be as nervous if I actually felt pregnant, but right now I just don't. I have no symptoms whatsoever. That, combined with the spotting and my past performance at trying to make a baby has me a little pessimistic about what will happen at my ultrasound on Saturday. Bad news in the privacy of your own home is one thing. Bad news when you're up on a table stripped from the waist down while a doctor is poking you with a dildocam is another. Either way, come Saturday I'll know if Tillie is a distraction dog, or a consolation dog.

I didn't wait for her to sing

2009-12-12T13:00:00.003-05:00

I had to go for my pregnancy test on Thursday. There are few things more frustrating than going for a blood draw when you already know it's going to be negative. I almost canceled but I knew that the information they got could be valuable for the next round. While I was waiting for the draw, the phlebotomist was talking about the show "I d1dn't kn0w I was pregnant". She said that if she ever walked into a doctor's office in pain, and the doctor said "surprise, you're pregnant" she would shoot herself. The two other women waiting to have blood drawn and I tried unconvincingly to laugh.

After the blood draw I went into work for a little while, and then had to go to a brunch that the head of my department was having for all of the team leaders. One of the men brought his 2 1/2 year old son. I did my best to act disinterested. Pretending I'm just not into kids has always been one of my best defenses. After the party, I stopped at home to let the dog out. There's nothing like a dog to cheer you up when your feeling down. By this time, the spotting had become bright red, so I really needed some puppy therapy. I took much longer than I should have getting back to work, but my immediate supervisor is very laid back about that sort of thing.

When I got into the office, there was a voicemail from Elizabeth. She sounded like she had been crying. "Check your yahoo account" was all she said. I checked it, and there was an e-mail from my nurse at the clinic with the subject line YAY!!!

My beta came back at 148 for day 14.

I can not even begin to tell you how much I was not expecting this. Enough that I called her back and told her that there must be some mistake- that the phlebotomist probably mixed the vials up. I argued that I was spotting, and that I had no symptoms whatsoever. She practically had to hit me over the head to get me to reluctantly accept her congratulations.

These last few days have really put me on edge. I kept waiting to start bleeding full flow. My heart was in my throat every time I went to the bathroom. By the end of the day on Thursday, the spotting had tapered off. The spotting could have died because my nurse put me on estrace. I'm still not sure if the estrace is just delaying the inevitable arrival of AF.

My second beta happened today. Elizabeth and I talked a lot about the possible outcomes of this beta. The total lack of symptoms combined with the fact that I was still spotting a bit had me convinced that todays test would show a drop in beta levels. We decided that one positive beta was the furthest we'd ever made it, and that alone was a victory. It was a sign that maybe there was still hope for me having a baby after all. Just before lunchtime, a different nurse called back with the beta results. There was no emotion in her voice. I tried to remember my promise to myself, to be happy that I had gotten just one positive beta. But the emotionless nurse said that my day 16 beta was 324.

So I suppose my previous post was a bit premature. It's not over till the fat lady sings. But I was so dead sure that I was going to get another negative. After 11 negatives, I was expecting to feel something dramatically different on a positive cycle. I don't want to get too excited too quickly. I know that two positive betas does not equal a baby. I know how quickly this can all slip away. I know that there are many of you who are still struggling and will read this and feel that punch in the gut. You'll wonder why the fuck it was me and not you. I've been there so many times. Half of me feels like this is not really happening and I'll have an early miscarriage at any moment. The other half feels unworthy and guilty that there are still so many people out there struggling- so many people that deserve this more than I do. I suppose all I can do at this point is take each day that AF stays away as a victory, and cheer the rest of you on until it's your turn.

One Dozen

2009-12-08T22:09:00.002-05:00

I heard she was in town. I knew she'd stop by sooner or later. That no-good bitch Aunt Flo. She'll be here any day now. Like anyone who has been trying too damn long to have a baby, I have a habit of looking at every piece of toilet paper I use. Only someone this practiced at BFNs would have noticed the faint pink tinge on the paper. I wish I could post some good news for once- nobody likes a downer. It's hard not to be depressed after 2 failed IVF cycles, and 12 total BFNs. I am crushed.

IVF round 2- now with 50% more pineapple!

2009-12-02T20:46:00.003-05:00

I had my transfer today. Once again I was pushed to day 6. And once again, there were only 2 embryos to transfer, and nothing to freeze. It makes me very concerned about my egg quality. Out of 26 eggs retrieved, only 2 were good enough to make the cut. I'm trying my best to stay optimistic. The embryos from this cycle look much bigger than the embryos from last cycle. The doctor who did the transfer said they looked good. He wasn't able to give me anything more detailed than that. I have to wait until after my pregnancy test to make an appointment with my doctor for a full embryology report.

Overall, the transfer went very quickly and smoothly. The embryologist was able to get them into the catheter on the first try. At my last transfer, she was chasing them around the petri dish. It looked like she was crushing them. It was an incredibly nerve wracking thing to watch, especially when you're flat on your back with your legs in stirrups and a speculum poking out of you. My bladder was full enough so the doctor was easily able to locate the best point for transfer. It's so cool to see the tiny white flash on the screen when the embryos are shot out of the catheter. The only awkward moment came when I was being wheeled out of the procedure room. The nurse who brought me back to my bed asked me if I was flying solo that day. I looked confused, so she rephrased - your husband couldn't make it today. I couldn't think of a witty comeback, and just said "SHE is standing right behind you" and pointed towards Elizabeth. It never ceases to amaze me that so many people at the clinic assume I'm straight. Elizabeth thinks that people are just thrown off by my long hair.

The rest of my day consisted of resting on the couch watching Wife Sw@p, eating my weight in pineapple. Fun times. I still haven't decided if I'm going to call out sick tomorrow and take another day of bed rest.

Why I missed the Macy's parade

2009-11-28T10:18:00.002-05:00

Thanks to everyone who gave suggestions for excuses for being late to Thanksgiving dinner. I ended up faking a migraine (I had a migraine once in college and now my mother thinks it's a regular problem for me) and added a car accident blocking traffic for good measure.

The nurses at my retrieval were incredibly sweet. One made small talk as she got me prepped for surgery. She was the first person at the clinic to ask me if my family had any idea where I was at the moment. I told her no, and explained our plan of faking a migraine as a way to explain our lateness. It would also get me out of drinking. She thought it was brilliant.

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that the doctor known for being quick was preforming the retrievals. I'm also thankful that I'm pretty quick to come around from the anesthesia. As soon as I was aware of my surroundings, I made every effort to prove that I was alert and ready to go. I sat up straight in the recovery bed rather than lying down and relaxing. I tried to be a bit louder when I spoke to Elizabeth, so the nurses would hear that I was awake. My nurse came in a few minutes later to ask the standard questions- "how are you feeling?", "on a scale of 1-0, what is your pain level right now?", "can I get you anything to drink, we have...". The nurse only got to "how are you feeling?". I replied with a big smile, "I feel great, no pain at all, and I'd like a cranberry juice and some shortbread cookies please". She laughed at my eagerness to prove I was ready to go, and did her best to hurry things along. As I was leaving, she called out "I hope your migraine feels better!"

There was miraculously very little traffic as we sped off to my aunt's house. Although we didn't get there until 1:45, I sorta wasn't the last to arrive because one of my cousins was sleeping upstairs and didn't show her face until 2:30. My family bought the story, and seemed genuinely concerned that I was feeling okay. To top it all off, there was a big bowl of fresh cut pineapple sitting on the kitchen counter when we walked in. Maybe it's not a sign, but it sure made me happy.

So now I begin TWW #12. Half to occur outside my body, and (hopefully) half to occur inside my body. The total number of eggs retrieved was 26. Of the 26 eggs, 16 fertilized. They did ICSI this time, so I'm not sure if that means the egg quality was poor. Has anyone else out there gotten pregnant when ICSI was done? I hope I can produce quality and not just quantity!

STFU

2009-11-25T08:19:00.002-05:00

STFU- or, speak the fuck up. That's my new mantra for any interaction with a doctor. At my last IVF cycle, my eggs took a really long time to fertilize because apparently they were immature. I'm convinced that the early retrieval was one of the biggest factors contributing to the failure of that cycle. During my consult with the RE, I asked if I could stim for a few more days and trigger when my follicles are about 20mm, rather than triggering at 16-18mm. I felt confident that I could handle the extra growth, because my follicles were usually about 25 when I triggered on the unmedicated cycles. My doctor agreed and put a note in my file.

On Monday I went in for a scan and had a good number of follicles in the 15-17 range. The doctor said that I should trigger that night, and come in Wed for the retrieval. The old Gayby Rabies would have just trusted the doctor and done the shot that night. But not the new Gayby, who has vowed to live by STFU. I patiently reminded the doctor- the same one who put the note in my record in the first place- that we had agreed I'd stim a little longer before triggering. She played around on the computer for a minute, and then found the information about my last cycle. She agreed to let me stim a little longer, and I'm feeling more positive about this cycle.

So the good news is that upon triggering, I have a number of follicles that are 20mm and above. The bad news? My retrieval is scheduled for 11am on Thanksgiving Day. I'm still not sure how I am going to pull that off. I still haven't told my family we're TTC. Somehow, I have to get from the clinic to my aunt's house- which is 1 1/2 away without holiday traffic- in time for Thanksgiving dinner. They can't know why we're so late. I think I'm going to have to take a page from the book of my crazy co-worker and come up with a wild excuse. Please just let this be the last time I have to lie to my family.

Wait...I had a blog, didn't I?

2009-11-22T20:34:00.002-05:00

No, I am not lying in a ditch somewhere. It's just been a busy couple of weeks. Two weeks ago, I started lupr0n. It made me extra emotional this time around. EVERYTHING made me cry. I was listening to a story on NPR about the 40 year anniversary of Sesame Street, and when they played the theme song I started crying. When my grandfather showed me a tattered picture of himself holding a bawling two-week-old me that he's been carrying around in his wallet for 30 years, more tears. When someone in my office was brewing a particularly good smelling coffee, I welled up a little because I miss coffee so much. It was an interesting week alright.

I've also been very busy at work. November is normally a busy time in an academic library, but it's been particularly bad lately due to lack of coverage. One co-worker in particular is absolutely ridiculous. She's out once or twice every week and gives the most ridiculous excuses. Once she called out for two days because the check engine light came on in her car. Another time she called out because she dropped her keys in the snow. And another time she called out because she claimed to have gotten whiplash from looking at an accident on her way to work. Last week, she claimed to have hurt her foot on Thursday morning. She put on a really terrible fake limp whenever she thought someone was watching her. On Friday, she called out because she claimed that her foot was in so much pain that she couldn't focus. While it's funny to hear what kind of excuse she's going to come up with next, it's irritating that I have to pick up so much of the slack. When am I supposed to blog if I have to spend the whole workday working?

Fortunately, the weekend was much better. Elizabeth and I went to see Superior Donuts, which was one of the best shows I've seen in a while. We got some Christmas shopping done, and found out that our dear friend Angela, (who has been through breast cancer and a messy divorce / custody battle recently) is getting married this summer to one of the sweetest men I've ever met. In TTC news, I've been stimming since Monday. My follicles are coming along slowly but surely. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have a Thanksgiving day retrieval!

Now I'm off to catch up on what the rest of blogland has been up to.

San Diego, anyone?

2009-11-04T19:46:00.003-05:00

This year, the big annual history nerd conference is in San Diego. In addition to research presentations, the big draw of the conference is the job interviews. All of the universities that are hiring send representatives to the conference to conduct loads of interviews over one very hectic weekend.

Since she's currently doing a one year post-doc, Elizabeth is on the job market this year and will be attending the conference. We were thinking that we could extend the conference weekend to a full week vacation. Given that our vacation budget has been almost entirely eaten up by our TTC spending, this could be our only vacation of the year. The only problem is, I'm not incredibly enthusiastic about San Diego. I've got nothing against the city, it's just that it's not a place I've ever had a burning desire to visit. This is where I need your help, dear reader. Is there anyone out there from San Diego who can make a pitch for their hometown? Maybe some of you have visited San Diego, and can tell me why it's a great vacation spot. Or perhaps it's a place you found disappointing. Besides the zoo, is there anything that makes it a great destination?

The alternative to both of us going to San Diego is that Elizabeth will go just for the days that she has interviews (fingers crossed that she has some!) and will share a hotel room with another nerd. I'd stay home and chill with the pooch. We'd then try to dig up the money to do a small-ish vacation to someplace we're both interested in visiting.

So...what can you tell me about San Diego?

ETA... the conference in in early January. We were also wondering if anyone knows what the public transportation is like there, as we were hoping to only rent a car for any side trips we might take.

Halloween parties and pity parties

2009-11-01T21:34:00.004-05:00

It's been a wild weekend. On Friday, we had a Halloween costume party. Planning the party kept me busy during the time immediately after BFN #11, and it was a very pleasant distraction. As usual, I made too much food. I made the B@kerella cake pops in ghost shapes, which were a lot of work, everyone loved them. I also made cupcakes, and profiteroles with pumpkin mousse and homemade caramel sauce for dessert. All of the desserts went over well, but unfortunately nothing went as well as one of the appetizers. Since there were kids at the party, I wrapped hot dogs in strips of puff pastry so they looked like mummies. The adults went wild over them. I don't know why I even bothered putting an effort into the rest of the food. Where the hell did I find these friends?

mmm, spooky

Elizabeth and I both bought vintage 1950s dresses, and dressed up as "housewives having an affair with each other" for the party. We had a costume contest and gave everyone silly prizes from the dollar store. The grand prize winner got a snuggie. Even the dog got into it. Okay, maybe she was dragged into it. I'm not one who normally buys clothes for the dog, but since we were having a party, and it was on sale, I just had to do it.

Our turtle dog waiting for someone to give her a snack. I am officially one step away from becoming a crazy cat lady.

Waiting for party guests to arrive

This was the first year we have lived in a neighborhood with families and children, so it was our first year with trick-or-treaters. We had everything from the slightly bewildered 2 year old mermaid to the 13 year old zombie whose father kept a close, but not too embarrassingly close watch over his son. One little girl spent 5 minutes petting our dog before she remembered that she had come to our apartment for candy. She got two bags.

Maybe it was seeing all of those children that sent me spiraling downward. I want that so much. I want to make halloween costumes for my children and pretend I don't notice that they're sneaking an extra piece of candy before bedtime. But I've had to come to terms with the fact that there is a very good chance that I won't ever have that. I think I hit rock bottom this weekend, wondering why some women get this so easily, and why I failed IVF. Why don't I deserve to be a mother? I spent most of today crying. And then I got even more upset with myself for having such a pity party. How can I bitch and moan about my rotten luck, when it could be much worse. I could live in Kabul or have ebola or have had a miscarriage. I know I have no right to complain, but I'm still sad.

All dressed up but not quite ready to go

2009-10-23T19:17:00.003-04:00

Thank you. Yeah, you. Your support and kind words meant so much. It was probably the only thing that kept me from curling up in bed and hiding under the covers for a week.

I had braced myself for the worst at my consultation on Wednesday, but overall I think it went well. My doctor thinks that I responded perfectly to the protocol they used. The real problem was in the fertilization. Apparently, it took a long time for my eggs to fertilize. Some of them didn't fertilize at all, most likely because they had been sitting around in the petri dish too long. The eggs that did fertilize grew slowly, and were on the small side even when they reached blastocyst stage. My doctor does not believe that this is a sign of poor egg quality, but that I was triggered too early. Even though the follicles looked big on the ultrasound and the hormone levels came back at the right level, my eggs are just a bunch of teenagers with fake I.D.s. They might pretend to be mature, but they're really not.

I am frustrated that my eggs were retrieved so early. Back in the day when I was doing unmedicated cycles, my follicles were in the 26-28mm range when I got a positive OPK. At my first medicated cycle, I was told that I'd trigger when I had a follicle at 16- 18mm. I questioned the doctor twice about this and reminded her that my follicles got much bigger than that. But she insisted that 16 was mature, and I figured that I wasn't one to question the experts. Of course I've spent the past few days wondering if my IUIs failed because the doctors have been triggering me too early the whole time. On the other hand, I'm really hoping that the immature egg theory is the only reason why I'm not pregnant yet. That seems easy enough to fix.

Today, I went in for my day 3 scan and bloodwork. Around noon I got the call that everything looks okay. So tonight, I took a birth control pill and started IVF round 2. Bring it on.

I need ice cream

2009-10-19T21:28:00.003-04:00

You know that kid who can't seem to knock a single bowling pin down, even when there are bumpers in the gutters?

Yeah, that's me.

I've been hesitant to write this post, because nobody wants to be a Debbie Downer. Everyone in blogland has been so sweet, cheering me on. I'm saddened and embarrassed to say that I've hit BFN #11. Even when doctors take my eggs out of my body and dump 'em in a dish with sperm, then put the embryos back into my body , I can't seem to make a baby. This was supposed to work. I don't know what went wrong. I made 18 eggs and the saline sonogram shows that my uterus is in great condition. Sometimes, I worry that I keep getting negatives because I'm a bad person- that this is some kind of punishment because I forgot to give to NPR or something like that. (I'm not religious, so I don't know who or what I think is doling out these punishments.)

I was lucky enough to get a follow up appointment with my doctor for this week. I hope she can shed some light onto why this happened. Gonna go eat some ice cream now.

Questions answered- part 2

2009-10-18T21:00:00.010-04:00

Bao in the oven asked:

Because I'm also partnered to someone who will eventually (fingers crossed) have a PhD, my question is about how the two of you see your careers relying on each other's. In other words, will y'all move wherever her career takes her? Are there places she won't even consider because you couldn't find a job or wouldn't want to live there?

I've let my career take a back seat while Elizabeth worked on her PhD. I always figured that I would decide what I want to do once she's gotten a job somewhere. I think part of the reason I've been hesitant to explore what I really want to do job-wise is because I don't want my career needs to conflict with hers. It would be hard if I found an ideal job here, but she was offered a tenure track position in California. Our plans to have a family together have a huge impact on where we're willing to live. She's not applying for jobs in places like Alabama or Oklahoma because we don't want to deal with laws that would be hostile to our family situation.

what is your favorite food memory?

Favorite food memory #1 is every Thanksgiving with my family. It's 3 days of non-stop eating. Every time you turn around, someone is putting out a dish of marinated long stem artichoke hearts or good cheese, etc. When Elizabeth and I were trying to figure out how we were going to handle spending holidays together, the only thing I wanted was Thanksgiving. I told her that we could spend every single other holiday with her family as long as we got to do Thanksgiving with mine.
Favorite food memory #2 is when Elizabeth took me to Blue Hill at the Stone Barn Center for my birthday 2 years ago. First we had a tour of the beautiful grounds and had the chance to sample tomatoes and green beans straight off the vines. Then we had lunch in the restaurant. During the summer they just bring you plate after plate of whatever is good and fresh that day. Everything we ate was grown / raised on the property, and every bite was perfect.

What's your dream vacation?

I would love to be one of those people who just sells her house and spends a year traveling the world. Of course, this is very much a dream because I don't even have a house to sell!

and a question from Libberal:

What are you favorite foods, and why?

I particularly love trying food from different places because I think it's so interesting to experience different flavor combinations and cooking methods. When I was about 10, I was visiting a nearby city with my mother and we passed an Ethiopian restaurant. I asked if we could try it, but she already had dinner plans. I continued to pester her for over a year to go to the restaurant, but she always said no. Then one day, she went with some friends and decided that she didn't like Ethiopian food. I gave her the cold shoulder for a week because I was so mad. I knew that without my mother to give me a ride, I'd have to wait until I got my drivers license to try Ethiopian food!
I love almost all food. Sometimes when I'm bored I'll go through the alphabet in my head and try to come up with my favorite food for each letter. I love dosas and vada and bhel puri and rasam. I love pho and tiny rice noodles with bbq pork and mint. I love pad kee mao and red curry. I love black curry and kotthu roti and and chicken biryani. I can stuff myself silly with rice and peas and plantains and oxtail. Tamales and tacos al pastor make me swoon. I love things that are terrible for me, like rillets and salumi platters and duck confit and cheese. You would know there is something wrong with me if I ever turned down ice cream. I love raspberries because there were raspberries growing in my yard as a child and I think they taste like sunshine. If I had to make a very general statement about my preferences, I'd say that I lean towards Asian and Latin American / Carribean food, and I like bold flavors.

Justine from Figboiler asked:

*what's on your to-do-before-40/ 50/ death (you name the deadline) list?

Besides having a baby? I would love to lear how to play any kind of musical instrument. I want to own a home. I want to find a career that I love.
My silly, and very doable to-do-item is to eat an ice cream cone with at least 3 scoops of different flavors.

*if it were all expense paid, where would you go on vacation?

I'd probably go to India, since it's so different from anyplace I've ever been and I know I'd like the food. Or maybe I'd bum around Europe for a while like all the rich kids do after they graduate.

*what's your favorite: dinner, treat, splurge, standby dinner? included recipes will be happily accepted!

My favorite dinner is anything that anyone else cooks for me. It's not because I'm lazy, but because I think cooking for someone else is a very loving thing to do. It makes me so happy to think that someone cares about me enough to put the effort into cooking. My favorite treat is good cheese. After each BFN, I buy myself little consolation prize of raw milk cheese. My favorite splurge is truffle salt. It seems like an insane amount of money to spend on a tiny jar of salt, but a little goes a long way. If you sprinkle it on popcorn with some butter and freshly grated parmesan cheese, people will think you're a genius. My standby dinner is red curry. I always have coconut milk and curry paste in the house, so it's a good way to use up any veggies or meat left over in the fridge. When I do parties, I tend to cater to the least common denominator since some of my friends are very picky. My turkey burger sliders (some of my friends don't eat beef) always go over really well. The secret is crushed chipotle peppers and worcestershire sauce.

*what are you doing with your days/ nights now that you aren't allowed to use google?

I saw a play the other day and did lunch with my brother. I went to a birthday party for my friend's son. I made caramel apples, and I am trying to figure out my halloween costume for the party we're throwing.

Journey Towards Our Baby asked:

1. Who is your favourite artist, and if you have one what is your favourite piece of art.

I don't have one favorite, but I love anytime art comes out of the museum and into the community. It can be anything from the orange gates in Central Park to a dragon made out of sand at the beach in San Francisco. I love anything that breaks the monotony of everyday and makes you think or smile.

2. If you could see any musician in concert, alive or dead, who would it be?

As odd as he was in his later years, I really wish I had gotten the chance to see Michael Jackson. When he was good, he was really good and you can't deny that he was incredibly influential. And I think his music will always be associated with our generation. I imagine my children will be shocked to learn that I never went to a Michael Jackson concert.

And last but not least, a question from Poppycat:

- What are three things you always have in your kitchen Gayby?

Like you, I always have a dog waiting for anything to fall on the floor. I always have lots of condiments- Elizabeth will put hoisin sauce on anything. I always have a giant hunk of parmesan cheese for grating.

- Describe your favorite pair of shoes and and tell us why you love them.

Ok, here's a picture of my favorite shoes:

I love them because I think they're cute, and I get compliments on them whenever I wear them. They have also led me to other pairs of shoes. They may be cute, but they are horribly uncomfortable. I made the mistake of wearing them when I was in London last year, on a day when we were doing a lot of walking. When I couldn't take it anymore, I just walked into a store and bought a cute pair of flats!

Your burning questions answered, part 1

2009-10-16T14:16:00.004-04:00

Because inquiring minds want to know...part 1 of your questions answered!

From alimis:

You have mentioned that you job is not your ideal job, so I am curious, what is your job and what would you rather be doing every day instead?

My current job is in an academic library. When Elizabeth got accepted to grad school, I needed to find a job quickly to support us both. I had library experience and this job was available. I’ve stuck with it because the benefits are good.

I’m not really sure what my ideal job is. I didn’t have much direction in college, so I always worry that I don’t have the right background to get a better job. At the moment, I think it would be really cool to do one of the edible schoolyard projects or maybe something with urban agriculture. The only problem is that I have no experience in agriculture or education, so that's not an option unless I go back to school.

From Metalstork:

How did you meet your partner?

We met in college. She was a sophomore transfer student and I was a senior. I would see her in the living room or the dining hall of our dorm and thought she was cute. I tried to get any information I could about her from mutual acquaintences. Everything I heard about Elizabeth made her seem like someone I’d really like. Suddenly I turned into a shy middle-schooler. I made a blabbermouth mutual friend of ours tell her that there was someone who was interested in her just to gage if she was interested in being in a relationship. We had a coffee date a day or two later. I was smitten, but I didn’t know how she felt. It was the week of Valentine’s Day. On Valentine’s Day eve, Elizabeth and I were studying in the living room of our dorm with about 6 other people. After Elizabeth went to bed, I put a bouquet of flowers and a card outside her door letting her know that I really liked her. I thought she’d find it in the morning, but she found it later that night and came running back down the stairs to the living room. I wasn’t ready to deal with rejection in the event that she wasn’t interested in me, so I pretended to be asleep on the couch. She shook me “awake” to make plans for a second date.

From Adventures in BabyMaking:

What did you both want to be when you grew up? How many siblings do you have?

I wanted to be a writer. My favorite subjects in elementary school were reading and creative writing. I thought that because I wrote really long stories, it meant they were very good. Elizabeth wanted to be a singing hairdresser. I’m not sure how she thought that would work out. Elizabeth can NOT sing. I'm not kidding. Even when she tries to hum a tune, I can't tell what it is.

I have 1 brother who I grew up with. We’re a year apart. We fought all the time as kids, but get along pretty well now. My father had an affair when I was about 5, and got another woman pregnant. (my mom promptly kicked him out) So I also have a half sister who is 6 years younger than I am. She lived with her mom and my father about ½ hour away from us until my sister was 4. Then my sister and her mother moved from Connecticut to Indiana. I used to see her about 1 or 2 times a year, but then it became clear what a jerk my father is and he would only pay to have her fly out about every other year. I have trouble staying in touch with my sister because she moves around a lot and doesn’t always give me updated contact information. She’s struggling a lot, because she has never had a strong adult in her life. Her mother is very unstable. The whole situation makes me very sad.

3...or is it 2.5dp6dt

2009-10-12T20:59:00.009-04:00

After the nurse told me that they got 18 eggs at my retrieval, I spent the rest of the day floating along on a fluffy little cloud of optimism.  The next day, I got the call that there were 6 eggs developing normally.  (I've been hesitant to put that number on my blog, because posting it makes it real, and it depresses me to know that 2/3 of my eggs were just no good)  Still, I tried to stay optimistic.  Fine, I won't be the next Michelle Duggar, but I can match the Bradys.  If they all stayed on track, 2 embryos for the upcoming transfer, plus 4 to freeze wouldn't be too bad.  The following week was torture for my impatient self.  Patients at my clinic are told in writing not to call and ask about the progress of their embryos.  I hated not knowing if my embryos were good quality, or if there were any embryos left at all.   
At my transfer on Saturday morning the doctor whizzed into my curtained off area, handed me a photo of 2 embryos and said, "that's all there is, we'll do the transfer in just a few minutes" and then he was off.  The transfer itself was uneventful. But the doctor left just as quickly as he came in, so I didn't get to ask about the quality of my embryos.  Given that I went from 18 eggs down to just 2 embryos, I'm concerned that the quality is not so hot.    
I realize that I am very lucky to have made it to the transfer stage of the game.  I know that not everyone gets there, and I should be a bit more grateful.  Try as I might, I can't fight the pessimism.  It doesn't help that I don't have any symptoms yet.  I'm driving myself crazy by googling 3dp6dt, where I find nothing but women talking about how they all had horrible cramps by now.  And I've been googling blastocyst pictures, comparing mine to the ideal specimens featured on IVF websites.  I'm convinced that mine look strange.  I'm going crazy.  
In order to prevent a google induced meltdown, I'm going to copy some of the other bloggers out there and beg for distractions.  If anyone out there has any questions they want to ask, feel free to ask away!

Update....with no information!

2009-10-09T16:59:00.002-04:00

I've had a very difficult time getting any information from the clinic about the IVF process. It's getting quite frustrating. About 24 hours post retrieval, the nurse called and told me how many eggs were developing normally. I asked if there were any other eggs that had fertilized and stopped developing already, and she said she didn't know, but I could ask after my transfer on Wednesday. The nurse said that on Wednesday morning before 11, I'd get a call letting me know what time to come in for the transfer.

On Wednesday, the clinic finally called Elizabeth's cell phone at 11. The told her that my embryos were doing well, and my transfer had been pushed back to Friday for a 5 day transfer. She asked the nurse how many embryos were left, and the nurse said she had no information on the matter, but that we could find out after the transfer.

So today, I got up nice and early. I took a pregnancy test to make sure the trigger shot was out of my system. And then I called out "sick" from work. This is something I rarely do. I especially hate calling out sick on Fridays because I know it looks suspicious. But what can I do? I relaxed and had a leisurely morning at home with the dog. By 10:00 I was getting very excited for the impending phone call. By 11:20, I was frantic. I was sure that all of my embryos had arrested. At 11:30, I finally called the clinic to find out what was going on. Apparently my embryos are still looking okay, but are a bit slow to self select. I have been pushed back to a 6 day transfer. I tried once again to find out how many embryos are left, but the nurse had no information and said I could find out at the transfer.

Between not knowing how many embryos I have, how the embryos are doing, or when the transfer will take place, I am very frustrated with the lack of information from the clinic. Patients are not allowed to contact embryology. We live in a world where people can monitor their pets at doggy daycare via webcam. I don't think it's too much to ask to get an update on my potential future children.

Retrieval Update

2009-10-04T19:43:00.005-04:00

I had my retrieval at 11 this morning. I was a bit freaked out that all my follicles would have exploded or dissolved before I made it to the clinic. When the nurse took my vitals before handing me over to the anesthesiologist, my pulse and blood pressure were WAAAAY higher than normal. Elizabeth and I waited for what seemed like an eternity in my little curtained off hospital bed. Great, plenty of time for me to get even more nervous.

Finally, I was called into the procedure room. I remember the anesthesiologist putting an oxygen mask over my face and telling me to think of my favorite place. I remember him putting the drugs into my IV. I remember looking at the light overhead, and thinking "I hope this doesn't take long". And then Elizabeth was standing over me in the recovery room.

As soon as I was conscious, I felt some crazy need to prove how alert I was. While I was waiting to go into the procedure room, I had heard the people in the beds next to me, groggy and mumbling after they woke up. My control freak self said that I just couldn't be one of those crazy mumbling women. So I made a point of being super chatty with the nurse, which probably just made me seem like a weirdo.

Overall, the retrieval was much better than I expected. I haven't felt any pain or nausea, and was up and ready to go within 1/2 hour of being wheeled out of the recovery room. And they got 18 eggs! Now I am waiting on pins and needles for the phone call on Monday, when I find out if any of them fertilized.

Lucky duck socks in the recovery room

Knock me out, knock me up

2009-10-02T20:22:00.003-04:00

I'm tired. I've been getting up extra early each morning for the cattle call b/w & u/s appointments to check my response to the IVF drugs. My follicles have been plugging along nicely. Initially, I was told that my retrieval would happen between the 5th and the 8th. So you can imagine my surprise when I was told to trigger Friday night for a Sunday (the 4th!) morning retrieval. It's all happening so quickly. For the first time in months I'm feeling excited and optimistic. It's a very guarded optimism though. I know that things can fall apart at any moment. Just because I made a few eggs doesn't mean that any will fertilize, or implant.

I'm nervous about the retrieval. I've always been weirded out about being put under. When I was 12, and the dentist told be I'd need to have my wisdom teeth pulled someday, I freaked out. I was worried that, like people in sitcoms, I'd start talking and divulging secrets while under anesthesia. At 12, my biggest fear was that I would somehow reveal that I was gay. As if the moment my eyes closed, I'd scream "I love titties!" So while I'm no longer a closeted kid worried about coming out while drugged, I'm still a control freak. And the idea of being knocked out still makes me a bit uncomfortable. It's like being drunk in front of a group of sober people.

I, Pincushion

2009-09-28T21:56:00.005-04:00

My poor belly. I started stimming on Saturday, which brings me up to 3 injections per night. I'm finally getting a lovely pattern of bruises around my bellybutton. So far, I'm not feeling too much going on in my ovaries, which has me a bit nervous. My second ultrasound is tomorrow morning, so hopefully it will reveal that my ovaries are doing more than I can feel. For those of you who have done injectables for IUI and also done IVF, was the rate of follicle growth the same? I'm wondering if my follicles are just growing more slowly with the IVF drugs, and maybe that's why I can't feel much.

And for anyone who wants to compare notes, here's my IVF schedule:

8/31- 9/14- birth control

9/15- 9/19- birth control + 20 units lupr0n

9/20 - 9/25 - 20 units lupr0n

9/26- 10/01 - 5 units lupr0n, 15 units low dose HCG, 300 units f0llustim

10/02- 2 shots of 0vidrel

10/4 - retrieval

One year anniversary of the break-up.

2009-09-21T16:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Coffee,

It has been one year since we parted ways and I must admit, I still miss you terribly. I'm sure you were hurt and confused by the break-up. First I start seeing less and less of you, and then I stop returning your calls entirely. Believe me when I say it's not you it's me. You were my reason for getting up in the morning. You made me feel alive. At times I'll catch a whiff of your perfume on the air and I'll feel nostalgic for the old days, when we were inseparable. When I was having a tough day, you could comfort me like no one else could.
Sometimes I think we can still be friends. Maybe see each other on occasion. But I have to be honest with myself. I know that if I start seeing you a little bit, I'll want you all the time. I have no control when it comes to you. So for now we must remain apart, even though there are some days when I think it will kill me. But I won't ever give up on the hope of us being together again...someday.
*sigh*

Just say yes to drugs!

2009-09-15T22:54:00.008-04:00

This IVF stuff is really happening. I've been on birth control for a few weeks, and started lupr0n tonight. So here is the obligatory photo of my giant stash of meds. And this doesn't even include the needles.

Here is a picture of the needle for pr0gesterone next to a f0llustim needle just for comparison purposes:

And here's a picture of the pr0gesterone needle next to a railroad spike, again just for comparison purposes:

hint: the railroad spike is painted gold

(edit- okay all of you gutterminds, as soon as I posted this picture I realized that the railroad spike looks like a lumpy gold dildo. Why do I have a railroad spike you ask? Elizabeth's father has occasionally found the spikes when he is out walking the dog. He thinks they are very cool. Many years ago, on the first Christmas I spent with Elizabeth, her father kept sneaking off to the basement and returning with a silly grin on his face. Every time he opened the door, we could smell paint fumes. He wouldn't say a word about what he was up to. On Christmas morning, I got a small, clumsily wrapped package from Elizabeth's father with a card that said "You're as good as gold". Inside was a railroad spike that he had found the day before and painted gold. He has only found about 8 of the railroad spikes in his life, and given only a few away. So in his quirky dad kind of way, the railroad spike was his way of letting me know that I was totally accepted into the family. It's a little silly, but very sweet if you know the guy.)

The doctor decided to put me on metf0rmin even though I tested negative for insulin resistance because it supposedly helps egg quality. I'm willing to try anything at this point. Has anyone out there used metf0rmin? Did you have any side effects? The nurse told me to do a low-carb / high protein diet to minimize the side effects of metf0rmin. The low carb thing is no fun, so I might stop doing it and see how it goes. What about lupr0n? So far, I'm feeling okay but perhaps the side effects take a little while to manifest themselves. Anyone care to share their experience in the wonderful world of IVF drugs?

Just. Act. Normal.

2009-09-08T13:50:00.003-04:00

You know how it is when you have an inside joke? When you see something that is only funny to you and others who are in on the joke, and you smirk or giggle like an idiot? Well, TTC has become the inside joke between me and Elizabeth. The other day we were watching T0p Chef with some friends, and one of the chefs was making something with liquid nitrogen. My friend Leigh suggested that for the next episode, I make snacks for everyone using liquid nitrogen. The mere mention of liquid nitrogen causes Elizabeth to get a goofy grin on her face. "Where would we EVER get something like THAT?" she wondered aloud. Of course I know she's probably thinking about the time we threw a strawberry into the tank after a home insem just because we were curious. But normal people don't giggle when they see liquid nitrogen, so I played it cool as best I could.

Last week Elizabeth's parent's were visiting and her mother commented on a little hand painted bowl sitting on the counter. She picked it up to admire it further and complimented our good taste. Little did she know that this is the bowl that we used for all of our home insems. The bowl would be placed on the bedside table to hold the thawing vials so they wouldn't fall and roll under the bed or radiator. I thanked her, but with a stupid grin on my face. And then I caught Elizabeth's eye and nearly died trying to stop myself from laughing. It is not normal to laugh or avoid eye contact when someone compliments your kitchenware.

I am so terrible at hiding my emotions and keeping secrets. Why did I think I would be able to get myself knocked up without anyone finding out until I announced my pregnancy?

Bad timing

2009-09-01T20:15:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I went for my day 3 bloodwork and was given the go-ahead to start birth control. I was very disappointed to discover that they do not taste like pez. My nurse sent me a preliminary IVF schedule this morning. This is really happening, folks. The first few weeks of the schedule are easy enough to follow. It's the last week or two when things will be a bit up in the air depending on how I respond to the f.ollustim. As soon as I get a bunch of follicles at 16mm I trigger and then have the retrieval 36 hours later. The clinic usually does a 5 day transfer, but will go earlier if the embryos don't look very strong. Normally, I'd be okay to go with the flow, but there's supposed to be a family get together during the week in question.

My mother has been with a really great guy named Roger for close to 4 years now, and they've been living together for a little over 2. They're almost painfully cute together. He has a son and daughter, both a little younger than Elizabeth and I. Last October, my mother and Roger arranged a weekend at the beach for all of the children and their significant others to meet. It was a great idea, but the timing was hard. I had just gotten my first BFN in September. I ended up missing what should have been my second try to be at the beach. To make matters worse, Roger's daughter was there with her adorable 2 year old son, and she was visibly pregnant with her second. I was moping and feeling sorry for myself for the first BFN, and then had to watch my mother adoring her first grandchild, and doting on her pregnant stepdaughter. I'm not very good at hiding my emotions, so I know my mother picked up on my grumpiness. Unfortunately, she had no idea why I was in a foul mood, because Elizabeth and I have not told anyone we're TTC. So my mother probably though I was being antisocial for no reason, or that I was unwilling to accept new family members.

Now, my mother is planning a repeat of the beach getaway for this October. And it's almost certain that I'll need to be at the clinic that weekend, either for monitoring or retrieval. There's a very slight chance that the schedule will work out so that I can trigger on a Saturday morning, spend one day at the beach, and then race back to the clinic for the retrieval. But it's highly unlikely that it will work out so easily. No, I think the most likely scenario is that I pretend to suddenly come down with swine flu just before the beach weekend and have to back out. Yeah, I'm concerned that my mother might suspect that I'm faking the flu and get upset. I know this weekend means a lot to her, so I feel really guilty about the possibility of backing out at the last minute. I can only hope she understands, and forgives me once I finally get pregnant.

I've been tagged!

2009-08-27T12:26:00.024-04:00

I've been tagged by Sarah at "A Baby for Carter"! What fun, what an honor. I've been loving her blog lately because we're going to be starting IVF at the same time. Also, I can click between "A Baby for Carter" and "Carter Time" to look at all of the adorable pictures of her son. Go ahead, I dare you to look at those pictures and tell me you've ever seen a more handsome little guy.

So the rules as I understand them are as follows:

Link back to the person who tagged you. Done. Tag 10 other blogs and tell 'em why you love 'em. List 10 honest things about yourself.

It appears that most people on my blogroll have already been tagged, so I'm not sure I can come up with 10 blogs. I'm trying not to double tag anyone.

First I'd like to tag Lisa at "And Baby Makes 3" She has been giving me helpful, supportive comments from the beginning. I never knew I could feel so grateful for a person I've never even met. And I am so excited by her recent BFP!

Next, I'd like to tag Jersey from "Woes of a Barren Lesbo" She makes me laugh. And she's from New Jersey. What other reasons do I need?

Third, I'm tagging Keely over at "Schroedinger's Womb" because any coffee addict is a friend of mine.

Tag number 4 goes to "Mommies in the Making", because they seem very sweet, and they're on a small break, so they need something fun to post about.

Number 5 goes to "Figboiler". I love how open and honest and raw your emotions are on your blog. You have a way of articulating what so many people are feeling but can't put into words. Yeah, I know you're been tagged already. But there are TWO of you. So this is my way of making sure that Justine and Boo each give us 10 things. No splitting the list!

Sixth, I'd like to tag "Journey towards our Baby" Because I feel like I could have written a lot of their posts, and because they're hopping on the IVF train too. I thought I saw somewhere that they'd already been tagged, but now I can't find where. So, just to be safe I'm tagging you too.

Number 7 goes to Rachel at Single Mom Insanity. I've just started following your blog, but I already think you're cool. Plus, I was raised by a single mom, so I've got a great deal of admiration for all the single moms out there.

And finally, I tag anyone who happens to be reading this! If you're on my blogroll and I didn't tag you, it's because I saw (or thought I saw) you on another list and not because I don't love you. Any lurkers, or people who have not yet commented are invited too! This is fun.

10 Honest things about me

1) I don't think I'd feel any great loss if I never spoke to my father again.

2) My first celebrity crush was on Whitney Houston when I was 6 years old. Remember when music clubs (C0lumbia House, etc) would send you little stamps with pictures of all the albums you could chose from? I used to tear out the Whitney Houston stamps and save them. Oh, and Jennifer Beals too. After I saw Flashdance I stretched out the collars on all of my T-shirts and sweatshirts so they would hang off of my shoulder. My mother was PISSED!

3) I usually have a meltdown when I go clothes shopping because I hate my body. Therefore, I don't go clothes shopping very often. And then I get cranky because I have nothing to wear. I just can't win.

4) I have a thing for artificial watermelon flavor.

5) When I was 5 years old, I was in a Su.baru commercial. I think it's what made me gay.

6) My biggest pet peeve is people who have no sense of the world around them. People who talk very loudly on cell phones on public transportation, line cutters, people who walk 3 or 4 abreast on narrow sidewalks and don't move for people walking in the opposite direction- they all make me nuts.

7) The ASPCA commercials make me cry.

8) I wish that I had taken time off between high school and college, because I didn't get as much out of the experience academically as I would have liked. But I did meet the love of my life at school, so I suppose it was worth it. :)

9) I subscribe to 3 foodie magazines and I have a shelf full of cookbooks, but I rarely use recipes when I cook.

10) I am SO EXCITED to be starting IVF soon.

Shhh, I'm just an impostor.

2009-08-19T12:37:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling like a bit of an impostor in TTC blogland since I'm not actively TTC at the moment. I took August off to wait for a consultation with my RE. Now I have to take September off to prepare for IVF. I really don't know what to do with myself. I won't have anything TTC related to blog about for some time. I fear my readership abandoning me for more exciting blogs with betas and ultrasounds and belly pics. I am feeling restless and unproductive and boring.

When I started out, I thought I would get pregnant easily and have a baby by the time I was 30. But somehow that birthday snuck up on me last week, and I have to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't even able to get pregnant before I turned 30. I know, I know, it's such an arbitrary number. But 30 just feels so...grown up. Like I can no longer use the fact that I'm only in my twenties as an excuse for not having my life exactly where I want it. Ok, enough of that. I feel like I should offer you some cheese with that whine.

I am trying very hard to shake the negativity and restlessness, and come up with some things that are GOOD about waiting until October to try again:

*My poor little credit card will get a much needed break

*I have a better chance of having a summer baby. That would be great for Elizabeth's schedule since she's in the education field. And my summer baby would turn 5 just before the start of the school year, so he / she should be able to start kindergarten right away.

*If my first round of IVF works, I should be able to tell my family about the pregnancy at Christmas.

*I can make another half-assed attempt to lose weight before I get pregnant.

*I can wear loose winter clothing to hide the pregnancy during the early stages, so my co-workers won't get suspicious before I'm ready to tell them.

That's all I've come up with at the moment. If anyone else has taken a slightly longer break and wants to tell me how beneficial it was, I'm all ears!

Pulling out the big guns

2009-08-13T20:50:00.005-04:00

I had a consultation with my doctor yesterday afternoon to talk about why 3 home insems, 4 unmedicated IUIs, and 3 medicated IUIs have failed to get me knocked up. I was a bit worried that she would say I was a lost cause, but the meeting went well and was actually quite reassuring. This doctor is a tiny, bubbly-to-the-point-of-hyperactive woman who speaks about a mile a minute without pausing to take a breath. Fortunately, she had some good things to say.

One of my biggest concerns was that my short cycles on g0nal f were an indicator of a much larger problem. But the doctor assured me that since the injectables make your follicles grow really fast, they can speed up the rest of the cycle too. She said that all of the testing and ultrasounds they've done on me so far indicate that I should be able to get pregnant, and that there is nothing major that's "off". Her explanation for why I haven't gotten pregnant yet is that human reproduction is remarkably inefficient, and that under the best of circumstances, a couple having intercourse at ovulation has about a 20% chance of conception each month. My chances are reduced quite a bit because I'm using frozen sperm. As she put it "it's tough to be frozen and thawed". Poor little spermies. I know, it's a bit of a lame explanation. Part of me is happy with the idea that it might just be a crapshoot, that there might not be anything horribly wrong with me. The other part of me wanted her to find a small, manageable problem with an easy solution.

Her recommendation for the next step is IVF. We're fortunate that our insurance will now cover IVF since I've had so many failed IUIs. So it looks like we're hopping on the IVF train. I'm happy that we're moving forward, and that our odds will be much better. Still there's a small part of me that is absolutely terrified that we won't have any luck with IVF either. We're pulling out the big guns, and we can't step it up if this doesn't work. It's scary to be out of options. I'm sure that some of this anxiety is just jitters that will subside once I get over the shock of moving to IVF. Right now it doesn't quite seem real.

Never would I ever

2009-08-10T21:50:00.003-04:00

My consolation prize for BFN #10 was a visit to the bar with Elizabeth and our friend Alyssa. Alyssa has been away all summer doing research for her dissertation, so it was good to catch up. She told us about one of her friends who is trying to start a family and (gasp!) took fertility drugs. "You know they make those drugs from guinea pigs" Alyssa said. I had to stop myself from telling her that it's actually Chinese hamsters. (That's the fun of secretly TTC- you have to pretend you know nothing about the process).

"I would NEVER do something crazy like that to have a baby," she later asserted. Ladies, I almost choked on my beer laughing. I remember feeling exactly the same way before I started this TTC madness. I remember a time when I thought I would just adopt. I remember when I thought I'd get pregnant easily and wouldn't ever need fertility drugs. I can't pinpoint the moment when I knew that I wanted to try to get pregnant. I'm not sure when I became the type of person who would happily inject myself with something that may increase my risk of ovarian cancer just for the chance of having a baby. This journey sure will change you.

On Wednesday, I have a consultation with my doctor to see where I go after 10 failed inseminations. A big part of me is hoping that she'll recommend IVF, because somehow I've become the kind of girl who WOULD do something crazy like that to have a baby.

On to the toes...

2009-08-05T22:49:00.003-04:00

I have learned something about myself. G.onal F, when taken in higher doses, appears to make my cycles really short. This is my second time doing 150 IU and AF showed up on day 20 cutting my TWW down to just one week. The first time I did 150 IU, I had a 21 day cycle. For those of you keeping track, that's 7 IUIs and 3 home insems without a single BFP. 10 total BFNs. I have run out of fingers on which to count them. Guess I should start counting on my toes now.

I've reached a point where the numbers are hitting me hard. Getting up to the double digits is a big blow. Celebrating my 30th birthday without a BFP is tough. Hitting the 1 year of TTC in September is going to be hard.

Overall I think I've been taking it pretty well. I've tried to keep busy and focus on positive things. Moving has provided the perfect distraction, so I don't have too much time to dwell on the BFN. We've also had some unexpected good news. Elizabeth found out the other day that she got a postdoc, so we're incredibly relieved to know that we'll be okay financially next year. But the thing that has really kept me from wallowing was reading about these wonderful ladies who finally got a BFP! (congratulations!) Just gotta be patient, and it will happen for me too someday.

Movin' on up

2009-08-03T13:16:00.005-04:00

After 4 years of living in a neighborhood full of undergraduates, Elizabeth and I decided that we'd had enough. We spent all weekend moving to a new apartment about 15 minutes away from the old one. Both apartments are on the second floor, and neither building has an elevator. We have a lot of furniture for a one bedroom apartment and Elizabeth has buttloads of books. By the end of the day on Saturday, my legs were like jelly and every muscle in my body ached. Now I remember why I hate moving. Even our brains were fried. On our way home from returning the U-Haul, a car in front of us had a bumper sticker that said "If you enjoy your freedom, thank a vet". Elizabeth stared at the sticker for a while. "What the hell does that
mean?" she said, "that doesn't even make sense!" To which I replied, "Honey, you do know that they're talking about war veterans, NOT veterinarians, right?" Dead silence.

Anyway, our new apartment is so much nicer than the old one. For the first time in our lives, we have a dishwasher. And central air. Even though the apartment is by most standards ugly and dated, it feels positively luxurious compared to all of the other places we've lived. To top it all off, it's only 3 minutes away from our favorite dosa place. Really, what else does a girl need?

And now for your viewing pleasure, some photos from the apartment's web site:

The cabinets are crappy, but there are SO MANY OF THEM!

Someone put a lot of work into making the bathroom this ugly. I wonder if we can get a shower curtain to match the tile?

Number 10, done and done

2009-07-28T22:02:00.003-04:00

Insemination #10 is done. I triggered last Wednesday, and did the insems on Thursday and Friday morning. The counts were 16 million and 14 million for the new donor. I've been feeling a whole range of emotions this time around. Part of me is excited- I always feel a renewed sense of optimism when I change things up. It helps that the new donor has slightly higher counts than our old one. Another part of me feels defeated already. It's been nearly a week since the first insemination of this cycle, and I still don't feel anything. I don't feel any different than I did after any of the other 9 inseminations.

I think part of my concern is that I'm really not sure when I ovulated after the trigger shot. I've never been one to feel a distinct little twinge at ovulation, and my clinic doesn't do an ultrasound in between inseminations. My ovaries felt a bit sore later in the day on Friday and all of Saturday, so I'm worried that I ovulated too late after my insemination. It wasn't a sharp pain or a twinge or anything like that, it almost felt like a really full bladder except that it was my ovaries. The nurse at the clinic said that the soreness could be from my ovaries shrinking back. I'm not so sure. So for anyone out there who has done injectables, did you have a distinct feeling of ovulation? Anyone else feel sore for more than a day?

SF seeks Mr.Right

2009-07-22T20:57:00.004-04:00

The S of course, stands for shallow. Searching for a new donor has definetely brought out my superficial side. When Elizabeth and I were trying to use a known donor, or a donor that has identity release at 3 months, it was all about personality. Anyone who seemed like a nice guy was a potential donor in our minds. Appearance didn't matter all that much, we just wanted someone who would be good for our child.

But now that we're using a traditional sperm bank and our child will have to wait until s/he is 18 to meet the donor, we've given up on the Mr. Nice Guy. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but this time it's all about appearance. Anyone under 5' 11" is automatically out. (I'm only 5' 2" and I want to give my kid some chance of being tall). We're using Cal.ifornia Cry.obank, which lets you view staff impressions of the donors for free. If the staff member writing her impressions of the donor goes on and on about his sense of humor and politeness, I assume it's because she has nothing noteworthy to say about his appearence, so that donor falls to the bottom of my pile.

Sometime this week, the CCB website began listing "celebrity look-a-likes" for each donor. Each donor has about 3 celebrities that they supposedly resemble listed on their profile. One of our donors who had looked good up until that point received the ax because the celebrity he resembles is Tom Hanks. Yikes. (On a side note, the celebrity look-a-like feature did provide some entertainment last night. The website also lets you select from dozens of celebrities, and will provide a list of donors that look like your chosen celebrity. Is there REALLY anyone out there who wants a donor that looks like Chuck Norris? ). Anyway, I discovered this new feature just one day AFTER I had shipped two vials of our new donor to the clinic. Fortunately, our donor supposedly resembles some good looking celebrities.

At the scan this morning, I had a few good follicles, and my estradiol was at 876. So I trigger tonight, and have a date with my vials of Mr.Handsome at 6am Thursday morning.

¡Mierda!

2009-07-20T21:43:00.002-04:00

Thanks to everyone who weighed in on the vacation question. After reading your responses, I realized that it would be stupid of me to pass this up. When Elizabeth called Angela to confirm plans, we found out that the condo owner will actually NOT be away that week. That means there is only one extra bedroom in the condo, so there won't be room for us after all. Angela feels terrible about the misunderstanding, and Elizabeth and I are pretty bummed out too. The one good thing that did come of this is that we realized we really need a vacation. To where, we're not quite sure yet.

Should I stay or should I go?

2009-07-19T21:31:00.002-04:00

Our friend Angela just told us that she has access to a condo in Mexico mid-August. Her friend owns the condo, and will let her use it for free. Angela had a really rough year, from battling breast cancer to dealing with a crazy ex-husband. She has invited me and Elizabeth and a few other friends to join her at the condo so we can all relax and de-stress.

Elizabeth and I have been struggling all week trying to decide if we should go. We've been talking in circles. The more we talk, the more confused we get. We tried to make a pro / con list, but it got too complicated when we decided that we really needed to weight each pro and con. Of course, it could be a fun time, but there are multiple reasons why we shouldn't go. If the July insemination does work, I would be newly pregnant on vacation. I have no idea how I'd be feeling at that point. It might be miserable. If the July insemination doesn't work, I'd have to skip the August cycle because the vacation would possibly happen when we'd be monitoring or inseminating. And then there's the fact that we're really broke. Even with free lodging, the vacation will cost more than an insemination. So this is where I am seeking your advice. Is it too good an opportunity to pass up, or should we focus on the baby making?

Growing apart

2009-07-12T22:19:00.003-04:00

Last night, Elizabeth and I went out for ice cream with our friends Amanda and Leigh (not a couple...Amanda is VERY much into the guys). On the way home, Amanda went on a ten minute tirade about how she hates the way that friends from high school fill their face book pages with pictures and videos of their children. Amanda and Leigh agreed that there's nothing more boring than watching a video of someone's kid almost taking their first step, or seeing pictures of a baby falling asleep in her high chair.

That's the thing about being secretive about your TTC process. You'll get a very good idea of how people really feel about children / parenting etc. I suppose it's helpful to know in advance which friends will be truly supportive, and which friends will be rolling their eyes behind your back. We would be the first in this particular circle of friends to have children, so it's hard to predict how everyone will react if I do get pregnant. Unfortunately, I'm not predicting a lot of support from some of them. But on the other hand, we've been growing apart from some of these people for quite a while now, so it won't be a huge loss.

In TTC news, still no sign of AF, so there's a pretty good chance that my being away this weekend won't interfere with me trying again this cycle.

It pays to fail!

2009-07-06T13:48:00.003-04:00

I have finally hit the magic number- 6. My insurance company requires 6 out of pocket IUIs before you're deemed worthy of fertility coverage. Elizabeth and I spent the last cycle getting all of the paperwork in order and recovering our expenses a little bit. I'm frustrated that we've had 6 IUIs and no pregnancy, but thrilled that our G.onal F is only going to cost a $10 co-pay. After skipping a cycle, I'm very anxious to get started again.

Unfortunately, we might have to skip this one too. My mother has a catering business, and I've agreed to help her with a party on the 17th and 18th. It's good money, and we could really use the cash right now to chip away at some of the debt from my failures. This means that I'll be out of state two weekends from now. Since I'm doing a G.onal F cycle, I'm supposed to be at the clinic almost every other morning for u/s & b/w. My past 2 cycles with injectables have has me doing IUIs on the early side, usually day 11 & 12. Elizabeth and I played around with the calendar last night. It looks like if AF arrives today, I should probably be okay and will be able to get the insems done before we leave the state. If AF comes this Saturday, we'll probably be okay too... just as long as our doctor feels okay about me going 2 days in a row with no monitoring. If AF shows up on Wednesday or Thursday however, we're pretty much screwed.

So all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and wait. I really hope I don't have to sit out another cycle, as this is my last chance to get myself knocked up before I turn 30!

Awk-waaaard!

2009-06-29T15:34:00.006-04:00

We had a BBQ over the weekend to celebrate our friend Angela's birthday, our friend Mr. Fantastic's birthday and Elizabeth's dissertation defense. Usually it rains when we plan an outdoor party, but for the first time in about 3 years the weather held out. We crammed over 20 people into our tiny patch of dirt of a backyard, including 4 kids. I went overboard and made 3 kinds of ice cream cookie sandwiches- chocolate chip cookies w/ vanilla ice cream, peanut butter cookies w/ chocolate ice cream, and chocolate cookies w/ strawberry ice cream. They're so easy to make, but everyone is always very impressed by them. Some of the guests ate one of each!

Overall, it was a great evening. There was just one teensy awkward moment. Our friends Kelly and Janelle asked Mr. Fantastic if he would consider being a sperm donor for them. At the party. Right over the potato salad. Talk about putting a guy on the spot. First of all, Mr. Fantastic is VERY guarded about his private life. Just watching him clam up was uncomfortable. He is not the type of guy to casually discuss sharing his DNA in front of a large group of people. The whole thing was made even more inappropriate because this was the first time Kelly had met Mr. Fantastic. He used to live in the area and is close with Janelle, but he lives out of state now and only visits a few times a year. Kelly had known him for about 20 minutes when she asked him if he'd consider donating. He's a good looking guy, and Kelly was obviously picking him apart from the moment she laid eyes on him. She kept going on about how handsome he was, and that her jaw dropped when he walked into the room. Mr. Fantastic responded with a quick, "We'll have to talk about this later" and then walked away.

I hate to feel like a bad friend, but I hope that he says no. Sure, some of it stems from the fact that Kelly and Janelle don't even live together yet, and that their relationship is a bit rocky. Some of it is because Kelly's biological clock is loudly ticking, but Janelle is unsure if she wants kids. But the biggest reason why I hope he says no is also the most selfish, and hardest to admit.

About 3 years ago, out of the blue Mr. Fantastic told Elizabeth that if we ever wanted kids that he'd be OUR sperm donor. We were ecstatic. For the next two years we imagined our own features combined with his, dreamt of how wonderful he'd be with children, etc. So a little over a year ago when we decided that we would start trying soon, we reminded him of his offer. He didn't reply for months. Elizabeth finally checked in with him, and he told us that medically, he wasn't able to be a donor. We both respect his privacy, and didn't press the issue or ask for details, but there was always a part of me that wondered if the "medical reasons" excuse he gave was legit or just a way of trying to let us down easily. So if he does end up donating to Kelly and Janelle, Elizabeth and I will both be hurt. I think Elizabeth will be upset mostly because one of her closest friends wasn't truthful with her. I think I would be most upset that he chose another couple over us- that he decided we weren't worthy but they are.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself and assuming the worst. I want to give Mr. Fantastic the benefit of the doubt and believe he was honest with us. If Kelly and Janelle do pursue the matter further, I'm sure he'll say no. I was just unprepared for a conversation like that at our party, and unprepared for how I'd feel about someone else swooping in on the guy who was almost our known donor. The whole thing was just a little bit awkward.

An apology to Elizabeth

2009-06-26T12:28:00.004-04:00

And now for something completely unrelated to TTC...

We're moving in about a month, so I thought it would be a good idea to begin clearing out the freezer. It's full of little unlabeled containers of this and that. I thought I'd remember what everything was, but the contents of a number of the containers remain a mystery. I hate to waste food, so I decided to give the mystery containers to the dog, who will happily eat anything. So today I put a half portion of kibbles in her bowl, and topped it off with a small container of what I thought might be a butternut bisque.

Nope. It was curried chickpeas.

I got to leave for the safety of work as the dog was gobbling it all down. But Elizabeth- my poor Elizabeth- is stuck at home with the dog and her stinky puppy farts all day. Sorry honey.

Dr.Cupcake

2009-06-22T13:42:00.002-04:00

Elizabeth (a.k.a "cupcake" by a select few) defended her dissertation today. I'm pretty sure it went well. I tried to meet her outside the building with flowers, but she was heading out to lunch with her committee and couldn't give me any details.

I am so incredibly proud of her. She came into this PhD program without a Masters Degree and still managed to get her degree in 5 short years. She's way ahead of anyone in her incoming class- nobody else has managed to complete their dissertations in such a short amount of time. She's also managed to do a lot of teaching while writing, present papers at conferences, and get an article published. She's one of the smartest, most driven people I've ever met. Ok, I'm done bragging.

The completion of the dissertation has also been a bit stressful. The last 5 years of our lives have been built around this moment. We left a community we loved to come to this school. Elizabeth busted her ass to complete her dissertation early. Just in time for the stellar 2009 economy. The academic job market is always tough, but this year is particularly bad. It's not uncommon for there to be upwards of 300 applicants for a single position. Highly overqualified people are applying for entry-level assistant professor jobs. This doesn't bode well for people like Elizabeth. She was just a few months away from officially having her PhD when schools were hiring for the 2009 / 2010 academic year. There's no way a new grad can compete against someone who already has a book out.

Elizabeth did get few interviews- some at really good schools- but no job offers . It's been really tough on her self esteem. She's also freaking out that she'll have to work at St.arbucks or Bar.nes and N.oble in order to have income this fall. I'm hoping that she can get a last minute adjunct job at one of the many universities nearby. Maybe working part time and getting some more articles published would put her in a better position for jobs next year. This is definitely not where we planned to be upon Elizabeth's degree completion. But I suppose if I've learned anything over these past few months it's that life rarely goes exactly as planned, and you've just got to roll with it.

It's not you, it's me

2009-06-20T21:41:00.003-04:00

Since I've decided to switch clinics and sperm banks for my next cycle, I've got some breaking up to do. This is harder than I thought. I really loved the little sperm bank we were using. The director knows us by name, and was always friendly and helpful over the phone. Everyone at the OBGYN we used for the last two inseminations was wonderful. The doctor performed the IUIs for less than half the price of the fancy clinic. The nurse / receptionist bitched out our insurance company for denying us coverage for fertility treatment. It was the first time anyone has gone to bat for us.

So what do you do when you break up with the nice girl? You lie through your teeth. I am a chickenshit coward. I've told the clinic and the sperm bank that we're going to take a break from trying to get pregnant. That's the oldest breakup trick in the book. Tell 'em you need a little break and then slip off to the shiny new lover. I feel guilty, but I have to do what's practical. When I started TTC, I felt so strongly about staying away from fertility drugs, using the sperm bank with ID release at 3 months, etc. But I supposed I'm a fair weather lover, and I've cracked under the pressure of multiple failures. So... sorry little sperm bank and friendly OBGYN, but I've got to say goodbye. It's been fun, but dragging this out any longer would only hurt us both.

You're a bit early, ma'am

2009-06-14T22:19:00.003-04:00

On Friday night, 9 days after my IUI, I noticed a little spotting. "Aha, the elusive implantation spotting", I thought to myself. But by saturday morning, the spotting had picked up and AF showed up in full force later that evening. That means I had a 21 day cycle this month.

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, it's been truly helpful to me as I decide where to go from here. The 21 day cycle has me really concerned. As nice as this new doctor is, infertility is not his specialty. He scheduled my progesterone test for a full week after the IUI, which seems a bit late to me. So now I'm crawling back to the fancy clinic with my tail between my legs. Even though it felt like I was on a conveyor belt there at times, I realize that 9 failed attempts means that I really need the services they offer.

The big issue with going back to the fancy clinic is that we won't be able to use the sperm bank that has ID release at 3 months. It's been very hard to give that up, and I've spent a good part of the weekend feeling guilty. On the flip side, it has been exciting to look at new donors. I always feel a renewed sense of hope when I change things up. Still, it's getting harder and harder to muster up that hope. 9 failures is a lot. I don't know of anyone who has had 9 failures and still managed to get a BFP without switching to IVF. There is absolutely no way I can afford IVF. We can't switch carriers and try to get Elizabeth pregnant at this point because she's on the academic job market. Nobody wants to hire a pregnant professor. I am hoping beyond hope that changing donors and a little help from the clinic will be just the thing we need to get a BFP.

I feel pretty

2009-06-14T18:12:00.002-04:00

Notice anything different about me? Nope, I'm still not knocked up, but my blog is so pretty! I've been trying to make my own header, but had no luck as my computer skills are virtually non-existent. Then I noticed that all of the loveliest blogs had a little "header by calliope" button. So I finally put 2 + 2 together and clicked on the button. Before the weekend was over, I had a lovely custom made header. I highly recommend her to anyone who wants a really unique blog design.

The next station is...

2009-06-10T15:39:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I get off the train or keep on riding? I'm nearly a week into TWW #9, and I'm already pretty sure that this cycle is a bust. In my previous 8 attempts, I feel like I've always had a clear plan of attack in the event that I got a BFN. But now that I've gotten through 9 attempts (if you count the current) without a single BFP, I wonderif it's time to re-evaluate.
In a nutshell, here's what I've done so far:

Frozen Donor #1
*2 un-medicated IUIs
*1 un-medicated home insem
(switched at the urging of the clinic due to low-ish count)

Frozen Donor #2
*2 un-medicated IUIs
*2 un-medicated home insems
*2 IUIs with gonal-f

Am I crazy to think this will ever work for me? Should I just quit this TTC madness before I drive myself further into debt?

One of the lesbian conception books (I can't remember if it's Pepper or Brill) says that sometimes a woman and a donor are perfectly healthy and normal, but incompatible with each other. I'm not quite sure if I buy into that, but I am thinking of switching donors. If I do give up onthis donor, I will most likely have to give up on my sperm bank as well. I'm having a hard time giving up on my sperm bank because they release the identity of the donor when the child is 3 months old, which is something I was really drawn to. Sometimes I think I need to tough it out with this sperm bank because I'd love to give my child the opportunity to know his or her father from the beginning. Othertimes I tell myself to get practical and do what it takes to get the job done, even if it's not how I originally envisioned things.

If anyone wants to weigh in, I'd love to hear from you. How attached are / were you to a particular donor or sperm bank? What makes you stick with it or switch things up? I'm especially interested in hearing from some of the ladies who are taking the local train to Conceptionville. How many tries would you / did you give the guy to get the job done?

Going Solo

2009-06-06T09:37:00.002-04:00

Round 9 inseminations complete. Elizabeth is teaching two classes during summer session at the university, so this is the first time she was unable to come to an insemination with me. I was a bit nervous about getting there, since the new doctor is about an hour away, and I hate driving. But I had our brand new GPS with me, so I figured everything would be okay.

About 1/2 way into the trip, I realized that I would be making it to my 3pm appointment by the skin of my teeth. The new doctor likes us to have the sperm thawed when we get to the office, and I knew there wouldn't be time to start the thaw in the parking lot. So I pulled into a rest stop, right behind a pickup with a McCain Palin sticker and began fumbling around with the nitrogen tank. As clouds of nitrogen began filling the car, I am sure that the person in the pickup assumed I was a terrorist. I used the socks I had in my purse (because you never know when you'll be in stirrups) as gloves and removed the vial. Once again, I momentarily forgot that cars have windows and everyone could see me, I tucked the vial into my bra to thaw.

As I sped off, I remembered that Elizabeth and I had switched cars before the appointment, and she had the car with the E-Z pass. I was rapidly approaching the toll booths, and as usual had no cash on me. So I tried to dig around in Elizabeth's messy car and find enough change for the tolls, all while keeping my eyes on the road and making sure the sperm didn't slip out of my bra. Fortunately I managed to find enough change for the tolls, but as I was slowing down for the toll booth, the sperm began to slip in my bra. So once again, I momentarily forgot that cars have windows and everyone could see me, and I stuck my hand in my shirt and began re-adjusting the sperm. The people who had slowed for the tolls around me probably thought I was trying to save time by doing my monthly self exam while commuting.

I made it to the doctor's office just in time, and was able to hand my just-thawed sperm to the nurse. It was a bit strange to have an IUI done without Elizabeth by my side, but at this point the procedure feels so routine that I don't quite need the support like I used to. I think she feels much worse about it than I do. And so begins TWW number 9.

Bat boys and frat boys

2009-06-04T13:10:00.003-04:00

I looked out the window at work this morning, and saw what looked like a leaf fluttering in the breeze. I looked a bit closer and realized it was an injured bat. I know, most people think bats are gross or creepy, but I like them. Maybe I’m just odd, or maybe I’m such a champion of the underdog that I have to like the weird animals. Anyway, I instantly dropped what I was doing and ran outside with a cardboard box to try to protect the bat from being trampled by passersby. It looked like someone was about to step on her, but then he stopped and helped me get her into the box. I can tell I’m ovulating because as he was helping me I thought, “Hmm, he’s nice, he’s tall and good looking, I’d buy his sperm.” The bat is currently chilling in the box near my desk, waiting to go to the bat rehab center.

And on a completely different note...the university where I work lets staff take classes for free, as long as the classes don’t conflict with their work. So this summer I’m taking a theater appreciation class. I’ve always enjoyed going to the theater, so I thought it would be nice to learn a bit more about it, even if it is an intro level class with a bunch of undergrads.

Anyway, last night the entire class went to a play. The instructor was not there, as he had already seen the play. There was one scene in the play where one of the main characters kisses another man in a club. There is about a 2 minute flirtation scene between the two men. From the back of the theater, there was a loud outburst of laughter when the two men kissed. This was not mean to be a funny scene. Throughout the rest of the scene, there were very loud groans of disgust when the two men interacted. I was in the front of the theater, and the (very distinctly frat boy) laughter was coming from the back. True, it was a small theater, but I could still hear him loud and clear. I am absolutely positive that it was someone in the class who was making all the noise. I am sure I can’t be the only one who was offended.
So now I’m unsure of what to do. Part of me wants to tell the professor, because it was incredibly disrespectful to the actors and audience. If this class is about theater appreciation, this kid needs to learn how to behave in a theater. The other part of me feels like I’d be an immature tattle tale if I made a big deal about it. My next class isn’t until Monday, so I suppose I have time to think about it.

bored

2009-06-03T16:30:00.001-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I went to the new doctor’s office for a follicle scan. I have been doing 150 IU of g.onal F for the past week, and this was my first scan for this cycle. The new doctor is much more laid back than the fancy clinic, and doesn’t do excessive testing. The fancy clinic made me go in almost every day for u/s and bloodwork. I have to admit, after going for a whole week without checking my progress I was nervous that my results would be on either end of the extremes. Either my ovaries would be on the verge of explosion, or I’d find out that I hadn’t responded to the meds at all. Fortunately, I was right in the middle, with about 4-5 good looking follicles. The largest one was 20mm, and the others were in the 15-18 range.

He told me to trigger or on Wednesday morning, and go in for the IUI on Thursday afternoon. The fancy clinic always had me trigger at night, so I’d shoot up and then go to bed and not think about it. But triggering in the morning is totally different. I usually have trouble focusing at work, but today is especially bad. I’m going crazy trying to see if I can feel anything from the trigger shot. I know, it should take at least 24 hours for ovulation, but I’m impatient…and bored at work.

Are you stupid, or just an @sshole?

2009-05-30T21:23:00.004-04:00

When we first started TTC, we were told that our insurance covered fertility services. Then, in the time between the clinic required testing (STD screening, HSG, psych eval.) and our first IUI, our insurance company stopped covering our fertility services. We were not told about the change until I was leaving the clinic after my first IUI. Our insurance company had decided that I did not meet the criteria for infertility, so we would have to pay for everything out of pocket.

The eligibility requirements for infertility, as stated by the insurance company are as follows:

Infertility services are covered for any abnormal function of the reproductive systems such that you are not able to:

*Impregnate another person

*Conceive after 2 years if the female partner is under 35 years old, or one year if the female partner is 35 years or older, or if one partner is considered medically sterile.

*Carry a pregnancy to live birth

Excellent, we thought. We'll just write to the insurance company and appeal their decision not to cover us. After all, their policy seems to indicate that infertility is based on whether or not a COUPLE can conceive together. If I were with a man, I would automatically be covered if my husband was sterile. Since Elizabeth can't produce sperm, these eligibility requirements should apply to us.

We wrote to the insurance company, and about a week later they said that our case would be reviewed by the board, and we could make our case via phone during the meeting if we wanted to. So we did the teleconferenced meeting, and made a good case. Unfortunately the insurance company upheld their decision not to cover our IUIs, but told us we could do a second level appeal. We did a second level appeal to the insurance company, and a few weeks later got a letter back stating that our request to have coverage for IVF was denied.

Ummm, IVF? Where the hell did that come from? We were only asking for coverage for IUI, which costs a fraction of IVF. Of course we wouldn't expect IVF coverage at this stage of the game. So we did a third level of appeal, which required us to write to the State Department of Pensions and Benefits. We re-stated our original argument, but added the fact that the insurance company didn't even know what procedure we were going for, indicating that they weren't taking our claim seriously. The state wrote back a few days later, and told us that they were making the insurance company complete an expedited final review of our case. Apparently, expedited means tremendously slow, because it took 3 1/2 months for the insurance company to give their final decision. And guess what they said...

YOUR REQUEST FOR IVF COVERAGE HAS BEEN DENIED!

The insurance company should know that IVF and IUI are NOT interchangeable terms. So I've come to the conclusion that they're either really stupid, or else they're very intelligent, calculating @ssholes. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that somewhere along the line, an insurance company employee had "accidentally" changed IUI to IVF just so that the insurance company could deny our appeal. Why else would they continue to write about IVF, even after we'd made a point of correcting them on that? Maybe I've just seen one too many M.ichael M.oore movies, but I'm convinced that they're doing everything in their power to waste our time, string us along, and make us give up on the appeal.

Page 118

2009-05-24T21:02:00.002-04:00

Today is cycle day 1. Once I finished pouting, I did what I do every cycle day 1. I pulled out my copy of The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians, and flipped to page 118- the due date calculator chart. It's my way of getting back on the horse after a failed cycle. As sad as I am about another BFN, thinking about a new due date gets me excited about the next attempt. If this cycle works, my due date would be on my mother's birthday. I wonder if a grandchild counts as a birthday present?

Help Wanted

2009-05-23T14:24:00.002-04:00

As my 30th birthday draws closer and closer, I am coming to the realization that I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

When I went to college, I didn't focus on my studies as much as I should have. I chose the college primarily because it was a women's college. At 17 years old, all I was thinking about was getting out of my tiny hometown and meeting girls, and finding the love of my life. I did well enough in all my classes, but I wasn't really focused on what I would do with my degree. And I did meet Elizabeth at college, so my real goal of going to school was met. Shortly after graduation, a job opened up in the library of a nearby college. It seemed perfect, as it would allow me to stay in the area and wait for Elizabeth to graduate. As an undergraduate, my work-study job was in the library so it seemed like a logical choice.

I worked at that job for a few years, and then Elizabeth got accepted to a PhD program. We had to move a few states away, and I needed to get a job quickly. The university that Elizabeth had just been accepted to had some open library jobs, so I applied and was offered a position a few weeks later. Since the university offers tuition remission, I was able to go to school part time and get a masters degree in library science. Unfortunately, I realized about a semester into the program that I really have no passion for library work (academic libraries at the very least).

I've been feeling a sense of urgency lately to find a career that I'm passionate about. I think a large part of it has to do with the upcoming milestone birthday, and some of it is just good old fashioned burnout. But I think the most important driving factor is that we're trying to start a family. Whenever I do go back to work after having a child, I want it to be to a job that I care about. I think it's inevitable that the place you spend the better part of your waking hours will have a huge impact on your state of mind. My current job leaves me feeling drained, bored and uninspired. That's not the kind of person I want to be for my children. So now, in this terrible economy, I am trying to explore the job market and other possible career options. I'm a little nervous about being unqualified for anything new since all of my experience is in libraries. If there's anyone out there who has a job they love, I'd love to hear about it. I need some ideas and inspiration!

Vacation

2009-05-19T11:17:00.004-04:00

I'm spending the second half of the TWW visiting family. Elizabeth, the dog and I are staying at my family's beach cottage in CT. It's good to be in a relaxing environment like this, and take my mind off the wait as much as possible. The first half of the wait is exciting and full of optimism. The second week is always the hardest. I am starting to get depressed because it's 9dpo and I still don't feel any different than my last insemination attempts. But at least we're away, and I'm not at work. There is lots of good food, and time to relax by the fire with a book. It's still too cold here for the beaches to be full so the dog can run and chase seagulls to her heart's content. It's a bit disappointing that we had to keep the vacation low-key this year, but the IUI nonsense has eaten up all our travel funds.

In other news, my co-worker Colleen- (the one who suspected that her 17 year old daughter was pregnant, but the daughter denied it or avoided the topic) became a grandmother last week. So now the daughter is finally admitting that she was pregnant. I guess it's hard to deny when your water breaks. She's keeping the baby, and Colleen may quit her job to help take care of it. It's hard to not be jealous of someone who gets a baby without trying, even though I know this girl didn't want to be a teenage mother.

The mother of all IUI dates

2009-05-10T17:13:00.003-04:00

I just had my first IUI with the new doctor today. On Mother's Day. I'm trying very hard not to read too much into that one, but finding it nearly impossible. On one hand, it would be crazy and wonderful to know that we had conceived on Mother's Day. On the other hand, if this cycle fails I'll feel like my luck is cursed. One year ago, I naively assumed that I'd be celebrating Mother's Day as a hugely pregnant woman this year. It's a mindfuck, no mater what. But if I remove all of the crazy Mother's Day related emotions, it's been a pretty good day.

My new doctor at the little clinic is without a doubt the most wonderful doctor I've ever used. The clinic isn't normally open on Sunday, but he and a nurse opened the place just to do my IUI. He also let me look at the sperm under the microscope, which is the first time I've been allowed to do that. It was cool to see so many swimmers wriggling like crazy on the slide. The nurse kept a supportive, reassuring hand on my knee throughout the procedure. She also gave Elizabeth a genuine excited smile as the doctor was doing the IUI, which made Elizabeth happy since it made her feel as though her role in this was being acknowledged. All in all, it felt great to be in a warm, supportive environment- so unlike the big fancy fertility clinic we had been using.

After the IUI, we got Sri Lankan food for lunch. And we're going to meet up with some friends and do Vietnamese food for dinner. Yay for relaxing and not worrying about cooking or cleaning the kitchen!

The stray cat that hangs out on our fire escape just had kittens. She brought the kittens up to the fire escape for the first time yesterday and they're adorable. I am enjoying their cuteness without being jealous of the stray cat's ability to reliably pop out a new litter each spring. I'll save being jealous of homeless animals for my REALLY crazy days.

Let's hope I can maintain this positive attitude through 2ww #8.